Furry Writers' Guild Forum

The Gosling and the Manor

Critique
#1

This is my finished story for the Haunted Traveler anthology. I am currently in the process of proofreading it to make sure I didn’t do anything silly with it but I wanted to get input early so I can figure out if there’s any expanding / fixing that needs done. I admit that I tried to make it as horror related as possible but I did struggle a bit with this one. Anyways thanks in advance for any and all critiques.

A young gosling pattered lightly down the broken up cobble that made up the road. The gosling really didn’t want to do this. After all, an invitation to from Mrs. Hypatia was not something to refuse. The gosling’s mother talked in great detail to the woman and the two could be seen together on the porch talking about random drivel that crossed their mind. Mrs. Hypatia wasn’t really the owner of the estate but had acquired it from a confusing and boring brokerage from a mysterious and stately woman. The details of this transaction confused the young goose and they did not want to dwell on it. No, the task at hand was more important then meaningless notions. Having elevenses with Ms. Hypatia was like having a shot at the doctors office; best not the think about it and get it over with.

The house itself was rather homely in it's construction. In fact if one where to look at it objectively, it was not a mansion at all. It looked to only have six rooms inside and the mansion itself was decaying with an assortment of mosey fungi and aged ashen bricks that made it's appearance dull and dreary. What made it a mansion in the eyes of the child was it's sheer height, it's Neo-Byzantine style architecture and it's magnificent and splendid garden filled with various flowers the like's of which the goslings had never seen. The gated gardens had rows and rows of beautiful purple plants that spewed a peculiar mist that surrounded the estate. It gave a spooky, unearthly dew that when met with skin, made it crawl with fear. 

The gosling sucked in his breath and entered the Manor with vigor that it terrified the crows that were perched on the top of the building. The boy began to march his way down the cobble passage and into a park area with flower beds at angles parallel to each other with a massive found sandwiched between them. The fountain itself was rather terrifying; a statue perched on top showed a witch being staked and burned alive. The child didn't want to even look at it for long and began to walk around the garden. The gates themselves were of gothic variety, with spiked spires and elaborate fencing. The side of the building revealed that there wasn't seemingly anything on the other side of the estate.

The gosling's walked up to the building and gulped. The door had a gargoyle snarling as it's handles with an unimpressive oaken door. It seemed that in their rush to build the estate, they had forgotten to build to build a better door. The door in front of him barely covered the entire premise and it seemed to indicate that perhaps the residents weren't as rich as he thought. Nearby, a sign read: “Giant's Swallow” in a rather difficult to read font. The chipping of the black paint on the stone sign and the rather massive cracks didn't help either. The gosling's knocked thrice on the door and waited with the impatience that plagued all children. The door clicked audibly and then creaked open with an irritating whine. 

Inside was a rather lavish main hall with exquisite red carpeting and lavish wood paneling. It would seem that the architect of the house spent all the money on the insides of the house as well as the detailing on the outside. What was interesting was the apparent facade the outside was as the inside of the house was purely gothic with no signs of the Neo-Byzantine. The very ornate, gothic detailing found on the gates outside were present on the railings of the stairs. There were two of these stairs, which formed a “u” to create a raised, accessible platform. There were doors on both this platform and on top which would allow one to access this strange, singly story mansion.

The gosling wandered the luxurious halls to find, among many things, two wall mounted candles with a picture of someone who resembled their mother. A woman with long coral locks, with striking sapphire eyes and a stern smile that stretched across her face, and sharp, jutting, clenched orange beak. The woman seemed to be concentrating though on what the boy wasn't sure. As if on cue, the woman looked ahead and smiled. The boy was unsettled by this and moved slightly towards the left. He returned to the center of the room, which had an elaborate, gothic mandala on the tiling.

