Furry Writers' Guild Forum

The Beginning of Werehog pt.1 (still needs more criticism)

I all ready posted this to a site but I feeling that I miss something in my story or I did something so I need someone to review please if you have the time

The Beginning of It All

I don’t have many pleasant memories of my human life, I remember I was sad, angry, depressed, and unsatisfied with my life. I wanted to be something different other than being a human, I wanted to be a werewolf. I always used to dream of myself being my fursona, being free from my troubles; but I use to also dream of horrible things like me killing, and torturing incidents humans just for the fun of it. Now I wasn’t a crazy secret killer or anything like that but let’s say I just had some inner demons that needed to be let out.
I was a big fat handsome male (A bear kinda) in high school, my grades wasn’t very good but I was still passing; I stayed with my asshole of a father and his bitch before my life changed. Let me tell you a little story, a story about the first few days of me being a werewolf.
It all started on Sunday night, I was up late looking at furry art on my android. I loved looking at everybody’s fursonas at the time, everybody was so creative on their fursona and their lives, but I was kinda jealous that. Anyway as I was scrolling down the page, I got an email title “Free werewolf spell”

“Seem legit (sarcastic).” I said to myself.

I kept on scrolling but… something was urging me to go back and read it. I try to ignore it but the urges got stronger and stronger until I couldn’t handle it. I opened my mail and I read it. It read

“This is a real werewolf spell and if you continue pass this there will be no turning back and no reversing the spell. You will be a werewolf for THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.”

“Could this be real? Could this spell actually turn me into a werewolf?” I thought to myself. “No I shouldn’t get my hopes up again for nothing, I know how I get when I’m let down, stuff like this doesn’t exist so I should just stop… But maybe just maybe this might actually work.”

I continued pass the email and an page popped up. The page was nothing but a white page will a little paragraph.

It read

“As you stand beneath the moon
Your cheery song changes tune
Your blood runs cold
Your fur grows thick
You lose your mind as away your soul slips
Deep into the night
And as you fight with all your might
It does no good
It will be like you was never were human.”

After I read it, the whole application had closed out of itself. I waited for something to happen.
“…I knew I shouldn’t have got my hopes u—” I felt a sharp pain in my body.
It was actually happening. The transformation. I drop to my knees in pain.

"This pain…. It hurts so much.” I thought to myself.

My mouth started to form into a snout, my teeth started to get longer and sharper. The pain got stronger and stronger, long black fur was ripping out of my skin one by one, this black fur… it drip this strange black substance that I’ve had never seen before; my feet was violating shifting into wolf’s hind paws; my hands grew along with my nails which was now claws; my body grew and change every second. I wanted to scream but I held back.

“No, I must not yell. No matter how much it hurts I must keep my mouth shut. I can’t let anybody find out what’s happening to you”. I thought to myself.

I wanted the transformation to end but it seem like it took hours for it to finish. After a while the pain just stops.
My body felt weak. I tried standing but I couldn’t, the only thing I could do was close my eyes and sleep.

The next morning I was awoken by a horrible smell from a black carpet stain. I wonder where did it came from and I picked myself up from where I lay. As I stood I noticed that my feet had changed then at first shocked but then remembered from last night, the transformation.

I looked at a mirror, my body had fully transformed into a werewolf. My body was cover in black fur, my face had a snout, my eye’s pupils were red spirals with rough edges, I had wolf ears on the top of my head, my body got bigger, fortunately my fat belly was still there but not as big was, my legs was now hind legs, and I also had grown a tail.
I thought to myself that this is real, this is not a dream. I’m a real breathing Werewolf.
I looked at the time, it 5 am. Usually around that time I would be getting ready for school but no not anymore, how could I go back to school with me being a werewolf!? I decided that this Monday was gonna be different for me. I got a shower, bush my very sharp teeth, got my clothes on which really couldn’t fit me, and head out the door.

