Furry Writers' Guild Forum

Hunting, 1882 [An Attempt At Poetry]

Critique
#1

So, since people keep saying how much they love writing poetry, I thought I’d give it a try. You know, improving my English and all that jazz. And this is the first thing I discovered:

Holy [censored] is it hard.

I mean, everything I know about rhythm and rhyming has to be thrown out of the window when you face the language barrier. Then you realise you’re not sure about the pronounciation of half your words, and seriously, the way English separates syllables makes no sense. It felt like trying to take down a wall by slamming my head against it hundreds of times.

So yeah, I had fun. Here’s what I came up with. The rhyme scheme is ABAB CDDC. Please be blunt.

[center]Hunting, 1882

When Fall draws near, at Summer’s end
We prepare for the Hunt
Excitement grows, once we’ve been sent
To where we find our fun

The leaves will fall in the woods
And cover the path with a layer
Which won’t stop the sound of the prayers
Of those who’ll end up as our food.

The Horsemen lead, while we can hear
The calling of the Hounds
It’s all a game, it’s all for fame
In the eyes of the Count

He will not let us have our fill
For he wouldn’t want his pelts torn
But hunger can wait. In the thorns
There’s something that I’d rather kill.

Last Christmas Eve, within the snow
I found his tracks that night
While Master drank, the Fox would go
Wherever he might like

I refuse to sit down and lie
While that vermin comes for our food
And now that we’re searching the woods
At the end of the day he will die.

We searched him far, we searched him wide
The trees were like a maze
We found him showing off his hide
Inviting us to chase

He mocked us for our lack of speed
And for how we were serving Men
In a frenzy, we sped past his den
To give him a taste of our teeth.

The hunt dragged on, until he stopped
Atop a lonely hill
We circled him, and growled, and roared
And prepared for the kill

“Well done, my friends! You ran for miles”
He told us with a fearless sneer
“I can only give you a cheer
And prepare to face Death with a smile.”

And then the blood ran down his neck
And the Fox was no more
They had to drag me away from him
I chewed 'til I was sore

The Hunters all then raised their horns
And all of us started to howl
A victory never tastes sour
After running through bushes and thorns.

I left the pack, to watch the woods
Turn red while the Sun set
The smell of sweat, and dirt, and blood
Was all that I could get

With both my eyes I peered at those miles
Which proved that I was still fit
And then, I saw a Fox and a kit
Leave their den without showing a smile.

They were too far away for me
To catch before night came
That Fox made sure we couldn’t see
How many of them there were.

The little young to his mother clung
And ran away with a whimper
She knew they’d be safe until Winter
Until time would come for a Hunt.

The Hunt is nothing but a part
Of a larger game of Life
Some people win, some people lose,
Or choose to sacrifice.

[/center]

#2

Alright, first and foremost I absolutely love the story you told with this. The initial reveal was very subtle for me, so much so that it didn’t fully sink in until the final line. This is a very good thing, though I can’t speak for anyone else, obviously.

The rhyme scheme was hard for me to sink into. The rhythm and syllable count for the abab versus was very easy to digest, but the cddc threw me off. I’m familiar with the scheme, but it felt awkward and hard to swallow with it being every other verse.

Personally, I would love to see you polish this up with help from poet-critics more learned than me. I love the descriptors and the over-all story.

#3

Hmm, poetry is not my forte, however I hope you find some of this useful. If not, feel free to disregard - I am to try to give feedback that is food for thought.

First, consider how the reveal of the speaker’s identity works. Whilst it was fun to find that the speaker was one of the hounds, I wonder whether it may improve the poem to have the speaker’s expression suggest something different about them. The hound very much speaks like a human, so I’m wondering whether it may help to change some elements in order to convey this different perspective? Something to perhaps consider.

I also thought that while the poem’s structure is good, I thought you could expand on some of the imagery. Take this paragraph for example:

“We searched him far, we searched him wide
The trees were like a maze
We found him showing off his hide
Inviting us to chase”

In this case, I feel there are elements that I’d like to have shown to me, rather than told of - as that would help bring out the hound’s perspective on things. How are the trees like a maze? And what does his hide mean? Something to further expand upon, perhaps.

