The Legendary Hero My first attempt to put anything here Warning Violence

[Gnarl]

I am a bit unsure but here is something i wrote a bit ago and the names have been changed to protect the allegedly innocent.

On the planet Farna it was a time of strife and great oppression. Deep in the hidden valley of Muroff the rebel forces were gathering around a large ring of great stone obelisks. Evening was giving way to the cover of night and the priestess was starting to light the magical torches, in preparation for the ritual.

High above the planet, Gargeroth the leader of the emperor’s army, walked onto the bridge of the ominous ship. He walked over to where the trays of fixings for the emperor’s meals were kept. The large creature took a handful of the raw meat and popped it into his mouth.
“My lord! Our spy reports that the ritual is about to start!” He was preparing for the battle.
“Good. We should let them summon this legendary Hero of theirs, so I can see their faces when I kill him. We will destroy all their hope and end the rebellion in a single strike!” Darnog looked out the large front window of the ship at the planet below and laughed.

The savage warrior named Kayla was now of age. Her powers had made her strong and she was chosen as the priestess for the ritual. The older high priestess was escorted into the ring of stones by the leader of the rebels himself, Steve. He was known to the Barbarians of Farna as the wielder of the Great Hammer of destruction!
Those who bore the mark of the Barbarian royal line sat in front. The mark was easy to pick out, they all had red hair. The magic circle was prepared and the priestess began the dance of summoning around the sacred obelisk, the God Astone. They would need the God’s blessing to call back the legendary hero from the great beyond. The strange blue glow of the magical torches made the scene seem even more mystical. Hovering overhead, unseen the emperor’s spy watched for any sign that the legendary hero might actually come. He was not waiting long as a figure started to form in the magical circle.
The crowd gasped as they saw the figure forming. Spaaniel the largest of Steve’s officers had his hands full to keep the rebels calm. Many had not believed such ancient and archaic things were even real.
The spheres of magic circled her hands until they would jump from her to the figure that was forming.
She danced on and the people noted that the figure was down on one knee and seemed to leaning on something, maybe a sword.

“My lord! He is forming, the magic is working, it is time!” The spy was unaccustomed to such strange events and had spoken louder than he should have. Were it not for their attention being so drawn to the magic circle the rebels would have seen the shuttle setting down on the green near the trees.
The ancient form of the legendary hero slowly stood and threw out his arms to the sides. He gasped in his first breath in a hundred years. He then straightened up and looked at the young barbarian female who was still in the dance of summoning. His head tilted and his tail slowly moved from side to side as he waited for her to stop.
The orbs of magic slowly faded and she fell to knees out of breath. She looked at the warrior she had summoned and gasped. The rebels were stunned. They had expected the legendary warrior to be large and brimming with muscles. They expected him to carry an equally famous sword or weapon of some sort. She had hoped and had visions of this warrior as a young and handsome male.
The Hero stepped up to her with his cane in his hand and looked her in the eyes. He was wearing leather pants, a white shirt with shorter sleeves and on his left wrist was a strange blue-green bracelet of some metal. He had on a leather vest that was tied in the front with a string. He had on soft leather boots that would not make noise, like a thief. But what caused them dismay was that his fur was gray, not from his color but from his age. Mixed with the gray were streaks of silver as if some of his fur was actually made of silver. His muzzle was almost white. He leaned on the cane and spoke softly.
“Why have you summoned me?” He could see that she was young and had judged him by his age alone.
“I …I summoned the Legendary Hero, the Great warrior of old!” She almost started to cry with exhaustion.
He laughed for a minute and then looked at the child.
“I fear you have summoned the Greatly OLD Warrior!” The rebels had been too stunned to react until this comment. The laughter hid the interruption of the evil emperor and his general into the inner ring of the Obelisks. The commotion caused the old one to turn and lean against the cane he held, the cane with the head of a dragon holding a blood red stone in it’s mouth.
Gargeroth threw several of the rebels aside as he strode right up to the old one and reached out to grab him.
The Old one was fast and had grabbed the generals hand but only by two fingers. Gargeroth felt something pierce his hand and then fell to his knees as the effects of the silver on his nervous system caused him to become paralyzed. The sudden shock had almost made the larger beast unconscious. He was unable to do anything as the ancient one let go of his hand and shook a finger at him.
“Now sit quietly young fellow while I find out what this is about, please!”
The old one again turned to the Female and now saw the shocked look on her face.
Steve waved for Spaniel to hold the general down and then waited to see what the warrior and the emperor would do. Darnog drew his energy sabre and growled at the old one.
“I will kill you and end this rebellion, once and for all!” He lunged at the ancient figure but found the figure to no longer be where he had been standing. The old one stood tall and took his cane in his left hand. He turned the head of the dragon and slowly drew from the scabbard that looked like a cane the ancient double edged sabre. The high priestess knew that there had only ever been two of these blades of that strange blue-green metal ever made. It took a masters master armorer an entire life time to make the sword and an arcane wizard to enchant it.
“Fancy weapons are no match for a good blaster!” The emperor drew his side arm and tried to fire it.
A sudden blast of laser like light shot from the center Obelisk and the blaster melted in his hand.
Darnog swung his energy sword at the old one but this time the old one did not move.
When the blade of the energy weapon came in contact with the bracelet on his left wrist the flash of sparks blinded everyone. The emperor hesitated for only a moment, the elderly warrior did not.
Darnog felt the blade pierce his chest pass through his heart and emerge from his back.
“You really think that blade can kill me?” He laughed.
“No! Not the blade, the GEM!” The old one smiled.
Darnog wondered which of his clones would take the throne as he felt himself being drawn in and compressed into the stone.
Aboard the ship in space the clones started to battle one another for the throne.
The smallest of these clones, Darnog 500 hid himself in an equipment locker. When the carnage settled and the noise stopped, he opened the door and looked out. There were bodies everywhere.
He headed for the throne room to see who was now in charge. The bodies of his fellow clones lined the passageways. He entered the throne room and the sight was almost surreal to him.
In front of the throne the last two other clones were on their knees facing one another.
Each had run the other threw with a sword. He was used to this sort of thing as it was not the first time it had happened. He walked over to the table on the side of the room and looked at all the pizza he had never been allowed to enjoy. He picked up a piece and a can of soda. Darnog 500 then walked over to the throne and sat down to eat the pizza. When the Admiral walked in to the throne room he saw the new emperor eating pizza and bowed.
“long live the new emperor!”
“It would seem that my task here is completed. I have done what you summoned me for, now my young priestess, please send me back?” The Old warrior bowed to the savage female.
“Uhm, sure!” She paused and looked suddenly very nervous.
“How?” She bit her lip and her tail curled around her legs. She looked more like a child who had done something wrong. The old Warrior dropped his sword and his mouth fell open.

