Furry Writers' Guild Forum

Werewolf story needs a look over *updated*

Hello I just really need someone to read over this and give their thoughts on it. Now this story is not completed yet, this is actually part 2 of a series I’m doing, there might be some misspells and grammar mistakes

Characters

Werehog: is male werewolf

Kelp: Human furry

Me and Kelp stood still in our spots, shocked at what we saw. An anthropomorphic dragon, it’s like every furry dream to see a real dragon, let alone, get attack by one, I was either the luckiest fur in the world or the most about to be dead one.

The dragon was muscle built; he was twice my size; his scales were red and blue; his soul less eyes were bloody red; mighty dragon wings was folded on his back; a lively reptile tail come from the tail bone.
The dragon had opened his mouth and shot a huge fire-ball at us. I broke from my daze, I swooped Kelp into my arms and jumped on to a high up fire escape.

I sat her in it “Stay here!” I commanded her and I jumped back down to the ground locking my eyes on the dragon.

Him and me had our eyes locked on each other. The dragon looked at me with a devilish grinned, he probably was imagining how gruesome he will murder me. I looked at him well…as a dragon, as a mighty fire-breathing beast that look at anything smaller and weaker as a tiny play thing or meal.
He got on all fours, and then he jumped at me. I froze up, all his weight had fallen on to me like large rocks and I fell to the ground with him on top of me penning me down. He bites for my neck but I grabbed his snout and lower jaw and I tried to push it back. Next thing I knew, I seen a light glow growing brighter in the back of his mouth, I realized what was coming so I shut his mouth and kicked the very heavy reptile off of me.
I hop back up from the ground and I charged at him on all fours while he was trying to pick himself. I then jumped up in the air and I headbutted him . Oh my the pain I felt, I regretted doing that because even though my attack was successful I caused more pain to myself than I did to him.
I rubbed the top of my head and I stumbled back a little with my eyes closed, that was a mistake. The dragon had recovered from my blow and he had a perfect opening to attack.

I growled “That hurt!!!” I opened an eye seeing the his claw coming at my face. “OH GOD!” I rolled back, barely missing me. As soon as I got back on my paws, my paws was swiped from under me but his tail and I was back on the ground. His paw came down on me but I feeling the powerful vibration of his paw hitting the ground, I imagined what could have happened if I was under there. I tried a sweep kick but it came to a dead stop once it made contacted to dragon’s hind legs, oh the pain I felt, it was felt like I kick an iron pole feel all my might.

I soon I felt the leathery hand of the dragon lifting me up my ankle. He looks down at me and smile, the next thing I know he started slamming me on to the ground repeatedly. Each he slammed me on to the ground then pain grew worse and worse. I tried to do something but there’s was nothing I could really do but let him finish slamming me. After about 2 minutes I loss feeling in most of my body. Soon after he through me at the fire escape next to Kelp.

I layed next to her in so much hellish pain. “We might need to run…”
“Run?! How are we even suppose to get down without him catching us?!” Kelp asked. I groaned “I don’t know… Just give me a few minutes to rest.”
“What?! We don’t have a few, that dragon will be up here to fry our asses if we don’t move soon!”

She was right, I could hear him flapping his wing as we talked.

I was tried, every inch of my body hurts , I didn’t want to get up but I couldn’t just layed here , I didn’t want die on my very first night of being a werewolf and I couldn’t let her died too.

“Get up!!! His almost up here!!!”

I didn’t respond. I could hear the dragon getting closer.

“Please get up!!! I don’t want to die!!!”

I still didn’t respond. I could hear his wings flapped louder and louder untill I could see his right in front of me. I mustered up the energy, I got on my paws and I jumped at him.
He was shocked so he didn’t have much time to reacted. I placed my right paw on top of his head, soon after he started shaking his head. I lost my balance and I fell forward; My heart did a backflip, I knew if I would had fallen from this height it would be the end for me. I quickly grabbed his wings pulling him down with me, I had him were I was on top of me holding his wings closed so he was unable to fly. Before we had hit the ground I jumped off having a safe landing but for him, he landed head first hitting the hard ground so hard that he was knocked out.

Soon after I won the fight, I collapsed on to the ground.

“Werehog!!!” Kelp shouted and ran down the fire escape to me.
“Are you alright?” She placed her hand on my back.
“STOP TOUCHING ME!” I commanded.

She quickly pulled her hand back.

