So far this project is just several scenes where the characters are doing certain things. Most of these are written by me, but one of them is by my friend Tekky. We share a bunch of these Also not all of these characters are mine (Tekky, Haylo, and Jason) All the rights of those characters go to them!
Summary of Project:
I think you could expand the first paragraph a bit. The suspense is over very quickly at the moment: there’s someone there, it’s Tekky! You could spend a bit more time having Shane wake up, feel as if something’s wrong, pluck up the courage to open his eyes, see a shape in his room…
Also everyone blushes a lot! Maybe think of some other ways to express awkwardness, like fidgeting or looking at the floor.
Can I suggest something? You might use more specific language at times. Two examples, to illustrate (probably there weren’t many more than this, since the work was short).
1.) “After just a few months of living in Spokesville, his room was already in neat order and had a system of cleanliness.”
–‘in neat order’ and ‘a system’. There are many ways things could be in a neat, orderly system. If you give a sentence or two (not more!) on exactly what that means (colors go with colors? Like clothing with like? Everything is folded into triangles and fitted together?) it’s both more interesting and also serves to flesh out Shane’s character a bit more (we’d know just how obsessive he is about such things).
2.) “It was a very nice shirt.”
–I recommend always avoiding words like ‘nice’ when being descriptive, because such words have very little meaning on their own. In case of a shirt: good quality, soft, clean, good design, snug fit, etc.
Thank you Husky!