“So you see children, that was how the rebellion won! Now if you will excuse me I have some trash cans to empty and a floor to mop.” The janitor saw the old teacher returning as he ended his story. 

He rose from the seat and picked up his cane, the one with the head of a dragon holding a stone in it’s mouth, and headed for his service cart.

[Ryffnah]

I like the twists in this story. However, it introduces too many characters too fast without giving the reader enough to hold onto about any of them to keep them straight. Referring to a character by a descriptor like “the great warrior” can make for a nice change of pace from just repeating the character’s name – but only when it’s completely clear who’s being referred to. If there are a bunch of characters, several of whom could possibly be called great warriors, then it’s just confusing. Also, by the end, I still don’t know what kind of characters these are – canine aliens? feline aliens? giraffe aliens? a mix of different types of aliens? A basic species model should be established very quickly – ideally in the first few lines so that readers knows how to picture the characters they’re reading about.

Jumping between settings twice in the first two paragraphs is confusing and unnecessary. I recommend reordering the beginning so that it starts on the emperor’s ship; that way it’s only necessary to jump between settings once at the beginning. Also, I’m not sure how the emperor got down to the planet – if it’s explained, it’s done too briefly.

Overall, I think there’s a lot of potential here, and I hope that you’ll take the time to flesh it out and smooth over the rough edges.

[Gnarl]

Thank you so much, i will do that!

[MontyBlacke]

I enjoyed it! Lots of characters, I got a little overwhelmed, but it was very good! Seems like a great series in the making!

[Shirou14]

The story is interesting and holds some neat ideas. I think it would be best if you went over it again with a fine toothed comb and re-organized some pieces. I encountered two larger problems. The first was formatting; despite the fact that this is a forum and not a publication or even Microsoft word (or your equivalent) you should still take time to format your story correctly. The way you space paragraphs changes at least three times, and sometimes there isn’t a separator between paragraphs at all. As it stands it’s hard to actually read the story regardless of it’s content, if you fix it up a bit more people are likely to take time to read it.

The other issue I found was you don’t spend any time actually explaining or embellishing anything. I have no clue about the characters wants, desires, or personalities. I have no knowledge of the world, what it looks like, what’s going on. I don’t know why there’s a rebellion. This story is really asking to be expanded upon and stretched out a bit.

I think if you fix those things up and take some time to really delve into the world, the story would be all the better for it.

