Furry Writers' Guild Forum

For Critique: Flower's Curse Chapter 1

This is the first chapter from the second book in my series. I want this book to be accessible to people who may not have read the first book, so mostly I want to know:

Do the two races make sense?
Does the magic make sense?
Anything that is confusing or doesn’t make sense to a new reader?

If you are interested in reading the whole thing as a beta reader send me a PM (or, even better, you know a publisher that would be interested in picking up an epic fantasy furry fiction series!)

Chapter 1 Scene 1

Prince Se’ls marched along the edge of the stage in front of the audience. His measured steps fell in perfect alignment with Arara’s, his Yaka sedyu-bonded, who had entered from the other side at the same time. As far as Se’ls knew, Arara was the first Yaka Sedyu in the history of the Empire. She’d grown up thinking she was a Jegera, and felt betrayed by her parents when she learned about her Yaka heritage, but Se’ls was proud of how well she had handled the transition.

Of course, Yaka had been thought extinct for the last thousand years, so he didn’t know how many of the Kin and Jegera watching in the audience knew about Arara’s heritage. His Mother had tried to keep it quiet, so Se’ls supposed that most of those watching merely thought Arara was a very short Jegera with strange white fur - like he had when he’d first met her.

Se’ls heavy ceremonial robes dragged behind, throwing him off balance, and pulled him out of his musings. The heavy fabric pulled at his shoulders and he had to concentrate to keep upright. On top of that, the elaborate vine-do on his head meant he had to keep his chin up and his gaze straight ahead or risk ruining hours of his servant’s hard work.

Through his sedyu-bond, he could feel that Arara was equally uncomfortable. Even with the unseasonably cool weather, her thick fur combined with her ceremonial leather armor left her close to heat stroke. On top of that, the stiff leather was chaffing her.

A cover of dark gray clouds blanketed the sky, threatening rain at any moment. Normally, Se’ls loved thunderstorms. Or more precisely, he loved watching the lightning from his dry balcony, listening to the boom that followed, and enjoying the patter of rain and the smell of wet loam. But what he didn’t want was to get rained on in this monstrous outfit.

After what seemed an eternity of walking, Se’ls and Arara met at the center of the stage where his mother, Queen Se’uan, ruler of the Kin-Jegera Empire and her Sedyu-bonded Tukura waited. The Queen’s vines were braided around her head in a crown shape, with her flowers set as the points. Her green gown was set with rubies sewn into an intricate flower pattern. The rubies matched the blood red of her petals. Tukura’s black uniform was a dark spot next to the Queen’s beauty.

Normally at this point in any Royal Ceremony a member of the Royal Family would cast the Greeting magic, a spell that was said to bring peace and good luck. The Greeting Magic was one of a group of spells known as the Royal Magic, and the secret of their casting was a secret taught only to members of the Royal Family.

During the rebellion, the Jegeran Elders had revealed the spell was actually a form of mind control, altering the minds of those who witnessed it.

When his Mother, the Queen, had decided to go ahead with the Sedyu-bond Ceremony, Se’ls had adamantly argued against it being used. The Queen had relented, but reluctantly.

Arara stopped facing Se’ls’ Mother. Se’ls faced Tukura, a Jegera with chocolate brown fur who loomed over him by almost an entire tail length.

The Queen lifted the ceremonial pot, filled with soil saved from Se’ls’ seedling plot. The pot was intricately carved with friezes depicting last week’s battle to save the Queen from the invading Yaka and Jegeran rebels. The wood had been harvested from one of Royal Garden trees Se’ls had burned down with a Moon Magic fireball in order to save his family.

“Arara of Last Home,” The Queen’s magically amplified voice boomed out over the hushed audience. “A Sedyu-bond is a sacred pact between Jegera and Kin, promising trust, cooperation, and prosperity between the two races. Over the years we lost sight of that, and Kin began to believe their magic held them up higher than the savage Jegera.”

