Furry Writers' Guild Forum

Novel Opening Scene: "Thousand Tales" (about 300w)

Critique
#1

Note: I think the scene is ready, so no need to critique further unless you really want to.

I’ve revised this a lot, but I’m now having second thoughts about it. Am I tripping on my face by starting a novel like this? I’m kind of looking for a go/no-go verdict before sending it with query letters.
[hr]
2036: The Early Adopters

Paul scooped macaroni for a line of men with bibs and downcast eyes. He tried to keep his smile, and held onto his daydream of building castles and armor.
A huge, rancid man staggered in and gave Paul a bloodshot glare. "Another meal," he growled.
Paul recoiled from the stench. He'd rather have been fixing machinery back at the Community with his fellow high-school grads. "Can I help you?"
The man slapped his burly hands on the counter. "I'm sick of this. Your future's here too, kid. Every year the same."
Steam drifted along Paul's face, yet he shivered. "There are counselors here, mister. Why don't you eat, then --"
"Sick of it!" the man roared. He drew a gun from his jacket and stomped toward the crowded tables.
"Oh, hell!" Paul grabbed a skillet and vaulted the counter. He slammed the pan into the back of the madman's head. The shooter spun, firing wildly, shrieking over the boom of thunder. Pain lanced through Paul's arm but he tackled the man. The pistol's dark eye faced Paul. He rolled and it roared again.
Paul punched him, knocked the gun out of his hands, then pulled himself up. The creep was still moving! Paul grabbed the pan and smacked it against the side of the shooter's face with a sickening crunch. The man moaned, covering his head. Paul snarled and raised his weapon, then forced himself to halt. The villain lay beaten at his feet.
Dozens of the shelter's poor stared at him with wide eyes, then applauded like scattered rain.
#
Paul was still basking in satisfaction when Helena called him into her office that afternoon. "Baron" Helena, coordinator of this Green Communities Youth Initiative work camp, filled a tall chair behind a desk of video screens and bonsai. "I don't understand your story," she said, with a smile sweet enough to punch. "Why did you lash out at a man who was already down?"
The room suddenly felt cold. "What?"

[hr]

Besides the sudden action from a bad guy who has no further role in the story (besides Paul being in trouble for stopping him), I question these points:
-“burly hands”: In one version he has a mechanical prosthetic arm. Worth mentioning somehow as a “this is a near-future setting” detail, or is it distracting since it doesn’t affect anything?
-“Can I help you?” in response to “Another meal”: Reasonable response since the man is apparently demanding a meal? At least I no longer have my hero’s very first line be, “Today we have eggplant casserole.” Trying saying that aloud in a dramatic voice. :slight_smile:
-“recoiled from the stench. He’d rather have been…”: Most of us would rather do almost anything than “recoil from stench”.
The point of the scene is to (1) have some action, (2) present a reasonably likeable and interesting main character, and (3) set him up to be harassed by the bureaucrat Helena in scene two. I can’t do significant character development in scene one without making Paul look completely spaced out (I tried) so I’m leaning more toward “generic overzealous good guy” and then trying to give more detail in the next scenes.

#2

I think you mostly started at a good action-filled place, one that also evokes a lot of senses-- I practically smelled the mac and cheese and felt my scoop going through the glop. But I’d suggest trying to be a bit more… Explicatory? Explanational?

Paul’s job was scooping macaroni and cheese. His customers wore bibs, downcast eyes, and sometimes airs of anger and desperation. The young man handing out the food at least still had dreams, in his case of castles and suits of armor. The men he fed, however, were very much rooted in the here and now. They couldn’t afford dreams anymore. Just nightmares.

“More!” demanded a huge, rancid-smelling man-- he’d not showered for a week, perhaps longer.

This, I think, is a clearer setup. I’m not continuing further, because I’m not certain what “Your future’s here too, kid” means. If he’s saying that “All your life’s ever going to be is a a bread line just like mine,” I’d out and out say so. As things stand, to infer that much-- and I still may not have it right-- I had to go over the paragraph five times.

Also, I’ve never heard anyone say “Another meal!” like that before. It’s just not a common phrasing. So, I’d definitely restate that.

FYI, I’ve also never seen anyone in a bread line wearing a bib. That’s part of why I’m still not certain of the setting.

Hope this helped!

#3

Thank you. Looks like I’m right to be unsatisfied with it; will try it again.

#4

Several drafts later I’ve got a slightly longer version I like better:

Paul Kostakis had convinced the shelter’s owners to tear down a wall, so that patrons could see from the musty cafeteria out to the desert city. He scooped globs of macaroni for a line of homeless people who wouldn’t meet his eyes or look toward the sunny patio.

“They know we’re stuck here,” said the weatherbeaten man serving beans next to him. He shouldn’t have been working today, what with the liquor on his breath, but he’d muttered about parole conditions. “Serving this garbage.”

Paul snapped out of a daydream of building castles and armor. “It’s not so bad.” He tried to give the customers an encouraging smile with their food.

“Not the food, the people.” The server went around the counter to shout at the people in line. “There’s nothing better ahead! Somebody else’s food and somebody else’s cot are all you’ll ever get.”

Paul tried to get back to work feeding people so they’d quit cursing at his co-worker. For Paul there was college ahead after another year of service.

“For you too!” said the angry man, looking right at Paul. Though there was steaming food between them, Paul shivered. It wasn’t true.

The man said, “There’s only one way out. One way.” He started toward the crowded tables, and pulled a gun from his pocket.

(Paul fights him same as before.)

#5

I like this a lot better - it’s tighter, and the other guy gets a proper introduction instead of lurching in out of nowhere to cause conflict.

#6

I’d make a minor change…

For

He tried to give the customers an encouraging…

I’d say

He always made an effort to offer his costumers an encouraging…

That’s it! Otherwise very nice.

#7

I’m continuing to make minor changes (notice I used “people” three times in quick succession), and another friend suggested having people run away, which leaves me with a final line that ties in well with the theme:

Everyone else who could have fought had fled, leaving Paul in a room of silence and empty chairs.

Looks like I’ve almost got it. Thanks.

#8

I like how the story unwind itself. I didn’t smell the mac and cheese, as much as I felt our main character, Pauls, frustration and furiousity, when then gunman came into… wherever this place is :slight_smile:
The story has that crucial immersive effect on me, that makes me want to read on, so that part works! Bits of information is obviously missing, since the story is only begun. So things like, where are we? how old is Poul? has he been working here long? how long? I suppose all those bits of information will be revealed as the story progresses. So why did I state those… maybe because I am a bad rat :stuck_out_tongue: - please don’t forget to somehow include them :slight_smile:

#9

Thanks for commenting and for the vote of confidence! I think I’ve got those things pretty well established between the scene’s final draft (not posted here) and the scene after it.

#10

I really liked the first few sentences. They really set the scene and made Paul very engaging. Then I think it picked up too much speed. I think that if could be established a little earlier that Paul works at a kind of shelter (at least that’s how it appears to me) because at first I thought it was a kind of prison. Further, I think it a little more provocation on the part of the attacker could make the scene more thrilling. On that note, a little more description on Paul’s body type might be more helpful in showing that the could realistically take down that burly man. Also, I don’t like how you referred to the attacker as “villain” I think that’s a little too hollow.

All in all though, I can only talk from not knowing any other context of the story so forgive me if any of the points I address are covered in preceding or later writing. I certainly am interested and am curious where this project is going.

Best!