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ROAR 7 - Emeralds, Sapphires, and Sorcery

Yay Oxford comma >.>

Alright folks, I figured I’d use this same thread since it’s sort of the same story X3 I had extended Fable into a 6400 word story, but it was found not furry enough for the RF anthology. I would like to submit it for ROAR 7, but I realized my writing has come quite a ways since I wrote this, so I’m not even certain where to start. Advice on how to inject more furry while keeping the ambiguity I was shooting for is appreciated. Copy editing isn’t needed at this stage, but if you see anything glaring then feel free to point it out.

Thank you very much!

6400 Words
PG Rating
Legend Theme

~~~~~

“He’s approved it! Sir Emerald! The king’s approved your proposal!”

I looked up from the letter I had been penning to see the young squire burst into my room. A smile pulled on my lips despite myself as I gently chastised, “Is that how you knock?”

The squire’s cheeks turned crimson. “My apologies, Sir Emerald. His Majesty though, he’s approved your quest! You can begin immediately!”

I felt my heart skip a beat as the child handed me the paper. My eyes scanned over the words, certain there must have been some mistake. Thrice I had sent in the request, and twice had been denied. Had the third time truly been a charm?

“Shall I pack our bags?”

I didn’t bother taking my eyes from the words as I shook my head. “No. No, get Peridot, the Sapphire Knight’s old squire. He should be teaching in the courtyard right now. Tell him I need him.”

“I… but Sir, am I not a capable squire for you?”

I finally glanced up from the letter, and softened my expression when I saw how crestfallen Garnet was. I knew that look all too well from my own reflection growing up. “You’re more than capable. You’re energetic, and always eager to learn and serve. Yet what I need right now is wisdom and intelligence- two things you won’t be able to get without time and experience.”

I gingerly set the king’s letter down and moved to finish the one I had been penning. Before my actions could be viewed as a dismissal, I added, “I want you to deliver this letter to the Lapis Knight, who will be training you.”

The squire’s body seemed to shrink further as tears were fought against. I placed a hand on Garnet’s shoulder and smiled softly, shaking my head. “You misunderstand, Child. This is your chance to learn, to grow, to expand your skills. When I return, I want to have to fight Sir Lapis for the right to have you as my squire once more. Make me proud, Child, because I will be coming back for you.”

Garnet’s eyes lit up as bright as the noonday sun. “I’ll make you proud Sir, I promise!”

“I know you will. Now, run along, and don’t forget to fetch me Peridot.”

The squire scampered off with the letter, taking only a moment to close the door before booted feet pattered down the stone hall. I smiled as I released the breath I had been holding, glad Garnet hadn’t disappointed me. Such an obedient child, so passionate and full of life. Certainly enough to keep Sir Lapis’ hands full. I picked up the king’s letter once more and studied it as I waited for Peridot. I read through the letter four times before there was a soft knock on my door.

“Enter.”

Peridot pulled it open, his milky-green eyes peering at me from beneath twin bushy eyebrows that were more grey than black. Questions swirled within, but he waited for me to speak first. I took a moment to study his slightly hunched form, noting that age hadn’t been gentle to him. The sun had paid its toll with skin as thick as leather, and time had etched deep lines around his eyes and mouth. There was reason though the Sapphire Knight had kept him as his squire after all these years; his wisdom and guidance were unmatched, invaluable to any knight who was willing to listen. I rose from my desk and offered Peridot the letter as I explained in a voice that was far calmer than I felt, “He’s finally giving me the opportunity to seek out the Sapphire Knight. He believes that between your knowledge and my skill, we should be successful against the Onyx Knight and the Mad Sorceress.”

Peridot’s eyes widened slightly, and the tip of his tongue ran over dry cracked lips. “Now here’s the important question, good Sir. Do you believe we could be successful? The Onyx Knight is said to be the most skilled fighter these lands have ever seen, and the sorceress holds power that is straight from legend. It would be unwise to underestimate either of them.”

I felt something in my heart harden and straightened my posture. “We will be successful. We have to be. I won’t let my brother be lost to the clutches of evil.”

A frown touched Peridot’s lips as he studied my eyes. “Be mindful, not everything is as it seems. Not all white is good and not all black is evil.”

I folded my arms across my chest and shook my head. “They took a good, honorable man against his will. There’s no good in that. I respect the power and skill it must take to beat my brother. One can respect the skill though without cowering to those who wield it. I will not be beaten by the Onyx Knight. The sorceress might be cunning, but most magic is little more than illusion. What I will need most for this quest is to be brave, to be bold, and to be observant.”

The smile returned to Peridot’s lips. “Wise words. I remember telling your brother as much when we went to save the Princess of Turmaline from the Dragon of East Watch.”

“That was little more than a lizard and mirrors, and a band of bandits that had outwitted an entire kingdom.”

“Ha! Yes! Queen Tora thought your brother was the King of Fools!”

“Until he proved it by finding the mirror and shattering it. I still remember how he described the look on the Queen’s face when he presented the lizard and bandits to her.”

“She couldn’t seem to decide who she wanted to kill more! The bandits for taking her daughter and fooling her knights, her knights for being so easily fooled, or your brother for showing how foolish her knights had been!”

“Then the Sapphire Knight turned her attention back to the fact that her daughter had been returned in whole.”

“He even slipped in the hint that perhaps this was a sign from the gods that the two kingdoms were to be united. I still marvel at the way he worked the wording. Such humility, and yet such pride. It’s a wonder he didn’t accept the offer of the Princess’s hand.”

I shook my head as I fought back the tears. I could all but hear my brother’s voice as he told the story with Peridot, all but see his smile as he tried to pass it all off as luck and careful observation. Would I never hear his voice again? Never see him smile?

“I will find them, Peridot. I will beat the Onyx Knight, as my brother had beaten the clutch of bandits. I will shatter each and every mirror the sorceress uses before I shatter her.”

Peridot’s frown returned, and he shook his head as he asked in a quiet voice, “Are you certain you will be able to see through the illusions?”

There was something in his word choice that gave me pause. It didn’t take much for me to find my resolve though, and I nodded as my expression hardened once more. “I will free my brother, no matter the cost.”

He tilted his head slightly, his eyes reflective, before he finally nodded with a return of his smile. “Yes Sir, I do believe you will, so long as you go in with eyes wide open. Shall I pack our bags?”

