I’m about halfway through, sneaking peeks between my own writing. I’m skipping the standard proofreading/spelling corrections because I’m assuming you caught them in the revision, and there wasn’t much of them.
I think there’s only two or three things that caught my attention so far.
The first was the cheese allergy. I didn’t think there was such a thing, but I did a little quick research (I love research, except for my own work because its so distracting). There is a general cheese allergy, but the systems are a lot more embarrassing. Which could be fun, but it would be a slightly different kind of story, I think, with Ray dropping his pants or soiling them. Ray is probably more lactose intolerant although he could be allergic to a specific protein or chemical, and having done quick research I’m not sure I would change anything. You were clear that the healer is still learning his trade so that should give you a bit of leeway and you could always use it another story where Ray drinks some milk, thinks he’s on his deathbed in dragon-drama mode only to be told by a pricey doctor/mage that Ray was probably a colicy baby and needs to avoid all milk products stay hydrated and that will be 100 gold, please.
The phrase “frog in the throat” is a slight inability to talk until the throat is cleared. It’s not directly related to the sensation, but Ray wouldn’t know that having never felt that way before.
Even though all the dialogue is in casual contemporary, the phrase “I used to date him” sounds too terribly modern and doesn’t really reflect the mores of what I tend to think of as a feudal system. I have the same issue with many Metamor Keep writers and story, so a lot of people like that. As long as it reflects how men and women co-mingle in your story-verse, more power to you.
The phrase “Magic Missile” is a similar issue. It’s not copyrighted by Wizards of the Coast or whomever owns D&D this year, but it kinda feels like it. I really recommend finding new words for the cantrips, even if it’s only the same words in German, Yiddish, or Latin. This is really my only strong recommendation so far; and the more obscure the language the more you’ll claim it as your own. “Sihir rudal!” Magic missile in Malay. Also, justifies having a spell book. “Tên lửa ảo thuật!” Who can remember that, other than another Vietnamese?
In a less strong vein, but on the field of general advice, the world seems a bit generic. Sometimes that is for the best and it allows the story to concentrate on characters, especially in short stories. But there are ways to add a personal touch or signature without adding to the word count much. Maybe could be the dress or the way of describing magic or the stars… anything of yourself.
Again, nothing wrong with concentrating on the characters.