In summary this is a good poem with nothing wrong to point out. Some people will love this poem as it is, and others may wish it to be a bit more complicated. There certainly were not glaring errors or issues in this work, so feel good! Poetry is hard, and writing poetry in a set rhyme and structure is harder - so very well done!

#4

The idea here is sound, the presentation good. As you suggest, it is clear that you are not entirely comfortable with the rhythms of spoken English. However, your grasp of the vocabulary and structure is excellent. Many of the rhymes are near misses. While it is OK to have a few of those, I would try in a rhyming scheme to limit the number of such pairs.

English poetical meter is quite different from that of the Romance languages. I know you are aware of the differences because you have discussed them before. I think the best way to improve your feel for the patterning would be to read, or better yet, hear English poetry by traditional poets who used metrical forms and rhyming schemes. There is a lot of diversity possible, but the concepts are all very similar. From the simple five line limerick to the wordy epics of Longfellow or Tennyson, the methods are still similar. The key, I’m sure, is hearing the rhythm. Once you can hear it, then it will sound in your head even as you read alone. At that point, it will be much easier for you to write.

This poem is good, and has a sort of 19th century feel to it in both subject matter and language. Your thematic idea is sound, the message comes through, but what needs tuning is the structure. I definitely think it is worth the effort to tighten up the shape of that.

#5

Might I add to Altivo’s suggested poets with Robert Frost who did wonders for the world of Transcendentalism. Others might recommend Thorough or Emmerson, but I always found those two rather dry in comparison. You might even sample some Shel Silverstein, who managed to use whimsy and childlike themes for some incredibly deep thoughts when you manage to look beneath the surface.

#6

I’ll just fix Munchkin’s spelling there. She means Henry David Thoreau and Ralph Waldo Emerson, both of whom were more essayist than poet. Robert Frost’s poetry is indeed excellent for rhyme and meter, though he did experiment with unrhymed lines and free verse at times. Henry Wadsworth Longfellow is famous more for the sound of his poetry than for the content, I think. Good (and lengthy) examples are “Evangeline” and “The Song of Hiawatha.”

#7

I guess that shows what a huge fan I was of theirs >.> My apologies, and thanks for the correction!

#8

I am a HUGE fan of Frost’s, “Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening” is in my top 10 best poems of all times.
Also, coolest name in all of American Literature. Pun not intended.

Thoreau and Emerson I found them really boring, only forced myself through their works because my professor had a thing for American philosophy. I enjoyed W. C. Williams a lot more, and I think I kinda skipped Longfellow, while it’s my first time hearing of Silverstein. I’ll read through the Norton Anthology once more, it’s never a dull experience :slight_smile:

Altivo’s right though, the first thing I should do is to LISTEN to some poetry. Gonna head over to Youtube to fix that! ;D

#9

Ah yes, “Stopping by Woods…” is one of the few poems I love so much that I can recite it entire. Another Frost favorite of mine is “Birches.”

#10

I still get goosebumps just reading “Stopping by Woods” <3 So much love for that poem. “The Road Not Taken” is another lovely one, if not constantly misinterpretted :stuck_out_tongue: It shouldn’t be too hard to find some readings of some of the classics on youtube, or even to splurge on an audiobook :3

Shel Silverstein is far more geared toward youth, but if you know how to read between the lines even a little, it can be incredibly insightful. Here’s a great sampling of some of his shorter works: http://thewhynot100.blogspot.com/2014/05/46-short-and-sweet-shel-silverstein.html

#11

Ah yes, Sarah Cynthia Sylvia Stout, who would not take the garbage out…

Silverstein can be madcap entertaining or depressingly serious at times.

#12

He certainly takes a wide range of emotions X3 If you look at “Masks” though, or even better, “Listen to the MUSTN’TS” it can bring a few goosebumps. The messages are right there, clear as day, and yet we rarely really give such things much thought anymore.