Without warning a shrill voice yelled will glee. “Parker! I'm coming for you!”
It only took seconds. The gosling dodged a ball-peen hammer that came careening towards him without much difficulty or care. Before him stood a balding, aged man with filmy, blood stained eyes, a face of which contain a rather robust amount of folds, and wore a mid-twentieth century dress coat. The man himself seemed to be that of a bulldog, small stature yet possessing towering intimidation. The bulldog began to bark with great ferocity and strike with passion. The gosling jumped to the left and began to waddle their way to the door.

“No dice,” they muttered as they fumbled with the esoteric fiendish door knobs. “There must be another way?”

The gosling tried to kick the door down with her webbed feet but to no avail. Another hammer came flying towards the gosling, which they moved out of the way just in the knick of time. The door burst into sizable, wooden shrapnel that scattered the floor and the aged man. The gosling quickly got up and dashed to the door. The rabid dog followed in suit entering the gated gardens along with the gosling. The little gosling ran as fast as their legs could, bounding outside the gardens oppressive flowers who have decided that a meal was coming. The snapping purple plants began to bite at their heels as they ran outside the estate with haste. 

It didn't take them long to reach the outside the reaches of the terrifying garden. The gosling stood a moment, panting. They looked over to find the lilliputian manor vanish into a foggy, hazy mist. A shrill scream came from the fog and later a deep, womanly voice chortled it's way through the echoey gas. Then, it began to spread and disperse throughout the town. The gosling let out a sigh of relief as it slowly and rather awkwardly dissipated. The woman's laughter rang in their head as the gosling became dizzy and, with great struggle, feel into darkness. 

The gosling awoke to the sound of their mother's voice. They rubbed their eyes, knowing that the nightmare had officially ended. Hoping out of the bed, the gosling went downstairs to find their mother cooking something rather delectable. What perturbed the gosling was that their mother was giving off a rather strange and odd vibe, sort of like the painting in the hallway. Then the gosling found that their mother's beautiful golden locks were replaced with the coral locks she had seen in the painting. The gosling stood there, dumbfounded and confused. 

The woman turned around and smiled warmly. “Tea, sweetie?"
#2

I don’t have any brilliant suggestions for the story, but have a few quick proofreading things!

You’ve got a ‘mosey’ for ‘mossy’, and a few instances of it’s where you need ‘its’ (his/hers/its).

Not sure about the gender of the gosling in this. You start off with ‘the gosling’, then there’s a ‘he’, and near the end a ‘she’, but you use the neutral ‘they’ and ‘their’ throughout. Unless the gender is meant to be a mystery, I’d pick one right at the start and stick with it.

There are a couple of sentences that are grammatically weird: ‘The man himself seemed to be that of a bulldog’ is one.

I’d try reading the whole thing out loud to check the sentences make sense.

#3

She initially was. I tend to create characters like with ambiguous gender first and then give them a gender afterwards. The problem was that I was writing very quickly and wanted to get something down on paper. As I was writing, she ended up being female but that’s what happened. That’s why I screwed up with his and hers, among other things. It also explains why the grammar was a bit off. I thought I got most of them but of course I missed 'em since I can’t sight for crap. I’ll have it fixed and put up again for critique.

#4

Okay… I feel like I’m being brutal here, but you expressed a real interest in a thorough critique during the Coffeehouse Chat. So, I’ve taken the first paragraph and done a bit of tearing it apart. If this is useful, I could try to find time to do this with more of the story.

A young gosling pattered lightly down the broken up cobble that made up the road.

This could be simplified to “A young gosling pattered lightly down the broken up cobble of the road.”

The gosling really didn’t want to do this.

Didn’t want to do what? Why withhold information in the second sentence? Just tell us what it is.

The gosling’s mother talked in great detail to the woman, and the two could be seen together on the porch talking about random drivel that crossed their mind.

First of all, there should be a comma separating these two independent clauses, so I added one in bold. Secondly, it’s vague to say that they “could” be seen. Seen by who? If the gosling sees them, just say, “The gosling saw them together on the porch.” Also, “random drivel that crossed their mind” is redundant. Just “random drivel” is sufficient. And, since there are two of them, they should have two minds. But we don’t need to know any of that – if it’s really random drivel, then it’s unimportant to the story. Really, this whole thing could be simplified to: “The gosling could see her mother and the woman talking together on the porch.” Much simpler.

