YA story

[Gnarl]

After comments on the Tuesday chat, i have decided to try and write a Young Adult story of adventure and first love. Unfortunately i have never done this before so it will be interesting…
Here is what i have come up with so far, do think it will work?

Story – YA – first love – adventure – furry…

Johathan was 14, but tomorrow was his 15th birthday. He was perhaps the smallest one in his grade and constantly being teased about his size. He was also the smartest student in his entire school.
It bothered him that most of the girls would not even give him a second thought. He walked past a small group of females who seemed to gossiping. He smiled at them.
“Good Morning!” His voice was soft but he always tried to be up beat.
“EEEUUWW! It’s the runt!” They all turned away from him and walked away Their tails showing their distain for the runt.
“Well, that went pretty much as expected!” He commented to himself as his tail started to drag the ground again. As he walked up the steps of the school his attention was drawn to a poster that had been placed on the glass of the large front door. It was a colorful poster with large lettering.
Seeking the best and the brightest, we are looking for volunteers who would be willing to challenge the travels and live the adventure of a lifetime. If you have what it takes then be in the gym at 2:00 o’clock on Friday!
He had seen something like this before but could not recall what it was. The rest of the week was pretty much what he knew it would be. The larger males made fun of him, the females all shunned him and the teachers all praised him. On Thursday afternoon he had the strangest feeling he was being watched.
After his last class he started to walk down the stairs as he had always done but for some reason he stopped and turned around just in time to catch a glimpse of someone watching him. His curiosity got the best of him and walked back up the stairs and turned the corner. He almost stepped face first into the chest of a tall beautiful female. She seemed to blush and did not know what to say.
“Uh, Johnathan, can I ask… would you… I mean…” She took a deep breath.
“Would you help me with this homework?” She held out her notebook.
Johnathan was so stunned that you could have knocked him over with a feather.
Marry Kay Blackring was the largest and most beautiful girl in the school. She was popular and built and a bit of a ditz! She was also the star athlete of almost every team they had.
“Uh, sure! But aren’t you afraid of being seen with me? I mean I am the runt.”
“Oh no! I am not. I want to graduate and get into high school with everyone else but if I don’t pass this class…” She almost started to cry. His mouth fell open and his eyes got wide. The note book she was holding was English literature. It was his favorite subject.

[Huskyteer]

I like the setup - I really want to know what the poster is all about.

He was perhaps the smallest one in his grade and constantly being teased about his size. He was also the smartest student in his entire school.

I’d like to see this in action, rather than getting told it. Perhaps he makes his way to his locker, constantly jostled and barged by taller students. I wanted to know what species he was, too!

Johnathan was so stunned that you could have knocked him over with a feather.

That’s a bit of a cliché. Try to think of a better metaphor, maybe one more relevant to furry characters?

Marry Kay Blackring was the largest and most beautiful girl in the school. She was popular and built and a bit of a ditz! She was also the star athlete of almost every team they had.

Are these the words Johnathan would use? Get inside his head and describe her from his point of view.

[Shirou14]

Clearly this story was a stream of consciousness thing. I’d suggest giving it at least a basic editing pass and re-posting it. As it stands it’s not terribly interesting.

[Bellworth]

Hiya! I like this opening, but if I were you I’d perhaps give it a bit more punch? Help me imagine Jonathan a bit more clearly from the outset. Other than that, I might cut out the bit about bullying in the first sentence. It’s presented so clearly that he’s bullied later in the passage, that I think I’d prefer to be shown it by that later interaction rather than told in the first bit.

I’ll also parrot Husky’s advice and say avoid any cliche metaphors. You have such a rich well of new possibilities for metaphor and simile when using furry worlds, expound and let your imagination run wild!

In anycase, the subject of being bullied is a good one for YA literature, and with a bit of work you could do something quite nice by putting it through an anthropomorphic lense.