~~~~~*~

The month-long travel had been uneventful. We both carried rations and a small amount of coin, though we hunted and fished when we could and slept under the stars when the weather allowed. There was no telling what state my brother would be in once we found him, so I wanted to save what I could to tend to him should the need arise. It wasn’t until we were passing by yet another unremarkable village when Peridot let out a yelp.

“Sir Emerald! I believe we’re getting close!” He drew his horse beside mine before he continued, “I remember this village. It has the river running right through it, and the mill, there! We should venture in and restock our supplies. It will give me the chance to compare notes and be more certain. If I’m correct though, we only have two days’ travel until we reach the valley. We might even gain a bit more knowledge of what we will be facing.”

I gave a sharp nod and let him lead the way into the village. We stopped by a small tavern and secured our horses to the post so Peridot could bring out the thick tomb he kept all his notes in. Within the leather bindings was every travel he and first my father, then my brother had been on. When I was young, I was surprised once when he let me watch him rewrite a few of the notes, only to find that he used an infuriatingly indecipherable short-hand. If I wanted any stories of their travels, it would have to be through Peridot. Thankfully, he was a remarkable storyteller.

I took the time to study the area around us. It looked much like any other village, populated by typical villagers going through their daily chores. I closed my eyes and listened, as my brother would have me do sometimes when trying to get me to see without seeing. There was the smell of alcohol and dung and sweat and roasting pig, most likely all from the tavern near us. Beneath it was the smell of sweet grass carried by an inconsistent breeze that lightly caressed my cheek. Sounds of laughter within the tavern, and someone playing the fiddle. Children were shouting further away, splashing in the water even with the chill in the air, and further still was the sound of a church bell ringing. It was peaceful in a special way that settles the thoughts and calms the heart. Too peaceful for a village so close to the quarters of a black knight and insane sorceress. Maybe Peridot was wrong for once.

“Ha! I was right!”

My eyes snapped open to focus on the old man, who’s grin reached from ear to ear.

“The river was flooded last spring from the mountain range! It was causing all sorts of problems here, so we stopped to help the villagers before everything was put under. You see over there, the buildings near the river? They’re still using the stilts we helped them build! I remember the owner of the market there was stubborn as a mule and nearly lost everything to the waters!”

I pressed my lips together and looked around. “It doesn’t make sense though. If the Onyx Knight and Mad Sorceress are so close, then shouldn’t this village be ravaged? Or at least have more defenses built?”

Peridot frowned and looked around. “Easy way to answer that question, Sir.” He motioned to the tavern as his grin returned. “Strong enough ale makes for loose lips. It shouldn’t be too difficult to get the rumor mill moving.”

My stomach soured at the very thought of having to wade through village rumors for any small nugget of information, but Peridot was right. If nothing else, we could at least get an idea of what illusions we might be facing. I led the way in and headed straight for the bar.

It didn’t take much to get the stories flying. There was talk of how the sorceress was made of nothing but fur-covered serpents, and how she controlled vines with a mere flick of her wrist. Some claimed she never touched the ground, but floated just above the grass, and could take flight high into the sky with just a few spoken words. There was even a farmer who claimed she was a small dragon. There wasn’t near as much talk of the Onyx Knight, and even less of my brother. There was talk that the Onyx Knight’s armor was made of the night itself, and drank in any violence done to it so the Onyx Knight felt nothing. One fool even claimed the Onyx Knight was some king’s son who had sought freedom through the sorceress, only for her to enchant him to do her every bidding.