Mrs. Hypatia wasn’t really the owner of the estate but had acquired it from a confusing and boring brokerage from a mysterious and stately woman. The details of this transaction confused the young goose, and they did not want to dwell on it. No, the task at hand was more important then meaningless notions.

If the notions are meaningless, why mention them? Also, you don’t have to say that it’s confusing more than once. And, you really need to pick the gosling’s gender – “they” implies that it’s more than one gosling which is confusing. Finally, I added a comma that was missing.

#5

Paragraph 2…

The house itself was rather homely in it’s construction.

The bold part is unnecessary.

In fact if one where to look at it objectively, it was not a mansion at all.

No one said that it was a mansion yet… So, this comes out of left field. Also, the bold part is clunky and unnecessary.

It looked to only have six rooms inside, and the mansion itself was decaying with an assortment of mosey fungi and aged ashen bricks that made it’s appearance dull and dreary.

The phrase “looked to have” is awkward and should be avoided. A simpler sentence like, “It was only large enough to hold six rooms” would be clearer. As Huskyteer said, “mosey” should be “mossy.” I added a missing comma. There shouldn’t be an apostrophe in the “it’s” that I put in bold. Also, it would probably work better to cut this sentence up into pieces – “The mansion was only large enough for six rooms. It was decaying, covered with mossy fungi and aged ashen bricks. The whole thing looked dull and dreary.” Obviously, there’d be other ways to do this – but there are three sentences worth of content strung together here.

What made it a mansion in the eyes of the child was it’s sheer height, it’s Neo-Byzantine style architecture and it’s magnificent and splendid garden filled with various flowers the like’s of which the goslings had never seen.

It’s = it is
If you can’t replace “it’s” with “it is,” then it should not have an apostrophe. There also should not be an apostrophe in “like’s.” Would a child of any sort, gosling or otherwise, be familiar with the word Neo-Byzantine? Probably not.

The gated gardens had rows and rows of beautiful purple plants that spewed a peculiar mist that surrounded the estate.

The two "that"s are making this feel clunkier, and the “had” could be replaced with something more interesting. A possible fix: “The gated gardens were filled with rows and rows of beautiful purple plants, spewing a peculiar mist.” If it’s important that the mist surrounds the estate, I’d break that into its own sentence.

It gave a spooky, unearthly dew that when met with skin, made it crawl with fear.

It’s important to be careful with the word “it.” In this sentence, the two instances of “it” are connecting to each other, making the meaning unclear. Perhaps, “The mist became a spooky, unearthly dew that made the gosling’s skin crawl with fear.”

#6

Paragraph 3…

The gosling sucked in his breath and entered the Manor with vigor that it terrified the crows that were perched on the top of the building.

The first bold part should read “a vigor that,” and the second bold part can be cut.

The boy began to march his way down the cobble passage and into a park area with flower beds at angles parallel to each other with a massive found sandwiched between them.

The first half of this sentence focuses on the gosling – in the second half, I completely lose track of where these things are in relation to the gosling. Also, if you have this much information, it doesn’t hurt to break it up into more sentences. And the bold section can be replaced with the single word “marched.”

The fountain itself was rather terrifying; a statue perched on top showed a witch being staked and burned alive.

The word “rather” weakens the sentence without adding anything. I’d delete it. Also, I have trouble picturing the witch statue – if she’s being staked, is there someone else in the statue staking her? Or is it just a witch with a stake through her? If she’s being burned, are there stone representations of flame?

The child didn’t want to even look at it for long and began to walk around the garden.

The bold parts can be removed. Also, wasn’t the gosling already walking around the garden? Perhaps this sentence should just read, “The child didn’t want to look at it.”

