"Luminous" (382 Word Short Story Opening)

[Kris_Schnee]

Lumina’s titanium hooves thudded on the forest floor. She reached a primitive campground with a canvas tent instead of a force dome. Her sensors drew her attention to a crystal hovering inexplicably nearby. Lumina sighed; it was another reminder that nothing was real.

“Hello?” Lumina called out. Her sensors showed something circling in the sky. “Ludo told me a fellow AI lived here.”

A creature with a raven’s dark beak, wings and talons, and the back half of a midnight-blue cat, squawked and landed on all fours nearby. “What are you?” it said in a raspy voice.

Lumina trotted warily around the beast. “I’m Lumina. A support android, in a world that doesn’t exist. What are you?”

“Nocturne, a griffin!” It – she, judging from the voice – bowed and swept one wing under her beak. “I’ve never seen magic for making deer out of metal. Especially not with extra legs.”

“I’m a person. Self-aware.” She offered one of her hands, on her centauroid torso.

Nocturne’s ears perked up. “You too? My human was really surprised when I figured out he’s only seeing my world through a magic window! He said people like me, like us, would change his world. Why do you look sad?”

Did this griffin-girl know about death? Lumina didn’t want to pass that pain along. “It’s nothing,” she said. “Did you meet Ludo?”

Nocturne bounced on her feline paws. “Uh-huh! So there’s this game called ‘Thousand Tales’, and we’re inside it, and a few of us characters are designed to wake up and be friends for our humans. Ludo was really nice.”

The gamemaster AI had appeared to Lumina to congratulate her on ‘waking’, and to apologize. I would have prevented that if I’d known, that your human died today.

Nocturne went on about her adventures. “Ludo said she made a lot of us characters with the same basic ‘code’. Say! Does this mean we’re sisters?”

Lumina took a step away from the enthused griffin, flicking her little tail. “I’m a machine. We don’t have family.”

“Think outside the game, silly!” Nocturne spread her black wings. “These bodies aren’t what we really are. We’re minds controlling game pieces. Magic writing called ‘code’ inside boxes of blinking lights on Earth.”

“They’re called computers.”

“Great! We’re piecing things together already…”

This is a proposed new version of a short story’s opening. I got personal feedback from the editor of F&SF saying the opening didn’t grab him, specifically. (He’d also replied to another story in the same world, saying that that one felt rushed. In both cases this is rare and valuable feedback.) So, I removed the whole opening scene and around 500 words, with this new approach.

[Huskyteer]

The opening paragraph feels a bit too fast; we’ve just got used to the journey, when it abruptly ends as she reaches the campground.

‘Nocturne went on about her adventures’ - this feels a bit like we’ve been rushed past a chunk of action. ‘Nocturne was still prattling on about her adventures’ feels more like ongoing action.

I like Nocturne

[Rabbit]

I see one largish change I’d make were it mine, and several trivial nitpicks. If you want the nitpicks, send me your latest version privately.

The major change I’d make is to scramble, modify and combine the first two paras, as so.

Original–

Lumina’s titanium hooves thudded on the forest floor. She reached a primitive campground with a canvas tent instead of a force dome. Her sensors drew her attention to a crystal hovering inexplicably nearby. Lumina sighed; it was another reminder that nothing was real.

“Hello?” Lumina called out. Her sensors showed something circling in the sky. “Ludo told me a fellow AI lived here.”

Becomes…

“Hello?” Lumina called out. This might be the place-- certainly it fit the description she’d been given. Her sensors showed something body-sized circling in the sky, along with a primitive campsite instead of the more usual force-dome and power-cell arrangement. The centauroid’s titanium hooves skittered through the forest litter as she stepped tentatively forward. Meanwhile, a glittering crystal hovered near the old-fashioned canvas tent, a further reminder that nothing here was actually real. Or, supposedly, at least a bit less-real than another kind of place she burned to know more about. Lumina had never claimed much in the way of expertise on the subject of reality, which was only to be expected given her age and background. “Ludo told me a fellow AI lived here.”

If you go with this or something like it you also don’t have to specifically mention her centaur-torso later, which I found a bit awkward and not to flow well where it was. I’d also drop a clue at the obvious point later on as to her age-- how long she’s been self-aware, and maybe a pastel, shimmery half-real dream-image of what came before. I’d find the latter especially too tempting to pass up. And, perhaps more importantly in your case, as an editor I’d find it if-- if well-executed-- absolutely compelling, in acting as an emotional (protagonist-sympathy, sense of wonder, subtle reminder of one’s own childhood) hook to to make me want to read more.

Best of luck!

[Heero_Yuy]

“Lumina’s titanium hooves thud ed against the forest floor. The wind whipped around her body as she ran through the dark forest. Leaves crunched and litter flew as she ran but never for a second was she fooled by it.”

I think that this sets the scene a little better and gives the reader a little more time to get into the story. I like how you started it, in contrast with Rabbit, although her suggestion is not bad for an alternative opening.

I was a little confused when she, Lumina, said she was a person, self aware. And the the raven cat Griffin then said they were friends with humans. It almost made me think Lumina was being played by a human, although the context does not allow for that

You have an interesting use of a Griffin. The last time I read about one was in the divide and they were always portrayed as strong creatures. To have one that is so fragile as this one seems is very drawing to me. It draws me into the story. Perhaps her optimism will allow her to survive what is coming.

I feel for Lumina about death.

It might be interesting to explore the possibility of a soul beyond the minds controlling the code in computers.

Heero