Furry Writers' Guild Forum

The Beginning of Werehog pt. 2 (in the works)

This still is not finish yet but I really need someone to review it. Thank you to anyone who review this for me and I appreciate it

It’s probably best to read the first part first to understand what going on http://www.anthroaquatic.com/forum/index.php?topic=605.0

I just stood there with my mouth open, shocked at what I saw. An anthropomorphic dragon. It’s like every furry dream to see a real dragon, let alone, get attacked by one, I was either the luckiest fur in the world or the most about to be dead one.
I watched as he picked up a mask from the ground. The mask had a face of a dragon. It was white with black and red markings, at the forehead there’s an yin and yang symbol, at the top there was 2 long black horns on the outer ends and 2 short black horns between the long ones, also on the right side of the mask there was some claw marks.
As he put on the mask something strange had happened, the dragon had transformed into the human guy that I attacked. I was dumbfounded, I thought to myself that maybe I was going crazy… or maybe it had something to do with his mark but whatever it was, I wanted to find out. Soon after his transformation, he transform back to his dragon form and he growled.
The dragon was muscle built, he was twice my size, his scales were red and black, his soulless eyes were bloody red, mighty dragon wings was folded on his back, he also had a lively reptile like tail.
He walked towards me. I did nothing but glazed. He fascinated me, just watching him walked amazed me for some reason but the closer he got to me the more my mind started to come back to me. Soon he was looming over me. I was getting scared. I took a step back and I blinked. Once I opened my eyes, I seen the dragon was smiling, I look down and noticed that one of his claws was cover in blood. All of the sudden I felt a strong pain coming from my body. I touched my chest to my belly, I felt blood… he clawed me…
I stumbled back hearing the dragon saying something about me not being a fake wolf but I really didn’t pay much attention to his words. He tried attacking me again but I jumped back almost landing on the girl, to be honest I kinda forgot about her at the time. He opened his mouth and shot a huge fire-ball at me and the girl, I quickly swooped the girl up, ignored all pain that came from my wounds , and I jumped to the lowest fire escape landing barely reaching it. I placed the girl there and told her to stay there, and I jumped back down.
Him and me had our eyes locked on each other. He looked at me with a devilish grinned, he probably was imagining how gruesome he will murder me. I looked at him as the creature he is, as a mighty fire-breathing beast that look at anything smaller and weaker as a tiny play thing or meal.
He got on all fours, and then he jumped at me. I froze up, all his weight had fallen on to me like large rocks and I fell to the ground with him on top of me pending me down. He tried to bite for my neck. I grabbed his snout and lower jaw and I tried to push his mouth back. Next thing I knew, I seen a light glow brighten in the back of his throat, I realized what was coming so I shut his mouth, and I pushed up on my legs to kicked him off me. It took all my strength but eventually I got him away from me.
I hop back to my hind paws and I charged at him, once I got closed I attacked him with a punch to his chest but It didn’t effected him. He punched me in the face, it was incredible how much power was behind that punched. I started to fall back but he grab my paw, and he pulled me up to a head butt. I fell to the ground dazed, and confused. As I opened my eyes I seen his hind paw coming down at me fast, I rolled to my side, and then to my hind paws. I slowly walked back as he came closer. He said that I shouldn’t have interrupted, he said he was gonna kill me. I felt my fur standing up. He attacked me with his claw again, luckily I just dodged it but unfortunately I couldn’t dodged his second attack, he clawed my body again. I shouted, I got a painful reminder of the wounds on my body, more blood withdraw from them. I started to feel light-headed, I felt dizzy, I was losing too much blood. The dragon kicked me to the ground. I fell to the ground bleeding, tired, in pain, and defeated.
Why did I go through all of that?.. just for a girl that I didn’t even know at the time. I could had have avoided that whole confrontation that night but, I felt like I could had done something to change things…
As I lay on the ground I thought to myself. I wondered why I wasn’t any stronger. I thought with my new wolf-ish body I would be able to hit harder, jumped higher, and move faster like werewolves in media but I guessed I thought wronged. Unfortunately I was still limited to the best of my abilities… I should of known better, I should of known better than to believe in the werewolves stuff on media…
The dragon towered over me with a evil grin on his face. I tried moving but I didn’t have the energy, I growled at him hoping that he might back off a little, but that didn’t do anything but made him chuckle. He raised his claw high above him, ready to end my life. My mind started to be clouded by anger, I wasn’t ready to die yet, I had so many things I wanted to do and experience. Unfortunately there was nothing that I could do to save myself, I had to accept death.
All of the sudden my right arm started to hurt really bad, I look down at my arm and I seen it oozing large amounts of black sludge. I was dumbfounded, I didn’t know what was going on with my arm. I remember during my transformation my fur was oozing this black sludge but it wasn’t burning or hurting me. From the corner of my eye I seen the dragon’s claw coming down at me, I closed my eye and prepared to meet my maker.
I heard a cried from the dragon, I waited a few moments before I opened my eyes. I seen the dragon’s back turned to me, I overheard that he was talking to someone.
I was relieved, who ever had distracted him had brought me time to regain some of my strength. I looked back to my arm to find it looking normal. I was lost, I wondered what was wrong with my arm and why it was acting up. My arm felt like someone had drained all the energy from it, unfortunately for me I couldn’t move it at the time, but I couldn’t had let that stop me, I head to get the girl and go. I brought myself to my hind paws, and I looked up at the fire escape to find that she was gone. She probably had got away in the heat of the fight, I’m glad she got away.
I turned my attention back to the dragon and I noticed that he had a metal bar in his hand, he’d carelessly toss it behind him. The bar landed in front of me, I knew what I was gonna do. I picked up the bar with my left paw and I walked slowly up to him while he was still wasn’t paying attention. I had tightened my grip and I swung with all my might hitting the dragon’s side. He roared in pain and he spun til he was facing me on his front and hind paws. As soon as his head was in reach, I hit him again on my back swing, I knew if I give him a chance to attack he would kill me, I kept hitting at his head, eventually I thought he’d would blackout or die. Unfortunately he didn’t go down on first hit but he did stumbled back a little. I’d hit him again, and again, and again at the same area til he fallen unconscious. He layed on the ground with his mask broken and shattered; blood ran from cuts and bruises from his face; and from broken teeth in his mouth.
I dropped the metal bar and I starred at the unconscious dragon. I thought to myself about everything… Who was that dragon? Was he human or not? What was up with his mask? What was up with my mask? Who was that girl? What was that black sludge?.. All this unanswered questions danced around in my head. I collapsed, fading in and out of consciousness. Eventually I blackout.
Some time later I woke-up. I got up slowly and I touched my body, my wounds was still there, I really wasn’t bleeding anymore but I still felt my blood on my paw. I looked at my bloody paw, I seen blood and black sludge, I quickly looked down at my wounds, my wounds had a mixture of blood and black sludge in them… I needed to figure out what was wrong with me.
I made my way to the alley exist until I noticed a girl, it was the same girl from before. She was on the ground, sitting with her face in her lap. I didn’t know if she was there the whole time or not but I was glad to see that she was okay. I walked up to her and lightly kicked her to get her attention. She looked at up me. I asked if she was alright, she answered that she was fine but her face answered differently. She didn’t give me any eye contact and she also didn’t looked very happy. I could tell that something was bothering her, this whole event had probably scar her.
I sat down next to her.