By day’s end, my head was swimming from all the nonsense that had been fed to us. Peridot was excited to revisit his tomb though, and insisted we take a room at the inn so he could better compare notes. I normally would object, but the throbbing in my temples demanded otherwise. We found the only inn in the village and settled in for the evening. Peridot was still pouring over his notes as I forced myself to close off everything I had learned at the tavern so sleep could lay claim.

~~~~~*

We started out early the next morning without words. There was no awkwardness or hostility in the silence- we were both focused and determined in our own way. I knew Peridot was doing what he could to fish out truth from all the gossip, and every bit of knowledge he could give would be helpful.

The night came and went, quiet as the day had been. I was tempted to draw Peridot into conversation, yet I bit my tongue and forced myself to remain patient. Wisdom was never gained by force. I tried to calm my mind by checking each arrow in my quiver. When I had made certain each point was sharp and any fletching that needed so was replaced, only then did I allow myself to spread out my bedroll. I still slept restlessly that night. Nightmares of my brother’s corpse clawed on the edges of my consciousness every time I began to nod off. Morning, blessed morning, didn’t come soon enough.

Once more the sun found us riding and we didn’t stop to make camp until it was sinking beneath the opposite horizon. We ate our rations in quiet observance, our thoughts a million miles away. The squire poured over his notes and I saw to my blade and armor-- I would not have my brother’s fate decided by faulty steel. I took the time to run through different techniques and counter-techniques in my mind’s eye. I wasn’t certain how much of what we had been told was gross exaggeration and how much was honest truth, but I had to be prepared for the worst. What was I to do if the stories were true though? How could steel possibly beat true sorcery? How could I succeed where my brother failed?

“With all due respect, Sir, it would be unwise to doubt yourself now when we’ve already come so far.”

I pulled myself away from my thoughts and blinked my eyes back into focus. Peridot was gingerly folding one of his maps back into his tomb as he eyed me. I shook my head and focused back on sharpening my blade.

“My apologies gentle Periodot. What was it you were saying?”

“I was simply stating that if you sharpen your sword anymore, there won’t be any blade left to fight with.”

I froze in the middle of a long stroke and frowned down at the steel. I had been working the blade for longer than I would have for an entire day of sparring with my brother. With a sigh I moved for a fresh piece of cloth and began finishing up the process.

“It’s a meditative chore, and-”

“Easy to get lost in. And a bad habit you picked up from the Sapphire Knight. I know. I used to have to remind him the same as you.”

I felt my cheeks flush and looked up at Peridot. His skin was so dark and stiff from his time in the sun, and the lines of age were so deep that he couldn’t smile without his entire face shifting.

“Determination and the refusal to give up even when others say you should while still maintaining humility aren’t qualities many hold, even knights. He would be proud of you, so don’t falter now.”

A smile quirked my lips despite myself as I asked, “Who would be proud of me? My brother, my father, or my king?”

Peridot’s smile grew and he answered quite simply, “Yes.”

I mulled over that single word as I finished cleaning my sword. It struck me that my brother’s pride would mean significantly more to me than either my father’s or my king’s. I put away my belongings and slipped my sword back home into its scabbard as I struggled through my thoughts. I knew I should feel wrong, dirty even to put my brother’s approval higher than His Majesty’s, yet there was no feeling of disgust. There was no feeling of wrongness. It just simply was what it was, with nothing more to it. It puzzled me, yet Peridot was right. I needed to regain my focus.

“Tell me, Squire, did you go with my brother into the valley?”

Peridot was making notes on a different map, though long-held regret weighed heavy on his shoulders. “No. I wanted to, for what better way to record the events that transpire than to witness them? He ordered me to stay though. We had already heard stories of the sorceress in a number of villages, never mind the knights who had returned in failure. Your brother believed it too dangerous for me to join him. He told me that if he hadn’t returned for a night and a day, to ride home and see to your well-being. I waited, and when a full night and full day had passed, I dared to venture into the valley.”

I leaned forward and drew in a deep breath to force my heart back down from my throat. Peridot had never indulged this much of the story before. I had never pushed, worried that it would hold details of the state of my brother that I wasn’t prepared for. “What did you find?” I prompted, anxious over the answer but needing as much detail for tomorrow as possible.

“Not much. There was no trace of your brother. No trail to follow. Only the robed figure remained. I demanded to know of the fate of the Sapphire Knight, but a sickeningly sweet laughter echoed from the hood. Eyes brighter than the brightest gold flashed like flame, and the forest of vines that surrounded the figure began to slither toward me.”

He shook his head, his face forlorn. “I’m no fighter, Sir Emerald. I wish I was- I wanted to run the figure threw with a sword right then and there. But I’m no fighter, and I still had a promise to keep. So I ran. I didn’t stop running until I was well out of the valley and back to the horses.”

“Then how do you know of the Onyx Knight?”

“From the Bronze Knight. Queen Tora sent him to the valley in a show of gratitude for rescuing her daughter. Her knight returned alive, but positively terrified. He spoke of a knight who’s skill were unlike anything he had ever seen. This knight was cloaked in an armor so dark it absorbed all light. He was backed by a sorceress who conjured such horrors as have only been seen in nightmares. The Bronze Knight became frightened of his own shadow, and Queen Tora was forced to retire her most loyal of captains.”

He fell silent for several moments before adding, “After all I have heard, I believe that you have what it takes to defeat them. Your skills were only ever matched by your brother, and you were trained to see through illusions and deception. I believe you alone will be able to uncover the truth for what it really is and finally free your brother, once and for all.”

Not for the first time his word choice unnerved me somehow. I tried to think back to the last time he made me feel that way, yet Peridot gently pulled me away from my thoughts once more with a voice that barely clung to the cool autumn breeze.

“Do you know the story of the house colors?”

I looked at him in surprise, a frown forming on my lips.

“Yes, of course. The Green is for the color of the mesa, while the blue is for the open sky. It’s why we have the Knights of Green Stone and the Knights of Blue Stone, is it not?”

Peridot shook his head as his smile returned, somehow gentler this time. He gazed into the fire, the flames reflecting brightly within his eyes.

"You’re only partly correct, dear knight. Green is also a symbol of growth and new beginnings. When the King’s ancestors founded the mesa, it was hoped that the peace and freedom they longed for would grow and spread through the lands. Not twisted and dirty like the kings of old had become, but clean and pure. The clearest green stone they knew of was the Emerald Shield, and so you have the highest rank of the Green Stone Knights.

“Blue is a symbol for peace and calm. The Sapphire Heart was the purest stone known to them, and so the captain of the Blue Stone Knights will always be Sapphire. The king’s ancestors learned the hard way that there is no point in fighting for freedom if it just leads to more war. There is no true freedom if your people must constantly struggle and die to hold onto it. However, to peacefully surrender your people’s freedom is just as despicable. The two must go hand-in-hand.”

“ ‘I swear from this day forth to always remember:
No drop of blood shall be spilled
Upon the emerald field
It is only through peace
Freedom will be fulfilled.’

“Such a short and simple oath, is it not? And yet it is considered one of the most difficult to carry out. Have you ever wondered why you’re brother didn’t follow your father’s lead in taking the ranks of the Green Stone, as you had? Though the Emerald Shield is a symbol of protecting the growing freedoms that so many had sacrificed their lives for so it may continue to grow, the Sapphire Heart- the peace it symbolizes- must be sustained. He believed in everything the Sapphire Heart stood for, and trained his mind, body, and soul to be worthy of taking up the name of the Sapphire Knight.”

The squire stopped and stirred the fires with a thin branch as I reflected on his words. After several moments, I finally asked, “Why tell me this now?”

Peridot smiled warmly and tossed the branch in. “Because I want you to keep this in mind when you go into the valley tomorrow. Remember everything your brother is, and everything he has always fought for.”

My brows furrowed, but I gave a small nod. I still didn’t understand what this had to do with the dangers I was going to be facing tomorrow, but it seemed to mean a lot to Peridot. He nodded in turn and tossed me my bedroll. “Now sleep, dear knight. You will need all your energy tomorrow.”