The Queen lowered the pot. “The first Sedyu-bonded pair, Queen Se’lvn and Bran, ruled the combined Kin-Jegera Empire as equals. You are more than a bodyguard, you and my son, together, are future heirs to the Kingdom.”

Se’ls listened in amazement, trying to keep his mouth from dropping open. This wasn’t in the script. During the rehearsal the day before his mother had recited the same words about honor and great weight that Se’ls vaguely remembered from his older cousin Se’say’s own ceremony ten years before.

He risked glanced up at Tukura. Tukura’s mouth was open, and her tongue lolled out in a grin. So Tukura had known the Queen’s plan all along.

The Queen continued speaking along the same lines. Finally she finished with the phrase Se’ls had heard the night before. “This pot represents my dear son, Prince Se’ls’, life from birth to this moment. I give it over to you for safe-keeping.” At this, she handed the pot to Arara, who took it with practiced reverence. Se’ls had been worried that with the change in dialog that Arara would miss her queue, but he felt silly now. Of course she wouldn’t mess up - with her telepathy she knew exactly what the Queen was thinking and when her part was coming up.

“Prince Sebaine Lsander,” Tukura began, lifting the charm bracelet. Her voice was not magically enhanced, but her pitch projected loudly over the crowd. “Your Sedyu-bonded is to be treasured. Together you are more than you were-”
::Who is Sebaine Lsander?:: Arara’s voice sounded in his head.

::That’s my full name. Now be quiet.:: Se’ls said, trying to catch his cue in Tukura’s lines.

Arara didn’t reply, but he could feel her anger wash through the bond. Se’ls didn’t understand why, but he didn’t have the brain power to think about it right now.

Like the Queen, Tukura was ad-libbing her own lines, making Se’ls uncertain when he was supposed to do his part. A rumble of thunder down out some of Tukura’s words and Se’ls blinked, trying to follow along.

“-my advice. “You are more than a Prince, you and Arara, together, are future heirs to the Kingdom.”

“This bracelet represents Arara’s life from birth to this moment. I give it over to you for safe-keeping.” Tukura lowered the bracelet and offered it to Se’ls on the palms of her paws. The bracelet was a simple leather strap, woven through bone charms of a snow flower - her namesake, a snowflake for her mother, and a roap for her father. A large crocodile claw completed the charm. The claw had been taken from the croc that had almost killed Arara during the first trial.

As he’d practiced, Se’ls reverently took the bracelet with both hands, holding it palm out so the audience could see it clearly.
The Queen and Tukura took each other’s hands, then backed up away from the audience. Se’ls walked forward, meeting Arara where the Queen and Tukura had once stood. Simultaneously, they turned to face the crowd. Se’ls lifted Arara’s bracelet, while Arara lifted his pot.

Se’ls felt the tingle of Moon Magic being used, but he wasn’t doing a spell. As far as he knew, since normal Kin could only cast Sun Magic, he was the only Moon Magic user around. Perhaps the gathered energy of the storm? The cloud cover was thick enough that his mother had had trouble using the Sun Magic voice amplification spell earlier, which meant it was probably dark enough for Moon Magic.

He pushed the thought out of his head. He needed to concentrate on his lines.

As one they recited the sacred line, “We Sedyu-bonded pledge to uphold the-”

Arara’s long fur puffed out around her armor. A bolt of lightning arced down out of the sky and struck the stage just in front of Se’ls. The white flash blinded him, and a massive force lifted and threw him backwards. He fell hard, landing on his back. His ears rung from the concussive boom.

A second crack. Se’ls screamed, his nerves on fire, feeling as if every part of him were burning up. He screamed a second time, then, as suddenly as it came, the pain was gone.

Se’ls gasped for breath as chaos reigned around him. The stage was on fire where the bolts of lightning hit and he couldn’t see Arara anywhere, although he could feel her panic in his head. He could hear Kin screaming, but the sound was muted as if far away.

Tukura reached him and patted out the flames he hadn’t noticed on his robes before she pulled him to his feet. She pushed him back away from the edge of the stage.

