That I’m right.
That I’m a fraud. That the stories that I wrote ages ago, that people have liked the most, were my only peak. That I’ve deluded myself into thinking that I’m ‘better’ than I was. That I can’t make any original ideas. That I have nothing to contribute.
Out of most of the threads on this site, this is one of the ones that has haunted me.
I admit, it’s been on my mind a fair bit, finding me in those moments we all find ourselves pausing to reflect on our craft and such.
My answer above wasn’t fully what I fear, but I couldn’t quite place it until one day in the shower when I was pondering it and finally came to a realization.
I don’t know how many of you have read Rikoshi’s journal about why he stopped writing.
It’s here if you are curious: http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/6047865/
In it contains what fully worries me as a writer. That despite the need to write that drives me, that if I stopped writing, I would suddenly find my life a lot easier, better, etc. That even though I am driven to write, I shouldn’t be writing. (does that make sense?) I worry that one day I will have the same realization that Riki did. With all the struggles I have had recently, that was a real worry of mine until I realized why I was struggling on the stories I was.
I hope that make sense.
Pardon if I had a reading comprehension fail, but, isn’t the moral of Rikoshi’s journal specifically that he ended up writing again anyways?
It seems to me one of the defining traits of the writer is how we keep wanting to. Maybe not succeeding at it, but even when I was in grad school and burdened down to a story every 18 months, I still was unhappy that I wasn’t writing.
Maybe someday I’ll have told all my stories and I can stop writing and not be restless, but if I quit now I’d just experience frustration every day at not getting ideas out on paper.
Nope, you read that right. The moral is that he ended up writing again. ;D
(which I am very happy to hear)
My fear is what if you didn’t?
Then probably you (or I, or anyone else) would discover some other creative outlet that would fill the needs that writing fills now. I don’t think you can just turn off seeing the world in a way that makes you want to respond to it. I think it might just take different forms, and the transition would be hard.
I haven’t had the chance to read the journal, but I think I caught what you’re throwing. What if you come to the realization that this entire time you’ve been walking down the wrong path. That in the pursuit of finding fulfillment and happiness through the written word, you realize that all you’ll ever find is pain. Then all these years would have been a wasted pile of the sado-masochism we all have come to love to hate. While you might or might not eventually find a different creative outlet, there’s no getting those years back, and you’re back at square one, blank slate, struggling to find another outlet, with no guarantee you ever will.
Am I close?
Yep, you are close.
It’s more painful because I gave up my visual art for writing as I couldn’t work the two together. (and I went to post secondary for visual art)
A weird worry has been gnawing at my ankle recently.
I have been getting a lot of praise and attention for the stories I have put the least amount of effort into (even stories that were scribbles or practice), and get very little of either on stories I put the most amount of work into. I’m worried someone is going to point out those little effort pieces and call me a hack who doesn’t put any real effort into my work at all.
Hm. I can’t speak for you, but I know one of my most popular stories is a fluffy, generic plotless porn story. The fact that it’s more popular than the stories I churn my guts out making has always irked me. I always just remember that Herman Melville’s Moby Dick was considered bad at the time. It was so dry and artsy compared to his lurid cannibal islands with their gorgeous South Pacific maidens that he had also been writing about. I can’t say when it’ll happen, but stories that you love and put your heart into do tend to win out in the end.
I’ve had that happen, more so I have had some of those stories published and part of me wonders why.
That said, recently I have come to the realization that I can’t judge my own works all that well. Those that I tend to be unhappy with, others tend to love. shrug
The joys of being an artist.
I am not reading this thread because the last thing I need to do is add more self-doubt and worries to my list XP
Oy, there are some solutions to those trepidations in here too!
I suppose what frightens me the most is that I haven’t learned. That I’ve gone through class after writing class, having lessons and rules and outlines drilled into my head without ever really learning them. That when I sit down to write my next piece, and the next, and the next, that they’ll all be fraught with the same errors that the one before had. I’m worried that I’ll show a professional a piece and they’ll point out something that I should have known, should have caught, yet was too blinded by my own proximity to see it. By extension, I’m also worried that I won’t be able to fix these errors. That my attempts would only lead me back to where it was, or worse.
Quite poetically, my biggest worry isn’t a very common one. My biggest worry it seems is being unable to tell stories for a myriad of reasons, none of which are grossly specific. I write to write; the money part of writing only comes into play because in order for me to write I need money. I have no qualms with silence like many others before me but I understand the sentiment nor do I, like so many before me, worry about failure. If variety is the spice of life then failure is the meat and potatoes, or at least, that’s how I see it. I will admit that these tendencies are shaped by over-exposure to these worries then anything else. I also would like to point out that I’m not latching onto anyone specifically but rather sharing my views on some standout opinions while I was lurking so forgive me if I seem like I’m pointing out others “worries”.
After the first few minutes of posting a work or a video I often wonder about the reception of a work, however that slowly disappears. I’m pretty much an OCD editor. I won’t post something until it’s perfect. I never do the whole, “I just wrote this today” or “This is a new poem I wrote today.” If I post something, it’s probably taken me a few months to structure it out and make it right.
Aside from that, I don’t really have a lot of worry. I’m not concerned with pirating, and honestly if people asked me I probably would toss them a PDF file or something for free or work out something on a physical copy. I’ve given away copies of my books at readings and such as well (the dude I published with hates me for it, but I purchased the books from him so there’s no complaints). I enjoy sharing and that’s about it.
I used to be afraid of people saying they hated a work in my early years. You almost always have to combat with the question, “and?” I post for people to enjoy but if someone hates it, that’s pretty much between them and the poem. Unless there’s something critical in the comment that I can learn from and help my writing grow, I’ve pretty much stopped reading the negatives.
I think the only fear I have now is my OCD editing. Asking constantly if I’ve posted the right version, is there anything off? Does it look right? etc. Aside from that, I take anything that helps.
That I won’t one day be able to make enough money to feed and house my family.
That’s really it. I sell stories right now that take me days and days to write for, as Spider Robinson called it, “Cheese Pizza Money”. Occasionally I make a sale where I can say “Oh, hey, that’s half of my groceries, neat!”.
I want to be making sales, or at least income, that I can point to and say “Someone working minimum wage might grudgingly call this a paycheque.” That’d be nice.
Then somewhere after that, I’d like to say that a story sale paid a month’s salary. That’d be AWFULLY nice.
I know it won’t happen in furry genre writing, not without some pleasant miracles. But I’m working towards it. Web Serial writing is the place I’m really looking towards right now. The current top gun there is Wildbow, previously having written “Worm” and now working on “Pact”, and it looks like his income is 2-3k a month between Patreon and donators.
I want to do those numbers, and then I want to do better.
Guess we’ll see what I can make happen.
That I will bore (or offend) people to tears, but they won’t say anything because they don’t want to hurt my feelings and just avoid me instead.
This is the thread that originally got my attention on this site.
It’s pretty rough, but I have to say “All of the above”, myself.
Glad I’m not the only one.
~Fox
I totally feel you there. My work of late has become more adventurous, and I’m afraid that the people who are trying to encourage me maybe aren’t being brutally honest enough about work that really needs some cleaning up.
I had those suspicions at least partly confirmed by my draft of “The Linen Butterfly” where I went waaaay out on a limb and made a mess of it, but a lot of friends who had read the book saw nothing wrong with it.
When i was new at this, my biggest fear was being unclear. that the words I wrote did not match what was in my head, and people would misunderstand me.
I’ve closed the gap between what I see in my mind and the words I choose to represent it over the years, and a new fear has taken its place: being ignored. That even my best work isn’t enough to get noticed.