~~~~~*~

We rose with the sun and packed quickly, only the sound of our horses and the early morning wren keeping us company. Peridot aided me with my armor, insisting that I ride prepared for full battle in case trouble met us outside of the valley. I saw the wisdom in his counsel, yet uneasiness settled hard in my stomach at the thought of fighting on horseback. I wasn’t untrained in it, but I certainly did my best work on the ground.

It took half the day for us to reach the foot of the hills that bordered our destination, and the second half to wind our way through. As the sun began to kiss the horizon, we found ourselves over-looking the valley where my brother had last been seen. Goosebumps prickled my skin at the sight beneath us.

Several meters away, a lone robed figure stood amongst a circle of black flame, green vines draped around her as a trellis that constantly moved in an unfelt wind. Brilliant golden eyes reflected from the shadows of a deep hood, soaking in the last rays of daylight. The posture of the figure was perfectly straight, and limbless tendrils moved and danced behind it. I dismounted from my horse and handed the reins to Peridot before I took a few steps forward. Was this thing made of giant fur-covered serpents, or was that just another tale, another illusion that would be easy to banish as soon as my sword cleaved it? The deceiving dance of light and shadow caused by the cursed flames made it impossible to tell from this distance, yet there was on thing I knew for certain: this was the sorceress who had taken my brother.