“Is he dead?” She asked me
“I’m not sure, he could be unconscious or dead.” I answer.
“Alright.” She said.
“Yeah… What’s your name?”
“My friends call me Kelp.”
“Alright, call me Werehog… I’m gonna cut to the chase, I’m gonna need you tell me anything that happened here tonight. Who was that guy that was attacking you? What’s your deal with him? What is his?”
“I can’t tell you much cause I don’t know him. I don’t know who is or what he is. Only thing I can tell you that I was walking home, then from nowhere he grab me and starred harassing me.”
“Damn it…” I looked her in her eyes. “… Well do you know anything about this?” I showed her my mask in hoped that she could have given me any information.
She said no.

Kelp had to know something about that night, she couldn’t had just been clueless about everything. I asked her again, I thought maybe her mind wasn’t all together yet. That time she said no with some aggression behind it. I looked down at the ground, I put on the mask and I sat in silence. I began to worried, if she really didn’t know anything, that mean I had to get the answers from the dragon guy. I hope Kelp lied, I really didn’t want to deal with him again. I feared that if he was alive and wake his fury would be unmerciful, he would kill me.

Werehog, in short and as kindly as I can, this work isn’t yet ready for critique or beta review. Your fundamentals of English need a lot more serious work before this piece can be read and judged as a piece of prose.

A good story comes together like a lot of parts of Lego; words like bricks, overall design arising from them. Right now, though, your linguistic bucket of Lego has some Duplo in there, some K’nex, definitely some Play-Doh, and a lot of things that just aren’t the tools that you need.

Let’s start with sentence three: It’s like every furry dream to see a real dragon, let alone, get attacked by one, I was either the luckiest fur in the world or the most about to be dead one.

This is exactly as far as I got in your story before I realized there was some Play-Doh in your Lego pile. Let’s break this part down brick by brick:

Missing 's on “furry”. The statement “It’s like every furry’s dream to see a real dragon, let alone, get attacked by one” is nonsensical. Why would anyone dream of being attacked by a dragon? There should be a period at the end of “attacked by one”, not a comma, so it would read like so:

It’s like every furry’s dream to see a real dragon, let alone get attacked by one.

There, it’s still nonsensical, but at least the punctuation is reasonably appropriate. Moving on:

I was either the luckiest fur in the world or the most about to be dead one.

First, don’t use ‘fur’ as a pronoun. It’s hella tacky. If the ‘fur’ as an individual is a human, say so. If they’re not, tell us the species. Give us something more substantial than ‘fur’.

Second, seek simplicity and clarity in your writing. As the old writing advice goes: “Let me be clear: Be clear.” Which if we can distill down to simply “Be clear.”, we do. So let’s distill this:

I was either the luckiest fur person in the world or the most about to be dead one.

I was either the luckiest person in the world, or doomed.

See how we distilled “the most about to be dead one”, which is SEVEN WORDS, down to ONE? That’s essential as a writing skill. Distill, distill, distill. Be clear first, apply style and personality second.


In closing, I’m going to give you the advice my literary hero crushed my heart and opened my eyes with:

“Anyone who can be discouraged from writing, should be.”

I put your piece through a word counter. 1973 words, which I’m not going to read, because you lost me within the first 40. But.

That’s 1973 words. They might be terrible words, but they’re 1973 more words down, practiced, than you’d have had if you hadn’t spent the time and effort to write them. They are 1973 words better than you were when you started. You put yourself out there, you stepped out on stage. And yeah, it was a trainwreck, but if you stop now all that’s left of you is a trainwreck.

Become someone who can’t be discouraged from writing. Go through this piece. Write it again. Follow Samuel Beckett’s wise advice: “Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try Again. Fail again. Fail better.”

Now. Go read. Go practice your English fundamentals. GO READ. MORE. MORE. NOW SOME MORE. Grab a novel, or two, or three. Read. Pay attention to the words. The way that punctuation is used. The way that words are employed. Ask yourself how you would have written a particular sentence; then ask yourself why the author wrote it the way they did.

Then staple your butt to the chair and write. That’s the only way any of us ever improved! :slight_smile: