Furry Writers' Guild Forum

Beta Read: Twelve Days of a Naughty Furry Christmas

Critique
#1

Hey guys. Hope you are all having a good Holiday season. So I was listening to some Christmas music when Twelve Days of Christmas came up. About halfway through I started to think what would a Furry Christmas be like. Then I started to think what a Naughty Furry Christmas would be like and here we are.

It’s a rough draft, so there’s plenty to change, but I like to see what you guys think. Just thought it would be a fun little joke for Furries to share on Christmas. I want to have it set by Christmas Eve to present to the fandom. Give it a read, tell me what you think, (or not, it’s your choice), and have a Merry Christmas and a Happy Holidays.

[/center]Twelve Days of a Naughty Furry Christmas

On the First day of Christmas my fluff butt gave to me
Surprise Sex in my Butt. (Jackpot)

On the Second day of Christmas my fluff butt gave to me
Two Rubber Drones (Sexy fun time here I cum)
And Surprise Sex in my Butt.

On the Third day of Christmas my fluff butt gave to me
Three Ball Gags (For when I’m really naughty)
Two Rubber Drones
And Surprise Sex in my Butt.

On the Fourth day of Christmas my fluff butt gave to me
Four Chastity Belts (Have you ever done Orgasm Denial? Try it. Best orgasm you’ll ever have)
Three Ball Gags
Two Rubber Drones
And Surprise Sex in my Butt.

On the Fifth day of Christmas my fluff butt gave to me
Five Golden Cockrings (Oh please, you were thinking the same thing)
Four Chastity Belts
Three Ball Gags
Two Rubber Drones
And Surprise Sex in my Butt.

On the Sixth day of Christmas my fluff butt gave to me
Six Egg Laying Tentacles (Well, you’re not going to be seeing me for a week)
Five Golden Cockrings (Can we hurry up. I got Tentacles awaiting!)
Four Chastity Belts
Three Ball Gags
Two Rubber Drones
And Surprise Sex in my Butt. (With Tentacles!)

TWO WEEKS LATER
(What can I say, they know how to fill a Deer up.)

On the “Seventh” day of Christmas my fluff butt gave to me
Seven Inflating Plushies (They also squeak)
Six Egg Laying Tentacles
Five Golden Cockrings
Four Chastity Belts
Three Ball Gags
Two Rubber Drones
And Surprise Sex in my Butt.

On the eighth day of Christmas my fluff butt gave to me
Eight Machines for Milking (For those who want a real protein shake)
Seven Inflating Plushies
Six Egg Laying Tentacles
Five Golden Cockrings
Four Chastity Belts
Three Ball Gags
Two Rubber Drones
And Surprise Sex in my Butt.

On the Ninth day of Christmas my fluff butt gave to me
Nine Wooden Paddles (For when I’m extra naughty)
Eight Machines for Milking
Seven Inflating Plushies
Six Egg Laying Tentacles
Five Golden Cockrings
Four Chastity Belts
Three Ball Gags
Two Rubber Drones
And Surprise Sex in my Butt.

On the Tenth day of Christmas my fluff butt gave to me
Ten Vibrating Butt Plugs (You Jealous yet? You Jealous)
Nine Wooden Paddles
Eight Machines for Milking
Seven Inflating Plushies
Six Egg Laying Tentacles
Five Golden Cockrings
Four Chastity Belts
Three Ball Gags
Two Rubber Drones
And Surprise Sex in my Butt.

On the Eleventh day of Christmas my fluff butt gave to me
Eleven Musky Jockstraps (He knows me so well)
Ten Vibrating Butt Plugs
Nine Wooden Paddles
Eight Machines for Milking
Seven Inflating Plushies
Six Egg Laying Tentacles
Five Golden Cockrings
Four Chastity Belts
Three Ball Gags
Two Rubber Drones
And Surprise Sex in my Butt

One more!

On the Twelfth day of Christmas my fluff butt gave to me
Twelve Bad Dragon Dildos (God I love that fox)
Eleven Musky Jockstraps
Ten Vibrating Butt Plugs
Nine Wooden Paddles
Eight Machines for Milking
Seven Inflating Plushies
Six Egg Laying Tentacles
Five Golden Cockrings
Four Chastity Belts
Three Ball Gags
Two Rubber Drones
And Surprise Sex in my Butt!

It’s going to be a very white Christmas. #Notsorry;P

#2

Exactly how many kinks did you cover there?

It’s just, really silly. I don’t understand why you would post something like that here.

#3

Perhaps because this is the critique section, where writers post things that they’re working with and want outside opinions on? Please don’t yell at writers for posting drafts asking for feedback. :slight_smile:

So, my main annoyance is the “Surprise Sex In My Butt” doesn’t quite have the syllable pattern of “A Partridge in a Pear Tree” (6 versus 7), so I’m mentally scanning the “in” in yours to stretch over two syllables and it doesn’t quite work. Maybe something like “Surprise Sex with my True Love”? It’s a bt sappy, but the holidays is usually an excuse for us writers to pour on the schmaltz.

The parentheticals I’m going back and forth on. I like the general idea because you’re going for a breezy piece that’s playful and casually sexual, but for whatever reason the execution is leaving me cold? I think maybe it’s just a bit too on-the-nose “(Ooh yeah, will have numerous orgasms, yeah)” and I’m thinking maybe making it a bit more coy and sly? E.g.:

“On the Third day of Christmas my fluff butt gave to me
Three Ball Gags (A good lover is seen and not heard)”

or

“On the Sixth day of Christmas my fluff butt gave to me
Six Egg Laying Tentacles (They’re all the rage this year, bigger than Furbies)”

I think tweaking it like that enhances the humor versus the sexuality, and your goal with this piece seems to be the humor, yes?

#4

I bet if you ask nicely, you could get Mr. Mandolina to sing this.

#5

Yeah, I’m looking to just make it funny. I just want it to be a silly “Furries Ruin Everything” joke of a popular Christmas song. I’ll work on the parentheses to make them work more and the lines to fit better. You’re examples are a good base for me to start. Thank you.