Furry Writers' Guild Forum

A Christmas Poem

Critique
#1

Seeking critique for an early draft - but also, a late Christmas gift for you all :slight_smile:

What Rough Beast?

The gene that makes the jellyfish fluoresce
Red-ribbons the parcel of my DNA.
My makers didn’t know their holy gift
Would light my soul behind the outward glow.

My bones are light as robins’, flexed for flight
Cells from the robin’s ear my guiding star
To lift my body from the frozen earth.
But more: in my breast burn hope and steadfastness.

Something of Man was given to me besides
Here in my lowly stall: the wit to use these toys
To speak the words they tell me; but, as well,
To dream and wish, and know what freedom means.

And if there really is a Saint on high
Who loves the young and innocent, then I’ll -
Excuse me. Ho, ho, ho, kids! Of course I’m the real Rudolph!
And tonight, I fly.

#2

Haha, most amusing. The meter isn’t perfect, but the deviations are slight enough to where most readers wouldn’t likely notice unless they were looking for it.

It’s a quirky subject for a poem, I feel, but you did manage to imbue it with…well, with a certain gravitas, more than I would have thought possible (though it’s ultimately lighthearted…lightnosed?).

#3

Thanks! One of the things I’m wrestling with is should I make the meter better or leave it as it is and claim it’s some sort of symbolism :slight_smile:

#4

If you’re happy with it as-is then there’s really no need to make corrections, IMO.

#5

Since poems are a little bit harder to critique would you mind if I fiddled with this for fun? : )

#6

Not at all! And now I will go and read your PM :slight_smile:

#7

I love the flourish tied with such a ‘wait what’ ending X3 I think if you worked the meter out more smoothly, which would make it a bit of an easier read, it would add to the flourish that much more. However, don’t compromise the beauty of the work for it, please.

#8

I think if the meter flowed better, the ending would be more of a ‘zing!’, so it’s worth working on. Thanks!