Very graphic discussion

[gre7g]

*** WARNING: VIOLENCE AND GORE. PLEASE CLICK BACK IF YOU’RE SENSITIVE. ***

I’m working on a furry murder thriller. Before the book opens, a young male geroo (an alien that looks a bit like a anthro- tree kangaroo) has been murdered in a most gruesome way. During the murder trial, the prosecutor describes the murder.

My editor is having a hard time visualizing what I’m describing but I’m really hesitant to add any more description than I already have. I don’t want the reader to feel like I am celebrating this horror. I don’t know if there’s a fetish for this sort of thing, but considering human sexuality, there probably is.

If a few readers can’t visualize it, then I can live with that. But if very few people can visualize it, I’ve clearly gone too far.

Could you please read the following and tell me if you can visualize what he’s describing? I’d like to get a ratio of who can and who can’t. Can you make any suggestions of how this could be made more clear without adding a lot of bulk?

[size=10pt]The judge turned back to the broad-shouldered male. “Can you walk us through your analysis of the first crime, Ciro?”

The dark-brown male nodded and stood. He picked the largest item off the table. Although difficult for Tori make it out clearly, the item appeared to be composed of a large metal bar, a chain, and an industrial hook. “We believe that Ascada was assaulted when he first opened the door to his apartment. He took a single blow to the head, rendering him unconscious.”

The judge stared at the evidence bag. “What is that?”

“The geroo in manufacturing call it a jack-pike. They use them to adjust the position of heavy objects.” Ciro explained. “You hook onto the object, wedge one end of the bar under your boot or something solid, and leverage the other end with your paws.”

“So we should be looking for a suspect in manufacturing,” Tori interjected.

Ciro shook his head. “Many jack-pikes are left unsecured around the manufacturing deck. The accused could have easily picked one up without being questioned.”

Tori crossed her arms. “Would Kaz even be strong enough to swing one of those things? Could she have knocked Ascada out with it?”

The judge took the jack-pike bag from the broad-shouldered male and hefted it a few times in her paws. She seemed satisfied that it would be possible. “Continue.”

“While he was unconscious, Ascada’s paws were bound to a pipe that ran down the wall of his apartment. He was gagged, and the assailant made shallow incisions around the victim’s head, shoulders, and down the center of his chest.” Ciro sorted through additional evidence bags containing pieces of rope and a knife.

Tori felt nauseous, and her empty stomach convulsed, but the judge looked indifferent. “Did you trace the origin of the weapon?” she asked.

“It appears to have come from the victim’s kitchen, Your Honor. The assailant then set the hook between Ascada’s shoulder blades, and worked the jack-pike across the apartment’s deck until she had peeled the victim’s pelt off down below his hips.”

Tori tried to object to the prosecutor referring to the assailant as a “she,” but only managed a strangled cry.

“I didn’t! I would never have hurt him!” Kaz sobbed.

After a short pause, the prosecutor concluded, “Ascada was found after a welfare check when he didn’t show up for work the next day. He died in the doctor’s care and was recycled after his autopsy. The report is in the file.”[/size]

[Huskyteer]

I found it tricky to grasp; I think describing the shape of the jack-pike more (how do all the objects fit together? How does the levering work? Could Ciro actually demonstrate its use?) would make it easier without adding to the detail of the actual deed.

[Ocean]

It may be just because it’s an excerpt but “broad-shouldered male” and “dark-brown male” is both vague, confusing and over used. (also I’m not sure which character is which but again, probably because it’s an excerpt)

"the item appeared to be composed of a large metal bar, a chain, and an industrial hook"

-- What's the middle of the device? Is it Bar + chain + hook? Perhaps say how it's assembled together.

They use them to adjust the position of heavy objects.” Ciro explained.

-- First, you need a comma at the end of "objects", not a period. Second, this is a very vague description. What do you mean by adjust the position? Why is the tool needed to do these adjustments? Are they moving large boxes? Or making very precise adjustments? What are the objects it is positioning? Again, why is this tool so specialized for this task?

"wedge one end of the bar under your boot or something solid, and leverage the other end with your paws"

-- So you stand on one end and then "leverage" the other end with your hands? This sounds very weird and not bound by physics. Perhaps don't wedge it under your boot. Where's the hook going on the object (again what kind of objects)?

Ascada’s paws were bound to a pipe that ran down the wall of his apartment.

-- You may want to state if his paws (assuming hands here) were tied in front or behind him. Most of the time people are tied behind their back to make it harder to escape, but in your scenario following it sounds like it would be reverse, else they wouldn't be able to hook into their back.

The assailant then set the hook between Ascada’s shoulder blades, and worked the jack-pike across the apartment’s deck until she had peeled the victim’s pelt off down below his hips.”