[Gnarl]

The formatting thing is something we had a long conversation on the chatbox about, i have had issues with the computer and it wanting to automatically do things i did not know how to shut off, however i am sure that a lot of that was more my fault. As far as the rest, well your right, it needs work to build the characters and the setting. the more i look at it and hear what has been written here the more i see it as looking like the disorganized ending of a novella. When i wrote it, I did not plan on doing much with it but now maybe it bears a better look.
I thought that i had created a short that had a villain, a hero, conflict and resolution with a couple of twists and a small amount of comedy (Steve…really). Also i have been told many times that i explain way too much, to the point that one person called it vomit.
I should build the world some more, describe the characters and even offer a few hints about their personalities. If it is permitted i should like to make a mass of changes, build it up and then offer it up again. I thank you so much for your time!

[Gnarl]

so please try this version??
At the farthest reach of the Galactic Empire, on the planet Farna, it was a time of strife and great oppression. The emperor’s forces had been unable to squash the rebellion. The Emperor himself had come to destroy them with the most ominous dreadnaught in his fleet. High above the planet, Gargeroth the leader of the emperor’s army, known throughout the Galaxy as a Werewolf, walked onto the bridge of the ominous ship. He walked over to where the trays of fixings for the emperor’s meals were kept. The large creature took a handful of the raw meat and popped it into his mouth.
“My lord! Our spy reports that the ritual is about to start!” He was preparing for the battle.
“Good. We should let them summon this legendary Hero of theirs, so I can see their faces when I kill him. We will destroy all their hope and end the rebellion in a single strike!” Darnog looked out the large front window of the ship at the planet below and laughed.

Deep in the hidden valley of Muroff the rebel forces were gathering around a large ring of great stone obelisks. Evening was giving way to the cover of night and the priestess was starting to light the magical torches, in preparation for the ritual. The rebels were called Barbarians because they did not like nor use the technologies that had allowed the empire to conquer the rest of their world so easily.

The savage warrior named Kayla was now of age. Her powers had made her strong and she was chosen as the priestess for the ritual. She was a hybrid of many of the races of Farna. She had the horns of the Mountain people and the strength and build of the woodland people. She had the long tail of the northern tribe and color of the southern canids. The older high priestess was escorted into the ring of stones by the leader of the rebels himself, Watau. The cunning Fax walked slow along side the aged priestess. He was known to the Barbarians of Farna as the wielder of the Great Hammer of destruction! He had been schooled in all of the technologies of the Empire but once he had found the weakness in it, he returned to his people. The hammer was a form of Codex and cipher with a built in tight beam EMP that could bring down almost any of the Empires great war machines, but it alone was not enough. Those who bore the mark of the Barbarian royal line sat in front. The mark was easy to pick out, they all had red hair. The magic circle was prepared and the priestess began the dance of summoning around the sacred obelisk, the God Astone. The priestess’s knew that Astone was not a god but rather a being from a higher plane who, on occasion, was known to aid them for his own amusement. They would need the God’s blessing to call back the legendary hero from the great beyond. The strange blue glow of the magical torches made the scene seem even more mystical. Hovering overhead, unseen the emperor’s spy watched for any sign that the legendary hero might actually come. He was not waiting long as a figure started to form in the magical circle.

One hundred and fifty years in the past an aging warrior sheathed his legendary blade and sat on his modest bed in his tiny cabin in the woods. He was sad not knowing what would become of the legendary blade after his passing. Deep in thought for a moment, then breaking out laughing at the thought that some fools was carving his story into a bunch of stone on some hillside. Suddenly his cabin began to glow with a strange blue light and heard what he took as the sound of a Goddess calling to him. He rose and bent down on one knee leaning on his blade hidden a scabbard that looked like a cane. 

