dear beta reader, i have here a chapter for my upcoming novel, the first part is done and its under editing and so is the chapter im showing to you, i need a critic review on this and what you think about it.
a furry story based on feudal japan, i cant put more info so it will spoil the story, the file i attached is in PDF form, enjoy.
Chapter 5 (Second Edit).pdf (111 KB)
I’ll look at this tomorrow. But it’s going to be odd reading a story from the middle with no lead up.
thanks, surely it’s going to be odd since it’s in a middle of story, the main thing is I just need to know the writing and the style of story telling are good enough or not.
Sorry, I got pulled around so I’ll have to review this tomorrow ><. I had an unexpected busy day.
There is a lot of formatting errors with spaces. Another extra quote in a line of dialogue. Also there is a couple of spots that need a few more words in it.
The flow and pace is decent enough. But the dialogue tags are all “telling” rather than showing. He explains or other similar tags are very telling.
The story is a mix of good points and points that need work. Kyba isn’t being very stealthy at all. He tells everyone to be quiet but talks the whole time? That is not ninja like at all. Its about not making sound. Being Swift and acting quickly.
The story does need a polish run through to fix a lot of little errors.
sorry for the late reply, surely the dialogue are more in telling than showing since im poorly at narrative and my editore advice to re-write it more narrative and showing the surrounding, that is a bit challenging for me so that took me awhile to do it
good point about Kyba when you said he’s not more stealthy in his rescue mission, for this kind of situation is un-planned action so he needs to act fast and hope for the best nothing goes wrong, in the story if you notice Kyba didn’t want to engage or attempt to help them for the sake of his main mission but to do a good deed, send a letter to the emperor as a personal request since the village is dear to him, sure what i wrote is unorthodox about ninja but my style is what kind of decisions if things happen when your hands are tied up on other important matters and what kind of action when things go wrong, in this chapter you saw Kyba what he did, other chapters what will saizo and his brother will do when things happen.
the chapters are in their second phase of editing and two more phases will go through it, hopefully, in future you will see it more polished and more enjoyable, thank you for your review and next time ill do what i can to make it better, my apologies for dropping this chapter since no one know’s what happen and what will happen next.
Are you a native English speaker? Your replies here leave me with an impression that English may not be a primary language? I’m not trying to be rude or anything, just curious.
no, unfortunately my native tongue is not English, if so by now I would write tons of books, that’s why I need help to co-write with other but thanks for asking.
What is your primary language? I’m fairly 100% English only so… I may not be much help.
that would be Arabic, I do have a list if stories to write it down, guess what’s one of them, (hint) it include thousand night…
I do not know Arabic at all. So I do not understand direct translations ><.
will you found one, any help I’ll be glad to assistant.