Its that time again. Got another story ready for beta reading. It takes place in a steampunk world far in the future. Japan has returned to a feudal system once again. A human soldier gets entangled with a task to hunt a shape shifting Kitsune. He finds out the real reason the fox is being hunted and struggles to do the right thing.
6k in length. 8k upper limit.
I know… Another review ><… Im still open to look over other peoples work… I just seem to be very active.
Still looking for one or two beta readers. Im still open to receive stories as well for review.
Hello, I would be interested in giving your stuff a beta-read.
Do you have a link or anything?
Hi, I did a light read of the first half. I noticed an assortment of grammar errors and a few awkward tense changes. These should be easily addressable.
Would you call this Nipon-Punk? It’s interesting and Inari gives you a good opening to bring in the anthropomorphic fox. You could hint at more world building here and there. The bamboo path… is their bamboo compressed into the ground. How far off the main road or beaten path are they? The stanley steamer horses… is it all science, or is each a powered by a trapped Oni whose struggle strengthens the iron beast? The uneven ground… is it just rocks and dirt, or is any of the debris a hint of the technological superior past to used to be. Something to explain how Keitarou can talk so bluntly to a superior, like if the world flipped to this within his lifetime…
I think I’d like to see you add more descriptions to the weapons being used. Naginata and Wakasashi are blades, I’m assuming. But they could be other sorts of weapons, but why pass a chance to add more of the world flavor to. Besides, you don’t want people to stop reading your story to google stuff. Like if this was a near future Japan, I would mention something along the line that this naginata, “was, until recently, a museum piece in the Gaijin lands beyond the sea. Takashi’s quest to return the weapon to its land of manufacture had guaranteed him a good position in the Shogun’s army.”
I’ll take a look see at the rest of it tomorrow.
I have a tight limit of 7k. With a maybe limit of 8k. I didn’t have enough room to detail out everything.
The wakasashi is a short blade carried with a katana.
A naginata is a polearm/halbrid type weapon.
Also a big typo was shown tothoughtt I thought fixed x.x… Something didn’t save right.
The limited words is a bit restraining on me. I need to figure out how to describe things in very short spurts.
I know that feeling! As you can see, my first draft went well over the Roar limit. I have to assume I can fix that on on the second draft.
Heya,
I made some more progress today.
In the sex TF scene, Rei becomes more male, possibly a hermaphrodite. Kei changes to a new set of pronouns: Shi/Hir. It’s a little problematic to me. Japanese pronouns are complex and do not translate well because, as I recall, they all revolve around the relationship of the speaker to the object/target. I’m totally out of touch with how the modern Japanese culture and language handles trans friendly pronouns… and in a future where the culture has reverted to an earlier model, there’s plenty of room to ponder if that future is Trans friendly or not, I suppose. But as I type this, I’m trying to pinpoint my issue and I think it might resolve on whether Kei and his companions are speaking Japanese, English, or some other language. I also wonder if Kei is more cosmopolitan or more spiritual… otherwise, he just sorta is just emitting the “I’m the protagonist and everyone else is wrong” vibe.
Takashi laughs, “Such a young and naive lad. The Kitsune we are after has nine tails. It's the most powerful Youkai there is. The Shogun will use the power he obtains from that fox and over-throw all the other warlords!”
I was surprised when Takashi says this. I had to go back to figure out how Kei hadn’t noticed this. But he had, in one short forgettable sentence a few pages back. In retrospect, that reveal was too forgettable. Nine is not a number to count instantly and it seems like hir backside is turned away from him. There’s no natural way for nine tails to hang off the backside of a human. And while there might be a picture in your mind, this description is just stats. I think you could punch it up to imply her magic and her exoticism.
Maybe you could save the counting of hir tails until she reverted to a vixen, letting him pet her?
Takashi stops abruptly. “We know that the fox really likes chicken but we need to amp up the stakes, with literal steaks.”
