This is an excerpt from a story I am writing in the second person. Since this is a particularly uncommon, and difficult, form to write in, I wanted some feed back as to how it looks so far. Should I take it or leave it? The piece is about 630 words.
Halloween came early for you that October when Dolan had to leave. Just as things were starting to heat up overseas, he was finally called to deployment. That was when the both of you and the others decided to move The Unmasking to the 6th instead of its usual 31st. But what did it matter? Just a few weeks ago, the world changed forever. So why not let everything else go along with it to the finest of detail? There was nothing you could do except savor what remained while it lasted.
That’s what you were thinking the Friday night before the Unmasking, Dolan with sitting beside you on the coach; his brown fur flicking in the light of the projector screen that you had set up in your apartment. The Unmasking was the tradition the two of you shared with Bonnie, Fralla, Jude, and Row, but this tradition was strictly between the two of you: watching scary movies on the projector screen and fondling each other the night before the big event. That night you picked your favorite: The Night of the Fur Eaters.
Dolan wraps his broad Sheppard arm over your slender Leopard body. Sometimes his paws slip down between your nylon shorts, teasing until you reacted with a flitch or a sigh. He was quoting whole sections of dialogue of the movie. But you can’t help but notice that he is a bit more stern than usual. Sure, his somber, earthy attitude is what drew you to him in the first place, but this was different. Of course, it was not secret why, with all that happened last month. Still, it bothered you that his grasp on you was firm and but his face weary.
“There’re coming to get you Sandra…” Dolan gloated over the character into the movie. Usually by now, the consistent quoting would be getting on your nerves and you’d tell him to knock it off.
He changes into a high tone for the female character’s role. “Stop it! Knock it off!”
Then he’d continue with even more exaggerated gestures until you engaged him in a playful fight and he’d lay down his authority on you, hopefully.
“There’re coming for you, Sandra!”
But you let it go. This was the most personality he’d been showing in days. You look up at him, his blue eyes glistening in the film and his muzzle smiling as it mouthed off the words of the actors. You wonder if he is waiting for you to cut it and if he’s getting a little thrown off by your passiveness. Finally, locks his eyes on yours.
“You got something to say?” he says playfully.
You nuzzle your head into his chest. “No. Why?”
“This…isn’t bothering you yet?” You are alarmed to hear some gravity in his voice.
“Not yet. Besides, I wanna just listen to you talk for a while.” You curl the end of your long tail so backward that a sharp pain bolts up its bone.
How could you be so stupid? Didn’t you realize how final that sounded?
Dolan lifts your head up to his and you try to focus only on his nose.
“I guess,” he chuckles, “fake angry sex is out of the question this year?”
“Oh, stop it!”
Dolan laughs. “That’s more like it!” Then he begins to nibble at your nose, but you push him off. “I’m serious,” you pout.
“Okay, okay,” he says soothingly. “I can be tender.”
“Good,” you huff in amusement as he returns to your position at his side, “then you won’t mind waiting until after the movie.”
“Alright,” he says in a mock wine. “But I may have to exercise some…executive action if the situation doesn’t improve.”
“Please, don’t talk like that Dolan.” You say in a passive snap.