“No, Arara!” Se’ls pulled back and twirled around, squinting through the smoke looking for her. He could feel her nearby, but he couldn’t see her through the haze. He finally recovered enough from the shock of the strike to register that she was in pain.
“She can take care of herself!” Tukura growled in his ear and yanked him back so hard he stumbled. “See to your own safety first.”

“Didn’t you listen to yourself?” Se’ls snarled back. “Sedyu-bonded have to both help each other! I can’t leave her.”

Tukura’s ears went back and she dropped his arm before turning and rushing away, Se’ls assumed to find his mother.

Se’ls tried to un-knot his sash, but his fingers trembled too much. Finally he lost his temper and a lick of flame shot out of his fingers, burning through the silk sash in an instant and making the air around him smell like burnt hair. He ripped off the heavy outer robe and let it fall to the stage with a clink. He almost sighed in relief as the heavy weight fell away. The under robe would allow him to move freely.

He shook out the long sleeve and held it over his mouth to block out the worst of the smoke. He took a deep breath and ran into the cloud towards Arara’s presence. A wave of heat met him, growing steadily hotter as he went. Se’ls eyes watered and his skin felt like it was browning and cracking as he walked. By the time he got close to Arara’s presence he had to squeeze his eyes shut and hope he didn’t walk into a fire. He was so focused on moving forward that he didn’t realize he’d found Arara until he literally tripped over her arm and fell and top of her.

Coughing, he groped around until he found one of her paws. He tried to tug her away one handed, but she was too heavy. But when he dropped his sleeve to grab her paw with both hands, acrid smoke burned his nose and throat. He did his best to ignore it has he dragged Arara back out of the smoke away from the fire.

By now his ears had almost completely stopped ringing and he could hear a someone chanting “Death to the Yaka!”
A shadowy Jegeran-form ran out of the smoke in front of him, resolving into Yegra, Arara’s childhood acquaintance from her home village of Last Home and newly minted Alpha-Guard trainee.

Se’ls could hardly make her out through the smoke, as her gray fur seemed to blend with the haze so that all he could see clearly were her eyes. She bent down and slung Arara over her shoulder by her free arm and lifted her up. Se’ls let go of Arara’s paw and followed Yegra out of the smoke. As soon as they were free of the crowd, Alpha-Guard surrounded them. A larger male took Arara from Yegra while another led the entire group away.

Se’ls tried to keep up with the Jegera’s long legs and brisk pace, but the tears streaming down his face from the smoke in his eyes meant he could barely see where he was going. He tried to speak, but couldn’t force any sound out of his raw throat. His vision dimmed and he stumbled and fell. He felt furry arms catch him and lift him up.

Se’ls coughed and hacked, but still no words would come. He vaguely heard someone say something, then cool water hit his parched tongue.

I had a little trouble with visualizing the two different (well three different) aliens and their make-up. S’s’sl seems half plant? But I think I got a good description of his clothing. I also

The one thing I missed was the character of the audience. Their mood and reactions (and how they mix) should tell a lot, especially to the adlibbed lines, should tell a lot about the world, the mood and society in general. Here, the audience seems a passive observer when this is a great chance to world build and summarize. Is the general public aware of Arara’s adventures? Do they approve? How do the class and species get along? You know, that kind of thing?

Greyflank, that is a good point and something that didn’t occur to me to add in the audience’s reaction to what is happening on stage.

Yes, they are plants. I’ll add a bit more description of them to make that clearer.

what do the “::” mean?

I believe we :: is telepathy quotes.::

Yes, those are telepathy quotes.

oh, really? in the books I read they just use Italics

I was having massive problems with italics when I was writing - they kept turning back to normal non-italicized, and I’d edit and be all confused. So I started putting :: on so even if it dropped the italics I’d still know what was mind-speak and what wasn’t.

some ebo0k software does not allow italics, if I understand correctly.

I didn’t know that, but it might explain why I kept loosing my italics when I made it an ebook to read it on my kindle while editing.