OK, if he’s making a steak/stake pun then I know they aren’t speaking Japanese. Hell, if there’s enough Wagyu beef around to use as bait, then I have to wonder if they are really in Japan. Of course, it just might be my Anglo-American preconceptions turning steak into beef. They could be talking about horse steaks for all I know… except horses seem in short supply here, too.
Kei’s fight against the other soldiers isn’t badly choreographed but the dialogue seems awfully cartoonish. Perhaps you might leave Kei silent during the battle? Actions do speak louder than words and that might leave Taka wondering if Kei has been possessed by the Kitsune… at least until shi rises up to defend Kei. Frankly, I was hoping Taka would look at the situation and decide that if the Kitsune was hooked on Kei, then, as long as Kei was loyal to the Shogun, then he could turn this to his advantage. But Taka does not appear that bright.
In the end, it doesn’t matter. A kitsune is too much the trickster to truly surrender and Rei does a good job of proving that point.
There were several times that the called Kei traitor and I wondered if calling him Ronin might have been better. It’s probably a stretch, but I assumed he was fired almost immediately. But then, if they are speaking English, then that’s fine.
“Inari has no power here. Hachiman is the only one that rules over this house. My Onmyouji have predicted that with this fox's power, we will over-throw those that challenge us and once again unite Japan into the glory it once was.”
OK, we are in Japan… although it’s an interesting future. Maybe Japan covers all of Asian and a bit of Europe?
The Shogun is nicely arrogant and doesn’t over-react when things do not go his way. Too arrogant to call for a parley, but it might have been interesting if he was able to turn the tables on Rei even for a moment. Calling on Kei to consider the oath to serve him, would have been the logical move, I think. Obviously, good guys like Kei take their oaths seriously and Kitsune are known tricksters… How could Kei be certain his mind wasn’t bringing muddled with? He could keep Rei safe and remain loyal if he tried to get her to go against hir nature. Just a thought to add some depth and some inner struggle… especially if he feels that with their deep connection he could control hir in part, if he made the effort… and in the end, they can end in all the same place.
Overall, I think the present tense story-telling doesn’t add anything to the story except distance. It seems to invite a lot of passive voice sentences. While there’s nothing wrong with that, I know some editors don’t care for them much.
The steampunk elements add a lot of color and reminds me as a reader that this isn’t the Japan of the past… but it also adds a cartoon feel to things. I’d liked to see it used to make that future richer, if possible with your tight word limit. Believe me, I know that’s hard… I’m always going over the suggested word limits.
I wanted the story to be an easy to read adventure. Light hearted and slightly animeish. I could have thrown in several Japanese words and most would have lost it.
At this time Japanese would have picked up other language bad habits and slang. I left the ethnicity of the characters in a gray area. They could be from any part of the world and I leave it to the reader to color them in ;).
This story could have wentvon longer but I had to rope it in.
I have been there. When it comes to length, I am always there.
Despite reading a lot of fanfic, I never really got a good handle on converting anime and manga into text fiction in a positive way. But then, I get excited by a lot of different concepts in anime but I’m always unhappy with where they go with it (Ranma 1/2, is a great example). I wish I could give a good suggestion for that road, but I’m not versed enough.
Although I think the present tense might be my strongest negative feeling I have about this story, if that’s your style/esthetic then you just need to massage that a little more so there’s a little more engagement.
The positive things I really like is the Shogun and the Kitsune and the way they present themselves. They feel more original than the other cast members and yet are exactly what you want in those roles.
I’ll be happy to see what you get in a finished project.
Its a personal thing to me with tense. Present makes the story feel like its happening right now and you are experiencing what’s going on as if its fresh. You have no idea hats around the corner
Past tense feels too ‘fixed’ to me when I write. As if everything already happened and you have to catch up. Its just a quirk of mine. Nothing against past tense.
Do you still need other folks to take a look at this? I’d be happy to help! :3
This one has been completed and submitted. I’ll probably have more in the future.
You have to rock your esthetic. Let me know how it works out.