The gates themselves were of gothic variety, with spiked spires and elaborate fencing. The side of the building revealed that there wasn’t seemingly anything on the other side of the estate.

I’m not sure how a side of the building “reveals” something. And it’s generally better to describe what the reader should picture instead of what they shouldn’t. So, saying that it’s vacant or empty would be better than saying that there wasn’t anything there. Oh, and the “seemingly” just weakens it.

#7

Side note: I wouldn’t take the time to do this if I didn’t see potential here. Everything that I’m picking apart is simple to fix once you develop an eye for it.

#8

I have made some edits based on your suggestions. If you have any more please do share. I’m not sure if I should edit the original post or make a new post with the edited story. I’ll ask around and find out.

#9

I’d recommend you re-post the story with the edits, just with a notation at the end of the subject line of “Revision 1/2/3” etc. Or if you want to do it inline, I’d edit your top post after to provide a link to the newest version within the thread.

#10

Here is the updated version. I apologize if I should’ve edited the original post but I wanted to leave it as is so the things that the others were referencing still made sense.

A young gosling pattered lightly down the broken up cobble of the road. She arrived at a small manor which had an assortment of multicolored moss coating it's aged ashen bricks. The building itself was wider than it was high, sporting a flat stone roof top and a series of shattered, arched windows. Surrounding the manor was a tall, gloomy fence with sharp, sable spikes and thinning black paint. Between the pointed arches of the fencing, the gosling could see a magnificent and splendid garden with blossoms of flowers she had never seen before. The flower's petals were violet tinted and arranged like a five pointed stars. On the ends of the petals were small, round nodules. These nodules spewed a peculiar mist that surrounded the premises and created a spooky, unearthly dew that made the gosling's skin crawl with apprehension. The entrance to this grandiose structure was a tattered, unassuming wooden gate with a worn, rusted brass knob and matching brass detailing.

The gosling sucked in her breath and entered the manor grounds with vigor, pushing the gate open with her youthful might. This terrified the feral crows that were perched on the top of the gate, causing them to flutter away in frustration. The girl began to march her way down the cobble passage and into a garden area. Nearby, there were flower beds at angles parallel to each other. Sandwiched between them was a marble fountain. The fountain itself was terrifying; a stylized statue perched on top showed a witch with a stake through her heart amidst flames and a pool of congealed green slime caked the insides of the fountain. This particular slime exuded a foul, rancid fume that caused the gosling to cough hoarsely. A murder of crows were perched eagerly on the edge, lapping up the mystery liquid. She did not want to look at it. She instead turned her attention to the fencing again. Jutting out of one of the spikes was a single crow, impaled rather gruesomely by one of the spades that topped the fences. The other crows did not seem to notice their fallen comrade or the gosling.

She approached a loose, battered oaken door with a simple ring handle. Nearby, a sign read: “Oison Manor” in a rather difficult to read font. The stone sign had chipping black paint with a massive crack striking out most of the words. The gosling gulped and knocked thrice on the door, tapping her foot rapidly. After seconds of waiting, the door clicked audibly and then creaked open with an irritating whine. The gosling reluctantly and steadily entered the building.

Inside was a rather lavish yet simple foyer with exquisite, silken red carpeting and opulent wood paneling. The wood paneling had strange, geometric symbols that gave an unearthly, alien feel to the place.  The hallway formed a t-shape with a cherry wood door in front. A golden chandelier dangled loosely from the ceiling. There was a coat rack which had red rain boots and a matching coat, much like the one her mother wore when she was younger. The gosling paid no mind to it and decided to go through the door in front of her. 

The gosling was met with a gorgeous marble hall. The hall itself consisted of two hallways with two matching doors at the end and a large alcove. The gosling wandered over to the large alcove. There two wall mounted candles and picture of someone who resembled her mother. The woman in the picture had long coral locks, with striking sapphire eyes and a stern smile that stretched across her face, and sharp, jutting, clenched orange beak. The woman seemed to be concentrating though on what the girl wasn't sure. As if on cue, the woman looked ahead and smiled. The girl was unsettled by this and moved slightly towards the left. She returned to the center of the hall, deep in thought.

