Furry Writers' Guild Forum

Words and de Blurbs.

Critique
#1

In preparation for publishing my second novel, Marking Territory on July 26 (Woot!) I’m giving everything a spit shine in preparation. First up are the first book’s blurb. The old one works but I want to punch it up a bit. What do you guys think?

Would you choose the life Pet or Predator?

Thomas just wants a simple, stable existence, but saddled with unemployment, an absentee girlfriend, and the impending unpaid rent, change is hurtling down on him whether he likes it or not. Following the sudden murder of his strange elderly neighbor, Thomas awakens on wrong side of the Veil transformed into a mountain lion and thrust into a dangerous world of magic.

Now to escape enslavement as a familiar to a human wizard, Thomas must team up with a disgraced Inquisitor and a pyromaniac squirrel to dodge the fate pushed upon him by haughty mages, manipulative union leaders, and violent werewolves. Does Thomas have the will to seize his own destiny through wit and claw to become the first Freelance Familiar?

Off Leash is the first book in Daniel Potter’s Freelance Familiars series, a humorous adventure story beset by immoral mages and fast talking animals. If you enjoyed the Dresden Files and want an overtone of Discworld, you’ll love this rollicking urban fantasy adventure.

Dig in your claws, brace for impact and buy this story right now!

#2

I think the opening line could be just ‘Pet or Predator?’.

'Thomas just wants a simple, stable existence, but saddled with unemployment, an absentee girlfriend, and the impending unpaid rent, change is hurtling down on him whether he likes it or not. ’ - is this needed? From what I’ve read, turning into a mountain lion kinda negates all his other problems.

‘Now to escape enslavement as a familiar to a human wizard,’ - ‘to dodge the fate pushed upon him by haughty mages, manipulative union leaders, and violent werewolves.’ - using both these in one line feels like overkill.

‘Does Thomas have the will to seize his own destiny through wit and claw to become the first Freelance Familiar?’ - I don’t like the repetition of ‘to’; maybe ‘and become the first Freelance Familiar’?

#3

Thanks for the feedback!

#4

I’d break the first narrative sentence up-- it’s very long. I also like that you open with a question, something I try to do myself. I think of it as a mini-narrative hook.

As a general rule i try to keep my blurbs shorter than this one, but I’m very aware that others disagree with me.

#5

Maybe he should ask himself " Should I be a predator and control my life of be a pet and let other chose it for me?"

What he was before been a mountain lion could and where he’s from would help. I mean if talking animals and wizards are normal to him or not?

he want a normal life, but his life his out of control, his girl friend away, due rent, and no job.

its seem a good story, you should post a full chapter of that story.