Hello FWG forum members,
I present for your critique, a story that I like but hasn’t found a home…yet.
it is 1100 words. it is science fiction with a human to furry transition mentioned and it is supposed to be a first in a possible series.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Bbxzae2qom4S0kWPce_SODRgPaRuHZ1C2g60xupFYOQ/edit?usp=sharing
I set the doc to where people can leave comments on the doc if they’d like or here, whichever.
Hi Vance,
I don’t seem to be able to leave comments there. So, I will leave them here, if that’s OK.
There’s a little bit of tense changes that don’t follow. I’ve done that.
Dimitri nods and gives a low sigh. Humans, including his father, were dying. He knew this, but couldn't accept it. His ears wilted as he thought of his family, especially his father.
In a world of humans vs anthros, the question arises “where did the anthros come from?” I am inferring from the text that the Anthros weren’t created from humans.
Humanity was embarking on its most dangerous project. They had never attempted something as the military was proposing. Right now, in the room were scientists and doctors getting the equipment ready to use, the clanking of bottles and beakers heard. Two men were standing, one at attention, the other pacing. Silence and air stood between them. That is, until the man on the left--apparently a general judging by his lapels.
The commanding officer needs to be described more decisively since Private Micheals knows him, sees him as a friend, in fact. he shouldn’t “apparently” be a General.
I would absolutely use that phrase or something similar if you wanted to go on to say that humans were dying off so fast that people just went with the uniforms that they could find. It would add a bit of gravitas, IMHO
It’s a workable story base but the Private needs more depth. As does the world; working on one can help the other,
Also, forgive me, but I feel the need to suggest an alternate title: [glow=red,2,300]Private Michaels Gets His Stripes [/glow]
I set it so that whoever had the link could comment. how odd.
I wanted to work more on the world, but with a set in stone guideline of 1000-2000 words that made it hard.
and yes, I do change tenses but I’m not sure how to change that nasty habit.
and no. they weren’t. they evolved alongside humanity, “Anthro sapiens” is what the scientific name would have been if I had written more, or had the desire to. but i figured I’d see what I could fix for this one and for future stories.
Submissions for the latest issue have just closed, but this is the right length for GoAL: http://goalpublications.com/
I’ve requested editing permission so I can throw some comments in.
It was already rejected for GoAL this time around.
and ROAR 7
but thanks.
Hello! Here are my nitpicking suggestions based on a version that says it was edited 5 days ago:
First sentence: Think about how many actions happen at once here. Salute, stand, machine opens.
“a slight smirk on his face”: “with”. And whose face, Michaels’ or the officer’s?
“The scientist behind him muttering”: Not quite grammatical as worded. I’d say “was muttering” or “muttered”.
“sleep, and possibly death”: Try adding a comma after “death”.
We see “the machine” three times but without description. It would help to have some detail, or another word. I’m being silly here, but you could say “transmogrifier” for instance to replace one instance of “machine”. More seriously, something like “the titanium sphere” or “the bio-chamber”.
“tried not to laugh”: Sounds like a POV shift as worded. Try “stifled a laugh”, since that suggests he’s doing something Michaels might see/hear instead of sort of showing us the general’s thoughts.
Also, would a general be friends with a private? That’d be an unusual relationship.
“once we’re sure”: Of what? I’m reminded of a “chakat” transformation story wtih someone waking up similarly shackled. The military types explained and apologized: “We just want to make sure you won’t attack anybody. Will you agree to walk into the prison cell over there for long enough that we can observe you and confirm you’re still sane?”
“a small wag at the idea of being”: Being what?
“Dmitri nods and gives a low sigh”: This is a tense change. Also there’s no blank line before this paragraph.
“tail down and eyes defiant”: Inconsistent attitude with the purring in the paragraph before.
“The door was opened”: The passive voice isn’t necessary here.
Overall:
Interesting, and it’s a good start, but for me it felt like the story wasn’t complete. My problem with it is that the main character doesn’t go through any conflict. We’re told there’s some problem that could end humanity as we know it, and that Michaels is some sort of ambassador/test subject for living as an anthro among other anthro creatures, but we don’t get to see what trouble he has with this new life. We’re told his father’s upset and that some of the anthros will be too. It would be nice to see that “on stage”. You can address these things with a longer story. The potential for conflict is there, which is good; we’re just not seeing it yet.
Kris,
I thank you for your critique.
I am putting your responses and your suggestions to good use right now as we speak.
As for your suggestion of
It would be nice to see that “on stage”. You can address these things with a longer story.the intention was to have a series of stories. This is actually supposed to be 1 of ??? if that makes sense but then i got pulled into other things and pulled into a different kind of series with this idea that haven’t come to fruition yet.
As for the shortness you can blame your fellow critiquers. I actually had the cause in the story but then some suggestions removing it.
