Hello; Here is the first half of my book ‘The black Box’ and the second part is also there on FA on my page.
I am so a Luddite; I hope this works. I can NOT even get my characters page and my preface and the two halves of my story together. Need a nerd. LOL Computers do not make things easier when you cannot use them. sigh
I can be reached at tygrahof@gmail.com if anyone cares to read this. Thank you in advance for even looking. Tyg
“You have endured much, my lady,” came the soft yet growly voice. “It is time for you to come home.”
I might’ve used this for my opening line; it’s very strong. And then done a bit of scene-setting after instead of before.
Here’s something I noticed over and over. It’s a repeated issue.
Adventures and lovers past filled her eyes with the tears of emotion as the joy of them caressed her mind.
This isn’t really correct, formal usage of the language. In fact, it’s so informal that it won’t pass even in fiction, and that’s saying something. Try, “One after another, a long life’s worth of lovers and adventures danced through her mind, the remembered joys laughingly caressing her as they passed.”
Do you see the difference in terms of understandability? The cure really is to read more, so you sort of absorb through your skin how the words fit together more smoothly.
Here’s a little writer’s trick that may help you along, as well…
You wrote…
As he spoke, he withdrew a small black box about four inches square and held it out in front of him in an open paw. The claws of his paw curled in but did not touch the box. She felt no compulsion to scream and a sense of understanding seemed to wash over her as she eyed the box. It somehow captured her interest as the runes etched into the box were unfamiliar to her.
Most writers accept that as a general rule repeating a word more than once (except for stuff like “and” and “the” which serve to tie all the rest together) is a Bad Idea. The reason for this is that it cause the writer a) to fail to generate more interesting, evocative language and b) causes repetitive sentence structure. The result is sentence after sentence with the same “beat” in the musical sense, which eventually turns into a sort of monotonous trip-hammer in the Gentle Reader’s mind. See how what I’ve written what below is different in both regards. I’ve also tried to cut s few unnecessary words, also commonly accepted by authors as being a Generally Good Idea.
As he spoke, he withdrew a small black container about four inches square and held it out in an open paw. His claws curled, but didn’t obstruct the dark, seemingly bottomless opening. She felt no compulsion to scream; indeed, a warm sense of understanding flowed through her as she eyed the device. It was clearly magical, though the runes adorning the exterior were unfamiliar to her.
Again, the is worded in very “odd” English. I’m not entirely sure what it even means.
“You were meant to understand this world, as like the many others you’ve lived through. Remember well, my lady, because those memories are our future. Your world needs you now and it is time to return,” came his voice, haunting yet still soothing.
If I understand the meaning correctly, let me offer a rephrasing suggestion.
“You’ve journeyed through many worlds, Madam, and this is but the latest.” He smiled, his semi-mystical appearance well-matching the mysterious yet somehow truth-empowered words. “Remember this life well, my lady, for your memories are essential to our future. But your true world needs you now, and so it’s time to return.”
Normally I only read and critique the first chapter of a work, both due to lack of time and because that’s usually enough to pick up the sort of thing I’m going to point out in the rest anyway. So that’s what I’ve done here. I’d suggest that you go back through and ruthlessly root out all repeated words-- entire phrases are even worse!-- and see if the result pleases you. Generally, for most authors it does! Then I’d go back and really look hard at what you’re saying and the way you’re using words to express your ideas-- perhaps you need to be more specific here and there, or say things more exactly?
At any rate I enjoyed the first chapter and hope you benefit from my comments.
Something I noticed immediately as I glanced through the opening passages: Adverbs. So many adverbs. Far, far, far too many adverbs.
I’d strongly recommend the Hemingway App, http://www.hemingwayapp.com/beta/index.html. Here’s the stats your story ran through so far:
Readability: Grade 7. (The score runs from 1-20, 10 is the average american reader’s limit. 7 is an excellent score to have.)
548 of 3522 sentences are hard to read. (Yellow. This is a good ratio! One in seven.)
699 of 3522 sentences are very hard to read. (Red. This is not so good. You’d ideally want to see this around in the middle 300’s. I’d recommend reviewing any sentence highlighted red and see if you can’t simplify them without breaking the flow.)
110 phrases have simpler alternatives. (Purple. This isn’t such a big deal, but it’s always a good idea to go simple.)
503 adverbs. Aim for 9 or fewer. (Adverbs are the pernicious cancer of lazy writing. Clean as many out of your writing as you can afford to.)
357 uses of passive voice. Aim for 705 or fewer. (Well done! You could no doubt go lower than this, from a glance I’d estimate you could reduce your passive voice instances to as low as 120 without breaking much of a sweat.)
Thank you; As I said to Rabbit, I didn’t expect anything except referrals to somewhere else. Just how did you get this summary of the book? Is there a program that you ran it through? Would LOVE to see it and get it if it is a program; then hire a computer guy to run it for me. lol
Well, as I said above, I fed your story into the Hemingway App. 
You can too!