Without warning a shrill voice yelled will glee. “Parker! I'm coming for you!”

It only took seconds. The gosling dodged a translucent ball-peen hammer that came careening towards her without much difficulty. Before her stood a balding, aged bulldog with filmy, blood stained eyes. He wore a tattered mid-twentieth century dress coat and held a candelabra in his left hand. The bulldog began to bark with great ferocity, striking aimlessly at the gosling. The gosling jumped away from the bulldog and began to waddle her way to the door.

“Get back here Parker!” The ghostly bulldog cried. “I'm not done with you yet!”

The bulldog immediately caught the gosling. She struggled for some time, kicking and writhing from his hold. The gosling eventually landed a blow to the chin and the bulldog staggered, dropping the gosling on the floor.  The gosling gagged as she could feel her stomach lurch uncomfortable and felt herself fading. The gosling forced herself to get up, a wave of nausea following. The gosling ignored her stomach pains and rushed into the foyer room. 

The gosling rushed into the foyer and looked around. There wasn't any kind of weapon that she could use to detain the bulldog. Then the gosling noticed the hanging chandelier and attempted to bring it down with no luck. The gosling held her head as it began to throb and noticed the bulldog get up. She fumbled quickly to the door that led to the gardens. 

“No dice,” she muttered as she fiddled with the ringed handles. “There must be another way?”

The bulldog responded in piercing and heedless manner, ignoring the gosling's ramblings. “I built your house. I want my freedom. Give me my freedom Parker!”

The gosling tried to kick the door down with her webbed feet but to no avail. Another ghastly hammer came flying towards the gosling, which she moved out of the way just in the knick of time. The door burst into sizable, wooden shrapnel that scattered the floor. The gosling staggered a bit and dashed to the doorway. The rabid dog followed in suit and chased the gosling out of the house and into the gated gardens. The little gosling bounded as fast as she could, greatly outpacing the aged dog. The beautiful flowers that blanketed the gardens wilted and grew sharp, teeth-like petals. They snapped at the poor gosling's heels as she made her escape. It didn't take her long to reach outside the reaches of the terrifying garden. The gosling just kept running until she reached outside the fenced lawn and slammed the gate shut.

 The gosling stood a moment, panting.  The crazed bulldog stopped in his tracks and looked through the fence with horror. The gosling flinched and blinked. When her eyes opened she saw the lilliputian manor vanish into a foggy, hazy mist. A shrill scream called out for help and later a deep, womanly voice chortled sickeningly. The gosling could hear inaudible begging although she could only make out “spare me” and “I built your house”, which was reiterated several times. It went silent for a brief split second. Then the witchy voice spoke audibly through the ghastly fog.

“Everything I see, I shall devourer.”

The fog grew in size and began disperse throughout the town. The gosling tensed up as strange, wispy mutterings could be heard. The gosling ran and ran until she reached an empty lot. She curled up into a ball, crying and sobbing. The gosling let out a sigh of relief when the fog finally dissipated after some time. The gosling collapsed on the ground, exhausted by her adventure. The woman's laughter rang in the gosling's head as she became dizzy and, with great struggle, passed out.

The gosling awoke to the sound of her mother's voice. She rubbed her eyes and stood upright. The gosling hopped out of the bed and went downstairs to find her mother cooking something that smelled awful. It smelled like a mixture of the rancid slime she had found in the fountain and wet dog. What perturbed the gosling even more was that her mother was giving off a rather strange and odd vibe, sort of like the painting in the hallway. Then the gosling figured out what it was: her mother's beautiful golden locks were replaced with the coral locks she had seen in the painting. The gosling stood there, dumbfounded and confused. Meanwhile her mother continued her cooking session, oblivious to her surroundings.

After some time, the woman turned around and smiled warmly. “Tea, sweetie?”