I lifted my bow from my horse and notched an arrow with dyed emerald green fletching. It was then that I realized even from this distance I could see her eyes turn to me. I shouldn’t be able to from so far, yet there was no doubt that she was staring at me. I could feel the smirk within them. I was nothing to her. She would know soon enough just how painful a ‘nothing’s’ bite could truly be.

I loosed the arrow, the thrum of the bow thunder in my ears. The arrow streaming forward as an emerald lightening bolt-- divine justice sent from the heavens to my hands, from my hands to her wicked heart. It arced toward her faster and faster, yet a sudden black burst of flame formed before it. The bolt bit the flame. There was no sound, no sharp crack or pop of destroyed wood as would be expected. There was nothing, just the faint dancing golden light where the arrow should have been… and laughter. I grabbed up my quiver and fastened it to my waist, leaving my horse with my squire. Could she stop many? There was only one way to find out.

With each step I took, I loosed another arrow, and another and another. I didn’t stop until my quiver was down to the last. Yet no matter how quickly I moved, no matter how soon each arrow followed the last, they all seemed to curve away from the sorceress to bury their heads deep into the ground around her. I notched my last arrow and held the bow taught as I matched my rhythm to that of her breathing and continued forward.

It seemed that the night sky that her body was supposed to be formed from was actually a rich velvet robe. The fabric clung to her torso before draping loosely from her hips and licking the ground at her feet. I felt a smirk tug upon my lips as I saw the truth. She was a fake wrapped in rumors, little more than another illusion to be torn asunder. It was only a matter of time before her other illusions would be shattered.

I waited until I could make out the separate folds of her robes before letting the final arrow fly. It sailed straight and true for her heart… and stopped at arm’s length from its target. It had struck nothing, yet stayed suspended by an unseen force. The sorceress reached a clawed hand out, caressing the shaft tenderly before it disintegrated into nothing.

She thrust both hands out in front of her, white claws gleaming in the flame. The hanging vines nearest me wrapped around my throat and lifted me high into the air. I kicked my feet and dropped my bow, immediately reaching for my sword. More vines wrapped around my arms and legs. I felt my body drawn taut, stretched and wracked. The leather bindings on my armor strained and finally snapped as I struggled to wrench my arms free. I felt the vines strip away the boots from my feet and the gauntlets from my wrists, forcing me to lose my sword. The vines grew tighter still, wrenching my arms to the side with such force I thought my shoulders would give. Just as it reached the point where I felt my arms could take no more, the pressure stopped building. It didn’t lessen, but simply ceased to grow tighter. The vine around my neck released me, leaving me to choke and cough as it wrapped tightly around my legs, forcing them together as my feet barely brushed the ground. The sorceress raised my own blade and pointed it to my throat, threatening to finish the job the vines had started. A sudden shout sounded from behind.

“Stop this!”

The sorceress froze mid-motion, long belled sleeves slipping down slender limbs of tawny fur. The sword fell from her clawed hands as she glanced back at the approaching knight, who was covered in black plated armor that dully reflected the flames. The sorceress tilted her head slightly within the deep hood before she turned back towards who I could only guess was the Onyx Knight. The vines slackened with her distraction, and I saw the opening that I had been waiting for. I ripped out of their loosened grasp and scrambled sideways with a low stoop to take up the fallen sword. A few steps and a quick lunge, and it would all be over.

As soon as my fingers felt the hilt, my feet began to move. My foot found soft earth and my toes dug deep into the ground as I found forward movement. My arm came forward, bringing with it my sword as my second hand braced it so my strike may ring true. My other foot found the ground, momentum built, and the sorceress had moved too slow to realize she was already dead. Her lapse in judgment would beat her, for I was not the fly within her web. I was a hornet she had turned her back on. This would all be over soon.

My arms drew back, ready to plunge my blade deep into her wicked heart. Another step, and a wall of darkest night was there before me. His sword crashed down upon mine and drove it into the soft earth. His shoulder flew up, and a burst of pain flared through my entire face as I stumbled back, struggling to keep the ground beneath my feet. Before I could regain my legs, another burst of pain flared through my hand, and my sword went flying as I took another stumble back. Giving no time for me to orient myself, the knight continued onward. The blade which had disarmed me came back around, this time for the killing strike. My neck would split, but I was too quick. I leaned back… and felt the ground crash up against my back too soon. Air rushed from my lungs as a powerful weight drove into my gut. I felt the sharpness against the side of my neck from the tip of his blade.

“Yield.”

My heart sank to the ground beneath me as I stared up at the Onyx Knight. The painful truth rang through me. I had failed my king, my people, and most painfully, my brother. The words stuck to the back of my throat as I weighed death against a second chance to face him again another day. What choice did I truly have? I forced them out as they soured my tongue.

“I yield.”

