Furry Writers' Guild Forum

Lame Attempt At Poetry: The Clockwork Dog Draws Near

Critique
#1

Okay, okay, okay. I’m going to be up front with all of you.

I barely comprehend the mechanics of poetry, and it took everything I had to write this so-called poem. I’m fairly confidant that is utterly terrible beyond belief, but I digress. This is a writer’s forum. We’re all here to help each other, right?

So brace yourselves. Totally terrible beyond belief poem incoming.

Here I go…

The Clockwork Dog Draws Near
By Cecil D. Fritz

[i]You whimper as the ticking draws near
For deep down you’ve known
No mercy for you or those you hold dear
Apologies for the sin you’ve sown
Will only fall on his deaf ear

The clockwork dog will not stop
The beast knows your crime
And in the moment you finally drop
You will be dragged into the grime

The clockwork dog sees all
You’ve lost the game
For written there on the wall
Is your blood-soaked name

You can try to repent
It doesn’t change that
The Beast is hell-bent
To make you pay
For the act you did
On that rueful day

The clockwork dog bites and mauls
And you can only scream and squirm
As you are pinned beneath his claws
All that will remain of you…
Is one fine meal for a worm. [/i]

#2

Well, I’ve read far, far worse. What was your intent in writing this?

#3

I thought as much…

ANYWAY.

Sorry to say that I didn’t have much in terms of intent on this one. It just came to me really.

It was just meant to be a somewhat macabre piece in tone. Which I’ll admit that I failed at.

Only posted this to confirm if it was as terrible I thought it was. x_x;

#4

Umm…that’s not what I said. XP In fact, there are some things you’ve done very right.

#5

…Really? O_o

What exactly did I do right? 6_6

#6

Such as keeping the segments discrete as they are. I also think the metaphor is good.

It’s unpolished, yes, but that isn’t the same as “worthless.”

[EDIT: “Unpolished” isn’t really the word, or at least I meant that to apply to technique rather than the work itself. I get the impression you polished it.]

#7

Genuinely creepy! If it were mine, I’d maybe try to play with the rhythm a bit more - either make it very regular, like a tick-tock, or start slow and speed up towards the end.

#8

What Husky just said. The idea is a good one, and with some more effort I think you can make something really memorable of it. Poetry isn’t so much a matter of rules as it is consistency. The way it differs from prose is in the structure, which must be established and then followed.

Here your structure is a bit too variable for a metrical poem, and yet the rhymes suggest you were reaching for that. I would say this is worth a little more effort. First decide on a single important message to emphasize. Then look at the rhyme and meter pattern and decide what you want it to be.

At that point, you can start substituting words or moving the line breaks until you achieve the structure. Your message will be greatly emphasized as a result. A short poem like this is best limited to a single idea, and I think you’re pretty much on target with that. Keep at it.