When I got outside human people just stared and whisper things about me like I was a freak. I would hear people say some awful things like

“Here comes the furry freak.”
“Fucking furfag”

I never really heard people say things like that to me. I mean I know I’m a werewolf but they didn’t know that, as far as they knew I’m just a guy in a fursuit but was this how furries was really treated? I also known that people can be mean to anything that’s different from the normal but they was beyond mean, they was cruel. I was angry, what give them the right to talk trash about me? I wanted to go ripped every last person’s tongue out but I tried to stay calm. Unfortunately more and more people had bother me and I was slowly losing my temper so I ran, I ran until I ran into a random little shop. It was cowardly kinda yes but like I said before, I wanted to stay calm.
The building I ran in was an magic, spells, and potions shop. There were spell books, potions, charms, and a lot of stuff everywhere. I started to roam around the shop trying stuff out. Maybe I wasn’t using the items correctly or maybe they was just too old but nothing I tried actually work unfortunately.
I was about to leave until I noticed something out of the corner of my eye. It was a black wolf mask; the mask had a pretty bad crack right in between the eye holes; I picked up the mask, it had some weight to it and it felt like it was made out of some type of glass-like material.
I brought the mask slowly to my face until I heard a loud noise.
I jumped a bit and I turned, broken glass was on the floor, a glass bottle or something had fallen I guessed.
A few minutes later I gone to paid for the mask I left the shop. It was night time when I left.

I really didn’t want to but I headed home, I really didn’t want to but It was time to go back there. As I made my way back home I tried on my mask, as I wore it it felt like my sight and my sense of smell have changed some how, they kinda felt like they had increased in sensitive.

“Get away from me you creep!!!”

I heard a cry from a girl.

Her scream came from an alley across the street. I ran over there to check it out. Once I was there I peer around the corner and seen a girl being bothered by what seemed to be a… dragon!

I blinked I thought the mask was mess in with my eyes so I took it off. Then had seen just a human man.

“Come you little human. I just want of play with ya.” Said a man.

The man was white with a 5 o clock shadow, he look like he was in his late 20’s or early 30’s; What’s weird about this guy is that he had red dragon’s eyes and a red and blue dragon’s tail. They looked pretty real but they must of been fake.
I seen him grabbed her arms, he had a tight

The guy had looked at her with lust in his eyes, he grabbed her and pulled her closer to himself. The girl kicked and screamed but it seem like she couldn’t break free from his hold on her.
I couldn’t just stand there and do nothing, I had the power to do something. I ran in clawed his face with so with rage behind it. Strangely when my claw made contacted to his face, it didn’t felt like I clawed flesh but It felt like I clawed some kind of material.

I turned to the girl and asked if she was ok. I held my paw out to her to help her up but she had no responded, she just sat there staring at me with fear in her eyes, like she was looking at a monster.

Before she could even attempt to grab my paw, I pulled my paw back quickly. I started to feel this firefly sensation of pain on my back, It felt like someone was firing a flamethrower at me.

“You fucker” the guy said to me. I turned around, an human wasn’t their anymore… a anthropomorphic dragon had took his place. “You made the worst mistake in your life!!!”

Hi, werehog!

To start with, your story probably isn’t going to see any meaningful critique if you aren’t displaying an understanding of the fundamentals of style and substance.

To begin with, at a glance I can count a number of choices in punctuation that would immediately deter a reader. The use of parentheses to indicate the tone used is generally not acceptable, such as:

"Seem legit (sarcastic)." I said to myself.

You could better provide this line by showing, not telling. Instead of (sarcastic), take the words and time to describe your narrator’s reaction, ideally without needing to use the words ‘sarcastic’ or ‘sarcasm’. For example:

I rolled my eyes, and felt my lips part in a sneer. "Seems legit.", I said to myself.

I’m going to strongly recommend that if you intend to take writing seriously, that you approach it with the same determination you would job training. I’d very strongly advise that you spend a few dollars to buy a copy of The Elements of Style, by Strunk and White. Many, many authors will tell you that that book is as essential to their writing as a dictionary and thesaurus.

Buy that book, read it cover to cover (and over and over again, it’s a tremendously slim volume), and absorb as much as you can from it. Keep it by your keyboard when you’re writing, and refer to it often.

Know the language, work with the language, and craft your prose from the language. Read everything you can, write everything you can. Don’t stop!

I see alright i will try to borrow a copy from my teacher or i buy a copy on my tablet. Thanks for the help i really greatly appreciate.

One question, am i doing anything else wrong like the story itself?