I didn’t bother hiding the hatred that filled my heart to echo through my eyes, silently challenging him to show what kind of a man he really was and harm me. If he did… oh how a part of me hoped he would, so I would have every reason to tear into him and maybe, just maybe be given an honorable death. Instead, he removed the heavy boot that kept me pinned and took a few steps back. For now, for today, my last hope of redemption was stripped away. Even this monster seemed to have a sense of honor.

He removed a single gauntlet and reached up to remove his helm. In all my wildest dreams and worst nightmares, I never could have imagined the face I would see. Eyes as green as the deepest forests looked down at me as my brother offered me his hand. My mind threatened to shut down as I stared up at him, unable or unwilling to believe what I saw.

My brother sighed and looked to the sorceress, who looked from him to me. There was something in her eyes, a softening of expression that mingled with curiosity and an emotion I had never expected to see. I sucked in a deep breath and took my brother’s hand. He pulled me up with an easy strength, but I didn’t let go as I asked the one word that was so simple, and yet so very important.

“Why?”

He paused for a moment, his mouth moving but no words coming. He seemed perplexed, frustrated even as the words eluded him. Then finally he smiled and shrugged, and with a laugh said, “I’m in love.”

My breath caught in my throat, and I slowly shook my head in disbelief.

“But… but she’s a sorceress! How do you know she hasn’t enchanted you or placed you under her spell?”

Disappointment pulled down on his features, and suddenly I felt like a child again caught coloring in Peridot’s tomb by my older brother.

“Did I not teach you better than this? Marissa and I have been together for years, but our king would sooner have her head than allow us to ever be together. I don’t expect you to understand, I just expect you to observe, to listen, and tell me, am I lying?”

I shook my head as tears burned my eyes and threatened to spill despite my greatest efforts. Fire filled the sudden void in my chest before pouring through my veins and into my limbs. I hated myself for the words that pushed against my lips, yet I couldn’t keep them from spilling out.

“So you abandoned your duties, your king… me?”

My brother stepped back, his entire body jerking as if he had been slapped.

“Abandoned? I gave you everything. All of the lands from father, the title that was meant to be mine, will be yours.”

“But they’re not you. You’re my family. I would give every last treasure, every last coin-”

I caught myself then, my cheeks burning as my honor caught up with my emotions. I finally took the advice my brother had struggled to instill within me for so many years and looked between him and the sorceress. She was smiling at me. It was such a childlike smile, as if all this had been nothing more than a big game to her. She then looked to my brother, and the warmth in his smile was enough to melt the most frigid of hearts. My eyes returned to the sorceress. I hated her more in that moment than ever before because I knew now that I didn’t have a choice. I knew what honor dictated I should do.

“I’m going to need proof if I’m to tell the king of your death.”

Pride flooded my brother’s eyes as his lips tugged upward at the corners. He slipped off his signet ring and handed it to me. “This should be proof enough.”

I nodded and slipped it onto my thumb before adding, “I’m also going to need proof of the Onyx Knight’s death, and something of the beast so others won’t be sent to hunt it.”

The sorceress jerked at the wretched word, but my brother smiled warmly to his love.

“The black blade should be plenty for the Onyx Knight. Love, what would be solid enough proof?”

Before I could answer, the sorceress… Marissa, cleared her throat as she placed a hand lightly on my brother’s forearm. One long fox-like tail flicked forward, and then another, and another. My brother’s eyes widened as he sucked in a breath.

“No! My love, that’s asking for too much! Certainly there must be something else!”

Marissa’s soft smile didn’t quite reach her eyes as she shook her head slowly. Her voice had a growling edge to it, yet there was such a tenderness to the undertone, such love that echoed through. “My love, my life, did you not hear my words when we first ran off? You are my Mate. Any sacrifice, so that we might have a chance to live in peace, is more than worth it.” My brother was shaking his head again, but Marissa’s mind was already made up. She turned those brilliant gold eyes to me and asked in the same gentle voice, “Brave knight, would you please? So you can honestly tell the king that you were the one to take the tails from my body?”

I stared at her for a moment, then nodded and retrieved my sword. “Three should be enough.”

~~~~~*~

My heart was heavy as I walked into the throne room. The king looked down at me and said in a calm voice, “Where is the Sapphire Knight?” I did not have to fake the pain in my voice nor the sorrow in my eyes as I produced the ring, bright orbs of sapphire reflecting the minimal light.

“The beast finished him before I arrived.”

“And what of the beast? And the Onyx Knight?”

I threw the black sword and satchel to the king’s feet. “They paid with their lives, Your Majesty.”

The king stared at the items strewn on the floor, and with a choked voice replied, “Then you’re dismissed. Leave me.”

My back stiffened at the dismissal.

“My king.”

I respectfully backed away a few steps before turning to the door, my footsteps echoing along the stones. I knew the road ahead of me was going to be a long and painful one. My thoughts were on my brother and the sorceress though, and the hope of one day finding such depth in love for myself. Until then, I had a squire to reclaim, lands to protect… and a king to serve.