“I’m sorry for yelling but you touching doesn’t feel to nice on.”
"Sorry… "
“Also to answer your question: No, im not alright. My whole body hurts like hell.”
“Well is there any way I can help you feel better?”
“Unless you can cast a healing spell on me or stop the pain with your little spell book there, other whys no. I’ll just lay here and let my body deals with it self.”
“But what about the dragon? He can come to at anytime.”
“He’s drunk and he had hit the ground pretty hard head first, im pretty sure he won’t be waking up for a while.”

“But still we shouldn’t just sit here for a long time, he could still wake up at anytime. You never know.”
“Well go then, I’m not stopping ya.”
“Not if you’re not coming with me.”
“Why?”
“Well after tonight’s events, I’m kinda scared to walk home alone tonight so I was hoping that you would tag along with me.”
“And what makes you think im gonna do that?”
“Well… I thought since we’re friends, you wouldn’t mind helping me out I guess.”
“Don’t you think I’d helped you enough for one night? Don’t you think I’m tired and exhausted?”
“No, I thought werewolves were unstoppable killing machines?”
“What are you getting at?”
“You’re a werewolf.”
“What that’s crazy.” I said in a sarcastic tone. “What makes you think that?”
“Your body is covered in fur, you have a wolf shape, you have hind legs, you way bigger than any human that I have ever seen, and you have a tail.”
“I could be wearing a really good fursuit.”
“Yeah sure, me and the rest of the world will only believe that for so long.”
“Well I could have multiple birth defects.”
“Well, I guess that’s possible, but me and you both know that you’re a werewolf, but to get back to the point please walk me home?”
“I… think about it but for now I’m not moving until my body mends itself.”
“How long will that take?”
"As long as It take for a werewolf to mend itself. "

She sat next to me, facing in the direction where the dragon lay “Well alright that’s just fine”

Me and Kelp sat in silence, pondering on our own thoughts.

“Today has just been unreal Where did that dragon come from? I remembered that I attacked that human guy and when I turned my back the dragon appeared. In fact, what happened to that guy? I know that this ally is one way only so the guy couldn’t have gotten out through the entrance without me noticing. The dragon couldn’t have just sponded here by random and he couldn’t have just flown in without me or Kelp noticing…” I sighed “… Maybe I shouldn’t worry, I mean everything is kinda done and over with so I shouldn’t worry much. I need to be thinking about my new life-”
“Thanks.” Kelp said breaking my train of thought"
“What?”
“Thanks for saving me. I never said thank you. If you hadn’t earlier intervened I probably wouldn’t be here now so thank you very very much.”
“Oh well it was nothing really, I’m just glad you’re safe and sound… umm by the way you seem like you’re taking the mythological creatures are real thing well.”
“I’m handling it in my own way. I use to think that having creatures like you in real life would be a dream come true for me but after what happened it’s now a nightmare for me, I guess that whole experience was a reality check for me.”
“I kinda know how you feel but a part of me always knew that having creatures like me and the dragon would cause big problems between the spices, I guess I just choose to believe that everything can get work out. Surely a small part of you thought the same?”
"No I never thought about it like that. I believed that humans and after species can live alone side each other in harmony

It looks like you have a solid story that most furs could have fun reading.

The first thing I can recommend is checking grammar and sentence structure. One good way is the line of School House Rock videos all about grammar- there are times I refer to them to this day for things like conjuntions and the likes. “Me and Kelp” was what first caught my attention. It should be “Kelp and I” in the way you’re using it in the sentence.

I promise you that going back and fixing all the little things like that will make beta readers far more willing to go through and look for the less obvious things. It feels like it would be better for folks to focus more on the plot and what you’re doing with it, but you’d be surprised how much some cleaning up can do to attract more beta readers.

You’re right and i shall fix that come back later to update this . Thank you for the help I truly appreciate it :slight_smile:

Wonderful! I’ll be looking forward to the update :3

Alright most of the problems are fix (as far I can see) :slight_smile:

When you have a buncha dialogue all jammed close together like what’s there towards the middle-end of this piece, it’s easy for the reader to lose track of who is saying what. I’d suggest that every line or so you add a hint, like

“(dialogue here),” she said, looking me in the eyes.

You don’t ever want your Gentle Reader to have to stop and think about anything, especially not something as easy to fix as who said what. It breaks the magic. This may not be Rule One of writing, but it’s right up there. He or she should be eased into the flow of your fiction and then swept away with it so that hours pass before they look up, blink, and wonder where all the time went. As an author your job is to help your Gentle Reader remain effortlessly on the rails. This sometimes requires dropping hints about what you may think is obvious.

Another good cure for such concentrated dialogue is to add a few actions to break up the conversation.

Very well said :3