The crowd gasped as they saw the figure forming. Spaaniel the largest of Watau’s officers, a larger bear from the north, had his hands full to keep the rebels calm. Many had not believed such ancient and archaic things were even real. The spheres of magic circled her hands until they would jump from her to the figure that was forming.
She danced on and the people noted that the figure was down on one knee and seemed to leaning on something, maybe a sword.
“My lord! He is forming, the magic is working, it is time!” The spy was unaccustomed to such strange events and had spoken louder than he should have. The Emperor and his general boarded their shuttle and quickly descended to the planet below. Were it not for their attention being so drawn to the magic circle the rebels would have seen the shuttle setting down on the green near the trees.
The ancient form of the legendary hero slowly stood and threw out his arms to the sides. He gasped in his first breath in a hundred and fifty years. He then straightened up and looked at the young barbarian female who was still in the dance of summoning. His head tilted and his tail slowly moved from side to side as he waited for her to stop.
The orbs of magic slowly faded and she fell to knees out of breath. She looked at the warrior she had summoned and gasped. The rebels were stunned. They had expected the legendary warrior who’s story was carved into the stones around them, to be large and brimming with muscles. They expected him to carry an equally famous sword or weapon of some sort. She had hoped and had visions of this warrior as a young and handsome male. The Hero stepped up to her with his cane in his hand and looked her in the eyes. He was wearing leather pants, a white shirt with shorter sleeves and on his left wrist was a strange blue-green bracelet of some metal. He had on a leather vest that was tied in the front with a string. He had on soft leather boots that would not make noise, like a thief. But what caused them dismay was that his fur was gray, not from his color but from his age. Mixed with the gray were streaks of silver as if some of his fur was actually made of silver. His muzzle was almost white. He leaned on the cane and spoke softly.
“Why have you summoned me?” He could see that she was young and had judged him by his age alone.
“I …I summoned the Legendary Hero, the Great warrior of old!” She almost started to cry with exhaustion.
He laughed for a minute and then looked at the child.
“I fear you have summoned the Greatly OLD Warrior!” The rebels had been too stunned to react until this comment. The laughter hid the interruption of the evil emperor and his general into the inner ring of the Obelisks. The commotion caused the old one to turn and lean against the cane he held, the cane with the head of a dragon holding a blood red stone in it’s mouth.
Gargeroth threw several of the rebels aside as he strode right up to the old one and reached out to grab him.
The Old one was fast and had grabbed the generals hand but only by two fingers. Gargeroth felt something pierce his hand and then fell to his knees as the effects of the silver on his nervous system caused him to become paralyzed. The sudden shock had almost made the larger beast unconscious. He was unable to do anything as the ancient one let go of his hand and shook a finger at him.
“Now sit quietly young fellow while I find out what this is about, please!”
The old one again turned to the Female and now saw the shocked look on her face.
Watau waved for Spaniel to hold the general down and then waited to see what the warrior and the emperor would do. Darnog drew his energy sabre and growled at the old one.
“I will kill you and end this rebellion, once and for all!” He lunged at the ancient figure but found the figure to no longer be where he had been standing. The old one stood tall and took his cane in his left hand. He turned the head of the dragon and slowly drew from the scabbard that looked like a cane the ancient double edged sabre. The high priestess knew that there had only ever been two of these blades of that strange blue-green metal ever made. It took a masters master armorer an entire life time to make the sword and an arcane wizard to enchant it.
“Fancy weapons are no match for a good blaster!” The emperor drew his side arm and tried to fire it.
A sudden blast of laser like light shot from the center Obelisk and the blaster melted in his hand.
Darnog swung his energy sword at the old one but this time the old one did not move.
When the blade of the energy weapon came in contact with the bracelet on his left wrist the flash of sparks blinded everyone. The emperor hesitated for only a moment, the elderly warrior did not.
Darnog felt the blade pierce his chest pass through his heart and emerge from his back.
“You really think that blade can kill me?” He laughed.
“No! Not the blade, the GEM!” The old one smiled.
Darnog wondered which of his clones would take the throne as he felt himself being drawn in and compressed into the stone.
Aboard the ship in space the clones started to battle one another for the throne.
The smallest of these clones, Darnog 500 hid himself in an equipment locker. When the carnage settled and the noise stopped, he opened the door and looked out. There were bodies everywhere.
He headed for the throne room to see who was now in charge. The bodies of his fellow clones lined the passageways. He entered the throne room and the sight was almost surreal to him.
In front of the throne the last two other clones were on their knees facing one another.
Each had run the other threw with a sword. He was used to this sort of thing as it was not the first time it had happened. He walked over to the table on the side of the room and looked at all the pizza he had never been allowed to enjoy. He picked up a piece and a can of soda. Darnog 500 then walked over to the throne and sat down to eat the pizza. When the Admiral walked in to the throne room he saw the new emperor eating pizza and bowed.
“long live the new emperor!”
“It would seem that my task here is completed. I have done what you summoned me for, now my young priestess, please send me back?” The Old warrior bowed to the savage female.
“Uhm, sure!” She paused and looked suddenly very nervous.
“How?” She bit her lip and her tail curled around her legs. She looked more like a child who had done something wrong. The old Warrior dropped his sword and his mouth fell open.

“So you see children, that was how the rebellion won! Now if you will excuse me I have some trash cans to empty and a floor to mop.” The janitor saw the old teacher returning as he ended his story. 

He rose from the seat and picked up his cane, the one with the head of a dragon holding a stone in it’s mouth, and headed for his service cart.