~~~~~*~

I think the beginning would be improved if all that description did something. So, instead of describing the steed and the flames, have your steed buck and snort at the sight of the strangely-coloured flames, so its silver flanks heave. Tell me why it’s significant that the arrows look the way they do - vanity? A gift from the knight’s dad? A lot of scene-setting and heavy detail of clothes, eye colour and so on tends to make me think of a RP rather than a story. But the detail in the fight with the sorceress, because it’s advancing the action, is really interesting.

I mean this from the bottom of my heart, in the most sincere of ways, thank you. I struggled more than I care to admit with the beginning and have been staring at it for over a week now, trying to figure out how to fix it or if I needed to demolish the beginning and start from scratch. Sometimes it’s so easy to get lost in the scenes in your own mind that you forget you need to give reason to the rhyme. So thank you for giving me a way to salvage it (not to mention how using that method will help with wordcount X3). I’ll also try to weed out the unnecessary details, which should also help. Thanks again Husky, very much <3

My pleasure, and I hope it works out for you - looking forward to the final version :slight_smile:

Not to disagree with Huskyteer’s (excellent) advice, but I personally really liked the sensory descriptors on everything. Maybe it was just the pool of stories I was churning through, but yours was one out of only 4 or 5 that really gave me a scene to work with mentally. Too many pieces were either in undescribed generic furry-fantasy land, or worse, in painstakingly technical and thoroughly explained generic furry-fantasy land. I want to ask to keep the sensory details.

I personally found the opening paragraph to be nice and descriptive, but I don’t disagree with Huskyteer. The first paragraph does very little to really add to the story. It’s very little more than scene setting. But it is nicely done, I do like it.

I also feel like the ending, where you transition to the scene with the knight and the king, could be cut as well. It really doesn’t add much since we already know the knight’s feelings on the situation, and we have no real attachment to the king so his reaction does little. I felt ending the story on “three should do” was a lot stronger than continuing in an entirely different scene.

the action with the sorceress is, as already stated, very fluid, very easy to read and quite fun. There was a point where you accidentally switched perspectives half way through a sentence which really threw me for a loop. “The sorceress glanced between me and the prince, and the knight looked between the prince and the sorceress.” but that can be caught with editing.

I also got confused as to the gender of the main character about the point where the prince was mentioning the knight was betrothed. If this was done intentionally, in order to let the reader imagine whichever gender they wanted in the piece then I think it’s done well. If you had a particular gender you wanted the knight to be, however, I would suggest adding a couple more defining details.

Overall I enjoyed the story, it was quickly paced and read very easily.

Thank you all three for your feedback. It seems there’s a bit of a disagreement as to the descriptive nature of the beginning. Once I clean it up, I’ll give it to a few more beta readers for a bit more feedback before I decide what to do. I might even go as far as to make two different beginnings and hand one to different beta readers to see how their feedback differs. Could be an interesting experiment X3

Again I apologize for how much cleaning there’s still to be done. I probably should have done it before I posted it, but I wanted to get initial reactions to it so I could make other changes along the way if need be.

Shirou, I’ll be honest, a part of me doesn’t want to turn this into an adult story if only to keep the gender ambiguous X3 One of my favorite stories that I wrote left gender to the eye of the reader, and since it was for a writing class, it was incredibly entertaining for me to hear how others intepreted it. Because of this, I might write something completely different for the adult anthology afterall.

Now I’m curious how the story would flow without the ending. I’m rather proud of it, but often times it’s because of pride that we’re blind to that which needs to be amputated, so to speak. I’ll toy with that.

All-in-all, I’m really glad that the story is enjoyable. I hope it will be a solid addition to the RF anthology.

Oh, I didn’t mean to suggest you should make it an adult story! As you say, it works very well as it is. I meant if you wanted to make the gender clearer, you should use specific gender pronouns. But since you want to keep the gender ambiguous, it’s a moot point.

X3 As I said in the opening post, I was thinking of, well, extending the vine scene so it could go into the adult antho. If the adult antho doesn’t get enough entries this year, Bliz and Sterling won’t try it again anymore. However, it’s hard for me to want to change it to that when I have so much fun keeping the gender ambiguous.

I found this piece difficult going. Many of the passages and sentences felt unnecessarily florid, even beyond the usual allowances for gallant, romantic knights-and-sorcerer fantasy.

I definitely found that the interaction between the knight, prince, and sorceress verbally was far too short. If the central conflict of the story is the knight agreeing to do the moral thing at the cost of their own happiness, it shouldn’t come lightly or easily. It was definitely aggravating to find that more words were spent describing the setting than the conflict!

My recommendation is to feed the fat of the beginning to flesh out the middle, instead. Explore how to breathe more into the plot; right now it boils down to “A knight is sent to recover their betrothed prince from a sorceress, and so the knight attacks, and so discovers his attacks are futile, and so discovers the prince is in love with the sorceress since childhood, and so agrees to protect their secret, and so gallantly sacrifices their own happiness for that of others in love.”

