Furry Writers' Guild Forum

"Leaf Litter" [working title]

Critique
#1

[Was hoping to have someone look it over before I submit it. Title suggestions?]

We crawl through moist humus like millipedes,
Feasting on dirt and dead, crumbling leaves
While striped skies cycle through violet hues,
While time’s kisses take the shape of a bruise.
Endeavors wear the warmer years away,
Reduced at last to Heaven’s dormant clay.
Alive, I lick brambles until my tongue
Tears, despairing ever being young.

I think of you. I don’t smile when I do.

A moment more and then the day is gone,
In evening grey, we mourn the vanished dawn,
And so on, maybe waiting for someone
To finally come take us where we belong.
In dreams interred, your pure neck bare,
I know your breath, your jasmine-scented hair.
Alive, a god to mites and mud-daubers.
The harvestmen scuttle and bob onwards.

#2

Some great assonance and atmosphere in this, and I especially love the last couplet.

The only line I didn’t like was ‘To finally come take us where we belong’; it sounds like a song lyric, and reads a bit clumsily.

I’m not sure ‘I think of you. I don’t smile when I do’ is needed to bridge the stanzas, but I may be showing my ignorance of a known form here.

Maybe move the last two lines of the first stanza (‘Alive, I lick’) up to the top and shift everything else down; it’s an arresting image, and then the first and last couplets mirror each other.

I miiiight think about changing ‘humus’ in the first line; I know what it means but I couldn’t help thinking of hummus, which probably isn’t the effect you’re after :slight_smile:

I’m dreadful at titles. ‘Autumn’? ‘Down Among The [something]’?

#3

We crawl through moist hummus like Lebanese…

Nah, this isn’t any particular form, it’s free verse. Thanks for your feedback. ^.^

#4

If it’s to establish parallelism, that already exists in the thematic linking of these two “bug’s eye view” sections. But I can’t move that couplet up because it’s where it is so as to contrast with the line above it.

#5

Indeed, you did a poem. You did it very well, as always. Looking at this with fresh eyes? I really love it, actually. So my response is not to change it.

As for a title, I’m not too sure. I can try to give pointers. Sometimes, I like to use a title that is a location, in order to give the poem more grounding for the reader in general. Having a geographic link can give them a foot in the door to interpret the poem better. Just my thoughts. =)

#6

[Thanks, TV. I’m-a post the most recent version, only changed one line. I had already polished it pretty thoroughly]

[EDIT: Changed “neck” to “throat” to slow the line and give it assonance with the “know” in the line following. Changed “hair” to “air” as there was no voiced H with which to alliterate.]

We crawl through moist humus like millipedes,
Feasting on dirt and dead, crumbling leaves
While striped skies cycle through violet hues,
While time’s kisses take the shape of a bruise.
Endeavors wear the warmer years away,
Reduced at last to Heaven’s dormant clay.
Alive, I lick brambles until my tongue
Tears, despairing ever being young.

I think of you. I don’t smile when I do.

A moment more and then the day is gone,
In evening grey, we mourn the vanished dawn,
And so on, maybe waiting for someone
To come drag us back to where we belong.
In dreams interred, your pure throat bare,
I know your breath, your jasmine-scented air.
Alive, a god to mites and mud-daubers.
The harvestmen scuttle and bob onwards.

#7

Nice title!!