Furry Writers' Guild Forum

A Drabble: HEAVENLY FLIGHT

Critique
#1

Okay. This was just a spur-of-the-moment piece that I just had to write up. It’s roughly 100 words give or take. A “drabble”, as people have been known to call it.

It’s basically a monologue of self-righteous, self-proclaimed gods among mortals anti-hero bird characters that have been floating around in my head for some time. A really narcissistic monologue from these characters. I wrote this to convey the feeling that theses characters of supposedly great power are either of a mentality foreign to mortal life or they’re completely deluded and insane in their path of apparent justice.

It’s really more a writing exercise than anything else.

I’m rambling.

HERE IT IS:

HEAVENLY FLIGHT
By Cecil D. Fritz

We are Apollo racing through the sky and bringing daylight to this sacred planet.

We are the Memories and Thoughts of the Gods made flesh with orders to put the lesser mortals on the proper path of righteousness.

People look up to the skies and are filled with hope as they see our superior feathered aerodynamic forms fly around the world on our patrol of the heavens.

We are the only ones that truly know the distinction between the good and the corrupt. Only we know the difference between the innocent souls and the guilty deviants on this rock.

We shatter the bones of our enemies at supersonic speeds, we peck out their sin-filled souls, and we feast. We care not for their screams and pleas for penance.

We are so much more than the lesser, mortal avian life forms.

We are the heroes of legend.

We are birds of divine breeding.

Look upon us and know that we are your key to salvation.

#2

By my word processor’s count, I get 164 words, which is significantly more than a drabble’s 100 words, even giving a plus-or-minus ten…

That said, I like the flow of the piece quite a lot. It definitely feels avian too, flitting from image to image as they fly through the sky.

If you are looking to revise it, I would look for points where you might say the same thing with fewer words. A couple of examples:

We are the Memories and Thoughts of the Gods made flesh with orders to put the lesser mortals on the proper path of righteousness.
(24 words) Try: We are the Thoughts of the Gods made flesh, preordained to lead lesser mortals on the path of righteousness. (19 words)
People look up to the skies and are filled with hope as they see our superior feathered aerodynamic forms fly around the world on our patrol of the heavens.
(29 words) Try: Those gazing upward are filled with hope by our superior forms winging their way to patrol the heavens. (18 words)

I feel like the ending especially could use more punch.

Look upon us and know that we are your key to salvation.
(12 words) Try: Look upon us and be saved. (6 words)

Just a few suggestions that would bring you under 150 words. You’re definitely on the right path here though, I think. I feel that the more you can make the words sound like the birds’ prayer to themselves, as it were, the stronger the prose will be.

Just my own opinion. That and five dollars might get you a Starbucks coffee… Just happy if you find something helpful here.

#3

The drabble “Heavenly Flight” has been posted to SoFurry: https://www.sofurry.com/view/852400/

I have shortened the drabble considerably and reworded it very slightly into something that I feel has a better “flow” (if you will). SIMPLICITY. OVO

ALSO: Proper credit has been given to Leonego99 for his advice and the usage of one of the line alterations that he suggested. The finished product isn’t as eloquent as the twists they made since I couldn’t in good conscience fully use all of Leonego99’s SUPERIOR alterations. .v.

ANYWAY.

Thanks, Leonego99! I really appreciate your assistance! ^v^;

#4

I think that this piece could be a good free hand poem as it has a kind of rhythm to it that I really like. I do think, however, that the piece could be improved if you were to go deeper into whether these divine birds are at least somewhat deserving of their narcissism or if they just completely deluded, which could add a little more complexity.

#5

Thank you for your very kind words, especially at SoFurry. I’m glad you found something helpful in my comments.

The more important thing though is that you’re happy with it.