-- "Worked the jack-pike across the apartment's deck" confuses me. I don't understand it at all. This is possibly because above I'm still confused about the tools mechanism. If they're just peeling off their pelt, why is this tool needed? Why can't they just use the knife they used to make the incisions? Seems much easier and less time consuming as well it doesn't require a clunky specific tool that can be traced back to a workplace.

[gre7g]

Many thanks for the replies! I’m definitely going to work on this scene and try to make it more clear.

[Greyflank]

I write dark things and the dark gets darker, I lean on poetic and brutal turns of phrase.

I recommend splitting the descriptions between the lawyer and a projection.

Show the mundane uses on the screen, possibly from a user’s manual or training video. The manufacturer’s probably explained the versatility of the tool and how even a small crewmember can use the device. Later in the story, throw up autopsy pictures there…

All the while, the lawyer paints the pictures he needs the jury to see… assuming this court is an American-like court and there’s a jury… and once the autopsy pictures are up on the wall, the lawyer will begin the speaking glowing terms about the victim… associating it with the rabbit corpse on the wall behind him. Not that the victim was a piece of meat to be yada, yada, yada, but that is exactly what the accused did… she didn’t stop at maiming the man, she didn;t stop at unmanning him, she ripped his very identity as a sentient being from him inch by brutal inch with the crudest weapon that she could find…

Imagine what that was like, the lawyer would invite the jury. Then he would tell them what to think in common everything language.

If you do it right, not a single sentence will be horrible. Blunt perhaps. With any luck, it will build into something terrific… in the original sense of the word.

Using a lawyer in this scene is great because they are all perfectly justified into asking the jury (and the reader) to imagine something terrible… because it’s there duty. It is the jury duty to think about all this.

Above all else, the jury has to be a character in most every decent crime room scene. Don’t forget them.

[Rechan]

That is incredibly tame. I was expecting something pretty, well, awful. Describing it in such a sanitized way makes it not-graphic.

I agree with the points of the people above, in terms of what was confusing. “Worked the jack-pike across the apartment” is confusing. Although I was imagining the jack-pike as a bar and a hook connected by a chain, and the chain is connected to the center of the bar, so you can step on the bark, hold the chain, and yank on it. Which I have no idea what you would actually USE such a tool to do. What is it they need to actually hook and drag?

The lawyer is going to be a lot less technical, medical and analytical. “He hooked the geroo, made some cuts, and peeled his pelt off” is going to be more the style of a lawyer, while a crime tech is going to discuss “lacerations to the dorsal surface of the epidermus with a sharp implement” “You mean this knife?” “Yes, that knife tested positive for the victim’s blood, and its marks line up with the wounds”.

More importantly, is this being introduced to explain it to the judge, or a jury? If a jury, the lawyer is going to be incredibly graphic, he’s going to want to horrify the jury and prejudice them against the defendant. If however this is about educating the judge, the judge might shut down any attempt at making this melodramatic. Whatever the case, Ciro should have his act together. None of this “shuffled through assorted bags” - his props should be ready to go, in order to make the impression quickly and smoothly.

[gallenw]

The only line that jumped out at me during the description of the victim was:

“she had peeled the victim’s pelt off down below his hips” - I think the other descriptions prior felt more like an operation, especially when I read “incision”. Perhaps a stronger word/description could be used? Also, what about using photos as a prop?

“Tori averted her eyes when the photos were distributed - she didn’t want to remember the bloody pile of pelt on floor, Ascada’s coarse yellow fur matted brown among the streamers of fat, gore and blood. His exposed ribs thumped with each beat of his dying heart. But it was the eyes. His eyes were open, staring, quivering. Alive, but already dead upside the brain.”

One other thing I’m curious about, are judges allowed to touch the evidence in this particular world?

Also, this section I’m really not understanding: "The assailant then set the hook between Ascada’s shoulder blades, and worked the jack-pike across the apartment’s deck until she had peeled the victim’s pelt off down below his hips.”

Specifically, working the jack-pike across the apartment’s deck. I’m presuming the hook end was used to tear the pelt off, and the bar was levered across the floor to achieve this?

HTHs!

[FrancesP]

I didn’t have as much difficulty picturing this, but I think you’ve gotten a lot of great suggestions already. One thing about the “jack pike” that may have helped me, is that it seemed to work a lot like something we call a “come-along” which you attach to something and then work back and forth to cinch the strap tighter and tighter along. I was imagining something like that with a hook on one end and a chain instead of a strap,
but they might be words you could use for clarity, “cinch” the chain with each motion of the jack pike, and it’s immediately clear that it gets tighter and tighter. “work” it is a somewhat ambiguous verb. You could even have the lawyer describing it say the thing looked like a horrific metal come-along… anyway, if he compares it to something widely familiar, an image will come faster.

But there is a lot of good ideas floating about above as well, and I didn’t think it was too gory/graphic either and I’m kind of a wuss.

So amp it up maybe? lol go for the gross.

I did feel like the mundane exposition could have been tighter which would have given you more room to play/expound on the description.