As a plot, that’s fine, but I the story’s balance of wordcount is far too heavy in the beginning, and far too lean in the conflict.

I confess I found myself in a very difficult position as far as time went. I had hoped to make the story longer in the middle for the conflict, but was literally writing down to the writer. I’m sorry it was so heavily reflected within the story.

I’m curious though- mainly because there have been a couple of others who seemed to really enjoy all the descriptions- will you give me a line or so that you found unnecessarily florid? I feel if I were given at least one example, I can be made far more aware of it for the entirety of the piece.

Thank you very much for taking the time to review my story. I truly do appreciate it.

Sure. Easier if I do it in this format here, and really break it down for what worked for me and what didn’t, a bit of line-by-line breakdown. Those parts marked with underline are those parts I found issue with, or just unnecessary.


I sat atop a silver steed, surveying the forest of thorns and brambles in the valley below. Sickening yellow and brown flames of unnatural origins reflected dully off of worn and dinted armor that had seen its fare share of laborious trials. It had been a long and difficult journey, over mountains and deserts, through lands that didn’t exist on any map. My muscles ached and my head throbbed, but I forced myself to focus on the task at hand. For as far as I have travelled, there was still much to be done.

(So right off the bat here, in this opening paragraph, I can cut a lot of words out without losing any of the meaning of the writing. There’s a lot of unnecessary adjectives here. It can be argued that a few cases, such as ‘silver steed’, might be appropriate for the particular genre expectations, but since the story really doesn’t do much with the horse after that, why waste words describing it?)

A lone robed figure stood amongst the three meter tall vines about sixty meters away. Brilliant blue eyes reflected from the shadows of a deep hood, soaking in the light of those wretched fires that blanketed the trees behind it. The posture of the figure was perfectly straight, and limbless tendrils moved and danced behind it. I dismounted from my stallion and took a few steps forward, squinting in the hopes of getting a better idea if the stories were true. Was this thing made of giant fur-covered serpents, or was that just another tale, another illusion that would be easy to banish as soon as my sword cleaved it? The deceiving dance of light and shadow caused by the cursed flames made it impossible to tell from this distance. I didn’t have much in the way of choice. There was no doubt in my mind that this was the sorceress who had captured the king’s child.

(Some of these redactions would be questionable, or require nudging and adjustment of some words along the way, but you can see right away that you can afford to cut 25-40% of the wordcount so far and at no cost of clarity. In fact, you’d be improving the clarity in most of the cases in doing so.)

I lifted my bow from my horse and notched an arrow with dyed emerald green fletching. It was then that I realized even from this distance I could see her eyes turn to me. I shouldn’t be able to from so far, yet I saw the twin sapphires staring at me. I could feel the smirk within them. I was nothing to her. She would know soon enough just how painful a ‘nothing’s’ bite can truly be.

(More of the same, I think at this point we get the larger picture?) :slight_smile:

So here’s what these edits would look like, on their own. It’ll make for lean, mean, stripped content, that will admittedly be very plain, but will read easily and well:


I sat atop my steed, surveying the forest in the valley below. Yellow and brown flames of unnatural origins reflected off of armor that had seen its fare share of trials. It had been a long and difficult journey for me, over mountains and deserts, through lands that didn’t exist on any map. My muscles ached and my head throbbed, but I forced myself to focus on the task at hand.

A lone figure stood amongst vines sixty meters away. Brilliant blue eyes reflected from the shadows of a deep black hood, soaking in the light of those wretched fires that blanketed the trees behind it. The posture of the figure was unnaturally straight, and limbless tendrils danced behind it. I dismounted from my steed and took a few steps forward, squinting. Was this thing made of giant fur-covered serpents, or was it another illusion, like all the rest before it that had plagued me? One that would vanish as soon as my sword cleaved it? The flickering light of the flames in the treetops made it impossible to tell yet. I didn’t have a choice. This was the sorceress who had captured the king’s child.

I drew my bow and notched an arrow. I could see her eyes turn to me as I put fletching to my ear. I could feel the smirk within them. I was nothing to her. She would know soon enough just how painful a ‘nothing’s’ bite can be.

You totally rock my socks! Seriously, I want to have my story up in another window while combing through the examples you gave. Thank you so much for being so clear and concise. It’s very appreciated.

Hey guys, sorry to necro this thread but it’s essentially for the same story- just, er, expanded and rewritten >.>

Anyway, new version is in the first post along with what I’m looking for. Thanks for any help!

Overall I like the story.

I few nitpicks:

I never could get a clear picture in my head of what the sorceress looked like despite the flowery descriptions (or maybe because of them)?

The scene at the end with the King is unnecessary. “Three should be enough.” is the perfect ending line. It shows his continued committal to the King and his country.