Novella excerpt: "World War S"

[MikeT]

A couple of years ago, during an oceanographic cruise, I wrote a novella (ca. 20 pages long), on the life of an anthropomorphic sugar glider with weight issues in a pre-WWII London. It was… well, I found it interesting, but I think it never really managed to take off, so to say. Now that I have finished some other works, I’d like to start working on it again, expanding it and generally making it better.
This is an excerpt of the story, the first chapter: https://app.box.com/s/doiicqo4u676x5dnr8morft9kma233ij Some people that managed to read it found it quite difficult to relate with the main character. What do you think about it? I’d like to have your opinions on that matter!

-MikeT

[Rabbit]

Being a WWII history nut, I find this an interesting premise. May I suggest that you take a close look at your word-choices, however?

For example… You used the word “door” seven times in the first three paragraphs. Most writers would tend to try and avoid that, particularly in the crucial opening paragraphs of a story. Varying your language choices sort of forces an author to use varied sentence-structures that make for a pleasing cadence, while if you use the same terms over and over the tempo tends to be monotonous as well. Only very short “utility” items like “be” and “and” and “is” can be used many times in close proximity without harm.

I’d go back and fix that first, throughout the entire work. Rephrase, reword and rewrite to avoid repeated terms. I think that it’ll do it more good than you realize. It’s an old writer’s trick that’s been used for at least decades to help people improve their prose, and perhaps centuries. Not something I just made up on my own.

[MikeT]

Being a WWII history nut, I find this an interesting premise. May I suggest that you take a close look at your word-choices, however?

For example… You used the word “door” seven times in the first three paragraphs. Most writers would tend to try and avoid that, particularly in the crucial opening paragraphs of a story. Varying your language choices sort of forces an author to use varied sentence-structures that make for a pleasing cadence, while if you use the same terms over and over the tempo tends to be monotonous as well. Only very short “utility” items like “be” and “and” and “is” can be used many times in close proximity without harm.

I’d go back and fix that first, throughout the entire work. Rephrase, reword and rewrite to avoid repeated terms. I think that it’ll do it more good than you realize. It’s an old writer’s trick that’s been used for at least decades to help people improve their prose, and perhaps centuries. Not something I just made up on my own.

Thanks for the suggestion. More than rewording, I’m quite completely rebuilding it from scratch. Word choice can be quite tough if English is not your mother tongue, you see. (yay for poor excuses for a poor writing!) But I’ll do my best next time. Thanks again!
By the way, what do you think of the main character, so far? Someone told me that she was too much a victim to be able to relate to her.

-MikeT

[Rabbit]

To be quite honest with you, I read only about the first seven paragraphs. At that point it was clear that what I was going to comment on was word-choice no matter how far I read, and that in dong so I could make what I believed would be a positive contribution to your writing. Since I generally only make one suggestion at a time if it’s a major one, I could see no point in reading further. If I had, I probably would’ve come up with many more suggestions, yes. But I might’ve broken your confidence as well, and that’s something I’d rather not do. Progress best comes one step at a time.

I congratulated you on attempting to write fiction in English on your “introduction” page, and my words there stand. I respect the heck out anyone who can write effectively in a second language, and a Romanian friend who has a gift for it has my unbridled admiration. But… Know going in that it’s hard, and no one can make it easy for you. If I could, I would.

[MikeT]

To be quite honest with you, I read only about the first seven paragraphs. At that point it was clear that what I was going to comment on was word-choice no matter how far I read, and that in dong so I could make what I believed would be a positive contribution to your writing. Since I generally only make one suggestion at a time if it’s a major one, I could see no point in reading further. If I had, I probably would’ve come up with many more suggestions, yes. But I might’ve broken your confidence as well, and that’s something I’d rather not do. Progress best comes one step at a time.

I congratulated you on attempting to write fiction in English on your “introduction” page, and my words there stand. I respect the heck out anyone who can write effectively in a second language, and a Romanian friend who has a gift for it has my unbridled admiration. But… Know going in that it’s hard, and no one can make it easy for you. If I could, I would.

And I greatly appreciate both your honesty and your suggestions! Don’t be afraid of breaking my confidence: good critiques can only make me happy, because each suggestion will surely help me improving my skills. I was just asking because I was curious, but if you think that wording is a much more serious issue I will work on that, first.

-MikeT

[Munchkin]

English thesaurus is my best friend. Even with English as a primary language, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve cracked one open or Googled one to find different words for the same thing. It can be an absolute life saver, and help get you in the habit of thinking a little more outside the box.

[MikeT]

English thesaurus is my best friend. Even with English as a primary language, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve cracked one open or Googled one to find different words for the same thing. It can be an absolute life saver, and help get you in the habit of thinking a little more outside the box.

I’ll find a good one and stick to that, then. Thank you!

-MikeT