Furry Writers' Guild Forum

Flash Fiction: The Foulest Thing

This is my first attempt at flash fiction. It isn’t furry, but I’m just looking for critiques.

The Foulest Thing - 495 Words

Edmund’s wife had died when their son was in elementary school. Edmund had done his best to raise him, but it had been hard juggling work and the long hours. Outside friendships had suffered so he could devote more time to his son. Something had changed in high school and when it was time for college his son left and never returned.

His hand hesitated on the handset before he got up the courage to dial.

His son answered on the fifth ring. He could hear music and laughter in the background.

“David, don’t hang up. I miss you.” He paused. "Please come over. I’d like to see - ”

“Look, old man. I don’t want your money. I don’t ever want to see you again. Stop calling me.”

Silence. The line went dead.

He ripped the jack from the wall and threw the phone across the room. His mansion was empty and echoing. He wandered, ending up in front of his parent’s old room. The door screamed as it opened. Edmund shuffled forward, fumbling for the switch and sending a cloud of dust up from the carpet. He hadn’t entered this bedroom since they had died.

The light flickered then stayed on, illuminating the retro seventies orange shag carpet, paisley curtains thick with dust, and assorted grimy knicknacks. Something sparkled, half hidden under a floral print hat. His purpose forgotten he crossed the room and revealed a white horn, slightly curved with a corkscrew spiral edge.

The horn was warm under his fingers. He marveled at how clean it was after twenty years of neglect.

In the brighter light of his study, laying on his desk it was miraculous.

Sunlight sparkled about the horn, creating shifting rainbows on the walls.

It was the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen.

The folks at the antique mall were just as impressed as he’d been when he found it. “We’ll give you a thousand for it.”

The horn was too unique to sell and he had enough money; he just wanted to find out what it was. He asked around. He found no answers, but the horn gained many fans. For the first time in his life he found himself invited to parties. “Bring that fabulous horn of course,” they gaily said in the invitations.

But somehow in the middle of those crowded rooms he felt more isolated than he did when he was home alone in his mansion. Before he’d found the horn he’d been lonely, but not discontent, not empty and hollow as he was now.

The horn was the foulest thing he’d ever seen.

Edmund twisted his hands around it, the sharp edges of the conicals biting into the palms of his hands. “I wish my son knew how I felt, how it feels being all alone.”

It pulsed in his hands then crumbled away into ash. As the last of it dissolved he lost consciousness.

He awoke to his son’s boyfriend shaking him awake. “David, you’re having a nightmare. Wake up.”

Hm. Initial thoughts, the story lacks clarity, and the use of all of the 'had’s really drags the story down. Let’s move out of the passive voice, and see how much better the first paragraph alone reads:

Edmund’s wife had died when their son was in elementary school. Edmund had done his best to raise him, but it had been hard juggling work and the long hours. Outside friendships had suffered so he could devote more time to his son. Something had changed in high school and when it was time for college his son left and never returned.

becomes

Edmund’s wife died when their son was in elementary school. Edmund did his best to raise his boy, but it was hard juggling the long hours of work and family. His friendships had withered and faded, the price of devoting more time to his son. Something changed between them when his son went to high school. When it was time for college, his son left, and never returned.

I’d also recommend giving his son’s name in the beginning, and then you can replace incidences of ‘his son’ with ‘Name’. That would let you shave some of the word count even leaner.

Here is my second draft:

Edmund’s hand trembled on the handset before he got up the courage to dial. His son answered on the fifth ring; he could hear music and laughter in the background.

“David, don’t hang up. I miss you.” He paused. "Please come over. I’d like to see - ”

“Look, old man. I don’t want your money. I don’t ever want to see you again. Stop calling me.”
Silence. The line went dead.

He ripped the jack from the wall and threw the phone across the room.

His steps echoed in the emptiness as he wandered through the mansion, he found himself in front of his parent’s old room. He hadn’t been in there since they’d died.

The hinges screeched open and he shuffled forward, fumbling for the switch. Dust puffed up from the carpet with each step. The light flickered then stayed on, illuminating the retro seventies orange shag carpet. Something sparkled, half hidden under a dusty floral print hat. He crossed the room and revealed a white horn, slightly curved with a corkscrew spiral edge.

The horn was warm under his fingers. He marveled at how clean it was.

In the brighter light of his study he set it on his desk, next to the framed photo of Maggie holding little David on her lap. After her death there had never been time enough for friends, work, or even his son. Their recent estrangement only exacerbated the hole she’d left in his life.

Sunlight sparkled about the horn, creating shifting rainbows on the walls. Maggie would have loved it.

It was the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen.

The folks at the antique mall were just as impressed. “We’ll give you a thousand for it.”

The horn was too unique to sell and he had enough money; the curiosity consumed him. He asked around. He found no answers, but the horn gained many fans.

For the first time in his life he found himself invited to a party. “Bring that fabulous horn of course,” they gaily said in the invitation.

At the ball he showed off the horn; when he brought it out the room brightened and rainbows shone. The guests pressed forward, clamoring for more.

When he’d tired of holding and put it away the crowd returned to their hors d’oeuvres. Edmund mingled, approaching a woman and her friend.

“Wonderful show. How much?”

“It’s not for sale.”

“Of course not, its the only thing you have going for you.” They tittered, heads together, as they walked off.

That was the best exchange he had that night.

Before he’d found the horn he’d been lonely, but not discontent, not empty and hollow as he was now.

The horn was the foulest thing he’d ever seen.

Edmund twisted his hands around it, the sharp edges of the conicals biting into the palms of his hands. “I wish my son knew how I felt, how it feels being all alone.”

It pulsed in his hands then crumbled away into ash. As the last of it dissolved he lost consciousness.

He awoke to his son’s boyfriend shaking him awake. “David, you’re having a nightmare. Wake up.”

There’s a lot that seems to beg for more description and elaboration. I would point out that it has too many short paragraphs, but rather than combining them, it’s more like the ones there now need to be fleshed out more.

The ending reveals that it’s all a dream, but it’s unclear how much of the rest of the story is the dream. All of it?

Finally, early on there is this line:

“David, don’t hang up. I miss you.” He paused. "Please come over. I’d like to see - ”
which tells us Edmund (the father) is the viewpoint character and David is his son. But then at the end:
He awoke to his son’s boyfriend shaking him awake. “David, you’re having a nightmare. Wake up.”
Who is having the dream here, if “he” is Edmund (the father) and “his son” is David?