It actually makes a come back in a prologue of sorts that’s been added to the story.
[quote=“Kris Schnee, post:6, topic:1515”]Hello! Here are my nitpicking suggestions based on a version that says it was edited 5 days ago:
First sentence: Think about how many actions happen at once here. Salute, stand, machine opens.[/quote]
I’m afraid I don’t understand what you’re trying to say here. Are you saying there are too many actions? that they’re not in the correct tense?
"a slight smirk on his face": "with". And whose face, Michaels' or the officer's?“The scientist behind him muttering”: Not quite grammatical as worded. I’d say “was muttering” or “muttered”.
“sleep, and possibly death”: Try adding a comma after “death”.
We see “the machine” three times but without description. It would help to have some detail, or another word. I’m being silly here, but you could say “transmogrifier” for instance to replace one instance of “machine”. More seriously, something like “the titanium sphere” or “the bio-chamber”.
“tried not to laugh”: Sounds like a POV shift as worded. Try “stifled a laugh”, since that suggests he’s doing something Michaels might see/hear instead of sort of showing us the general’s thoughts.
Also, would a general be friends with a private? That’d be an unusual relationship.
“once we’re sure”: Of what? I’m reminded of a “chakat” transformation story wtih someone waking up similarly shackled. The military types explained and apologized: “We just want to make sure you won’t attack anybody. Will you agree to walk into the prison cell over there for long enough that we can observe you and confirm you’re still sane?”
“a small wag at the idea of being”: Being what?
“Dmitri nods and gives a low sigh”: This is a tense change. Also there’s no blank line before this paragraph.
“tail down and eyes defiant”: Inconsistent attitude with the purring in the paragraph before.
“The door was opened”: The passive voice isn’t necessary here.
the rest of this made sense and I’m fixing it as we speak.
are you editing on a phone by chance? cause I’m seeing a blank line after the end quotation and the first word of that sentence
Like everyone else said, it’s an interesting premise, but it does not lend itself to short stories. From what i gather it’s kinda like Avatar (the blue alien one). Military man agrees to transfer bodies to interact with another species to build a bridge. Only in this one it’s about saving the human race from a super sci-fi disease. You can tell there’s a big story going on here, but we aren’t given much time to understand the characters, the world, the situation, or what conflicts this has with the main character.
We are given some facts about what is happening, but that doesn’t connect us to care about what’s happening. Like the General and Private’s relationship. That needs to be explored show it gives us a foundation of the main character, the world, and the conflict. Without that world building it leaves you lost and uninterested.
Also, when Michael wakes up after the transformation, wouldn’t it be better if he looked at himself and describe it in the narration instead of having the General tell us? Also, wouldn’t a transformation like this hurt? I feel there’s a good scene to describe our main character changing. Like what happen in Captain America, the pain of his body: bones, muscles, etc… changing. Just a thought.
There’s a lot that just comes down to how you want the story to be told. These are just my two cents, but there is something here. It just needs to the time to develop.
Welp, I thank you all.
There’s no reason to further post on this thread. Thanks to all of the wonderful advice and critiques I’ve since buried this project and moved on.
Actually, I have no problem with you omitting the cause of this disaster from the scenes you posted. You don’t need to explain everything at the beginning of the story. I’m a bit confused that you’re speaking of this as being “a story” that’s part of a planned series, when I would use the term “chapter” to mean that there’s going to be a beginning, middle and end with a series of chapters. This text is only a beginning, so that’s why I don’t think of it as a “story”.
Not everyone agrees, but I hate prologues. They fail to introduce the characters we’re supposed to care about, and convey information we have no interest in yet. I sometimes skip over them and don’t feel like I’ve missed anything. (Paul Kidd’s “GeneStorm: City in the Sky” is a recent example of a good story with a completely unnecessary prologue.) It’s better to start with the conflict and only explain things later. That approach, called “in media res”, goes all the way back to The Illiad.
I'm a bit confused that you're speaking of this as being "a story" that's part of a planned series, when I would use the term "chapter" to mean that there's going to be a beginning, middle and end with a series of chapters. This text is only a beginning, so that's why I don't think of it as a "story".
I think what he meant was this was intended to be the opening short story to a larger piece just to set the world motion and go from there in a larger piece.
But since he’s apparently no longer a member here (I tried to click his profile and nothing came up) I can only guess.
Yeah, he apparently deleted his account this morning, but I’ll keep the thread open in case he changes his mind and decides to come back.
One thing you could do is to write another story set in this universe about a side character. That might lend itself to a short story and if you are having trouble writing the longer ones just keep writing flash fiction about side characters until the universe starts to develop. Then come back and write about the main charact r r until you thread the stories togeather with him or her. You can place the main character in some of the side stories and use them or others to fill in chapters while you are working on the main plot.
Heero